Invisible No More

Almost 2009!   Time for New Years resolutions, what neurotic fun!  I just saw a Valerie Bertinelli Jenny Craig commercial, not as bad as many of the recent diet-nutty commercials on tv these last few weeks.  I’m not making any New Year resolutions, just going to continue on what I’ve been trying to do.  The normal stuff-finish losing the weight, give up ciggies for real this time, be more social, watch less tv, keep my apt clean.

I weighed today for the first time in about a week.  Not much change since last weigh-in, which is good since I had a birthday, with mandatory ice cream and lots of food.  And I’ve been exercising a bit less, nice to know that my weight won’t shoot through the roof if I slack for a week.  Just stable, which is very good.   I’ve lost 22 pounds, have 23 more to go.

I’m starting to attract attention from men, which is flattering, but unsettling.    All of a sudden, I’m losing my comfortable invisibility.   I think I want that, until it happens, and I feel defensive of my time, space, attention, freedom.  Last time I lost all this weight, I had a boyfriend, didn’t have to worry about this stuff.    I got rid of my car yesterday, which actually feels quite liberating.  No more driving in circles for 20 minutes looking for a spot where I won’t have to move it by 8 am!  Hooray!   Last but not least, a friend who I haven’t seen in years had some sort of weight loss surgery, I barely recognized her.  She’s thrilled, but has absorption issues, has to take 8 calcium pills a day, who knows what else will happen.  I have mixed feelings on the surgery, but it seems all her blood relatives are >300 pounds, so genetics is NOT on her side.  That’s quite different than my situation, brought on by bingeing and emotional eating, etc.   I’m glad she’s happy, now she can go hiking with me.

Have a safe and happy New Year, everyone.

Changing directions

I finally got a job.   No more worry about homelessness or moving or being totally broke.  It will absolutely disrupt my food and exercise habits, being that I’ll have less time for both, and will have to plan carefully to maintain my weight losing lifestyle.  For now, that means I will get some new tupperwares and microwave safe containers so I can easily bring lunch to work, which means I will have to plan to cook and pack up to eat leftovers at work

Which brings up another change, I’m turning over my old car to the dismantlers.  I won’t have one, until I can again afford a used one in a few months.   I don’t need one, but I like to have one, because I am impulsive and I like to go hiking.  It’s nice to take to the Farmer’s Market, especially during water melon season, but I have plenty of carrying capacity on my bicycle, which is much less stressful, traffic-wise.  It’s also nice on days like today, when I am eating lunch across town, maybe 8 miles away, and it’s storming.  I was hoping to bike, just to get in some exercise, but not in windy hail storms, not so fun.  There’s always a [slow, torturous] bus, or two.

So, I’m glad to be joining the subset of people with disposable income, but sad to lose my freedom to eat when/whatever I see fit, and exercise any time of any day.  I can probably find a few pre-made things for a few days a week, and the rest of the time, will have pasta with veggies/cheese, sandwiches, casseroles, whatever I make and bring in.  Plus fruits and veggies.  I used to make the mistake of cooking low-fat, super-vegan, not so tasty health food, and I just couldn’t force myself to eat it.  Now I am more liberal with cheese, eggs, butter, sugar, occasionally even meat, and it’s still healthy, just not so low-fat or veg.   It’s much better than the alternative, which is restaurant food, always more fattening than home-cooked.

Anyway, Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Happy Kwanza, or whatever you are celebrating, or for me, just the day off.  Damn rain!  Actually, it’s temporarily stopped, time to walk the doggie!

Taking a break from the scale

I’m bored with weight loss. I’m tired of thinking about it, tired of working for it, tired of the influence it has in my life. This is a bad week for that stuff anyway. The gym is closed Wednesday and Thursday, maybe there’s a yoga class in the morning, but nothing in the afternoon. I’m still going to hit the gym today and tomorrow, but I think I’m going to take a week off from the scale. Nor am I going to use this psychological vacation to eat with reckless abandon, or really do much differently than usual. I’m just not going to think about, measure or obsess on the number. I am going to see what else there is to do and think about without that distraction. And walk the dog between the rain storms.

Rain, rain go away

This weather is tiring.   Worse still, it’s cold.  In the 40s, which may not sound bad for you Northeasterners, but it’s brutal to me.  I just saw on the news that the oranges are getting frost on them, which means another season of sparse, expensive citrus.  I feel bad for the farmers, too bad they don’t benefit from the Farm Bill subsidies.   Only if they’re gazillionaires who grow wheat, corn, or soy.    The rain makes it hard to ride the bike, so I have to walk or not go.  I still have the car for another week or two, but it’s not worth the driving around for 20 minutes trying to park, so I don’t use it.  Disturbingly enough, the places I like to go hiking are getting some snow on their peaks.  Brrrr.

As far as the weight goes, for some reason I’m up three pounds.  That’s two days in a row.  I have been eating salty food, and it seems to be pms time, so I’m not going to stress on it.  However, those amazing truffles that I bought the other day will have to be donated to someone with a better metabolism.  I’ve only eat one, but they call to me, and they must be a few hundred calories each.  Yummy, but not worth it.

