To breakfast or not?

I don’t like to eat first thing in