I think I may have a job.  I’m still crossing my fingers, hopefully I’ll start working by the end of the year.  Discretionary income would be very nice.   Anyway, time to eat breakfast, so I can walk to the gym and at least do that today.   Please, job, hire me, call me!

My problem with Weight Watchers, and dieting

I think it continues food obsession and bad habits.  It seems that if a person wanted to lose the weight for good, they have to figure how to live in the real world, and to learn to develop good instincts, and then trust them.   I can see if somebody has absolutely NO IDEA what healthy eating, or reasonable portion size is, maybe it could help for a while, but I’m not even sure that WW does that.  I’ve never done it, but judging by the crap that my gym tries to push as diet food, it scares me.  Sickly sweet chocolate flavored bars, non-fat, loaded with sugar and strange chemicals, no thank you!  I tried a bite once, tastes like super-sweet shit.  I’d rather eat a chocolate almond or two, it will make me much happier and I won’t feel like eating more.

I’ve been doing my weight loss for a few months now, learning by trial and error, and what doesn’t work for me is low fat, low-carb, or arbitrary rules.  I eat a lot of low-fat foods, such as vegetables and fruits, beans, whole grains.  Some of them I add fat to, such as cheese or bacon or butter, because a bit of fat and protein will satiate me, and I will stop eating.  In the same vein, if I eat a meal of pizza (preferably whole wheat crust) and beer, I will eat reasonable amounts, and probably won’t be hungry for 8 hours, maybe I’ll skip the next meal, or just have fruit or salad.  I really do try to not drink much beer, preferring wine, or grapefruit juice and vodka, because that is truly empty calories.   And I’ve been losing weight, and I have no wagon to fall off of, and my weight only goes down, never goes up.

And I am finally becoming a normal eater.  If I’m not hungry, I don’t eat.  If I don’t feel like even having a bite of dessert, I don’t.  If I do, I eat a little, and don’t look back.  The worst that will happen is that I won’t lose weight for a few days, which is okay.  I no longer binge, I no longer freak out and eat everything in sight, because I’ve blown it, and wait to start over on Monday.  It’s all okay.  I don’t stress out going to parties, because I am mindful of my eating, and most of my eating is healthy.  And if it’s not, maybe I’ll exercise a bit more, or eat a bit less for a day or two, until my digestive system normalizes.  I follow my hunger, not external guidelines, not somebody else’s idea of what I should be eating, not fake food.

I’m not analyzing everything I eat, counting calories, fat grams, calories burned, or anything else.  After 30+ years of food obsession and dieting, I’m done.  I’m realizing how empty my life is, how much I know about weight loss and dieting and all that, and trying to find new interests, new friends who have normal relationships with food, different things to do.

I enjoy eating, and I realize that I can’t eat everything that I want whenever I want.  But I don’t have to deprive myself of anything, though I may have to moderate the amounts, or frequency, of certain foods.  But I am comfortable and content with my eating, and I don’t go “out of control”, which is not the experience of many whose blogs I’ve been reading lately.  I follow my intuition.  I can and will eat this way the rest of my life.  Can you?

My so-called vacation, finally over!

Palm Springs, a legendary town.  Not my kind of town at all.  I am not a golfer, not a tennis player, don’t even own a bathing suit.   I’m too fat and hairy, though I could wax, and wear a one-piece, for the two days a year that it’s warm enough to go swimming, I just don’t bother.  My parents are tennis players, so I made the journey to spend a few days with them.

What really pisses me off, is that I can’t eat local salmon because the water levels are too low to support wild populations, and I can’t hardly water my garden, and this lame-0 desert town, with it’s 4 inches of rain/year, is covered with grass, pools, fountains, etc.  Just like Las Vegas, but with rich snobby folks, all with gates and fences.

I possibly lost some weight.  I just stepped on the scale, and it reads what it did when I left (175), though I just ate dinner, so it’s likely less.  I wonder if I don’t do body sculpt for a few days, whether my weight drops from muscle atrophying.  Does it happen that fast?  Do I actually have enough to make a difference?  I may get to the gym tomorrow, but it’s more likely that I’ll go to the woods, because I miss trees, moisture, and shade, and I only have a car for three weeks more.  Not that I have anything against cacti, and it wasn’t that warm there.  I got to wear shorts two out of four days, and only in the afternoon.

It seems to me that drinkable water is going to be more valuable than oil soon enough, and then these ridiculous towns in the desert are going to rethink their priorities.

Why I force myself to the gym today

I really don’t want to go.  I’m going to see the parents in a few days, which always causes major stress in my life.  I don’t feel like participating in my day.  I feel like staying home, smoking weed, watching tv.  I’m feeling really lucky that I got over the bingeing thing already, but it’s hard to fight my tendency to withdraw, not participate in life.  I will go to the gym for kickboxing and body sculpt, though I’d rather not.  I will feel better afterwards, not just due to endorphins from exercise, but also that I am acting in my own best interest (for once), in furthering my weight loss, even though I don’t feel like it.  I think I should get rid of my tv, it enables me to isolate.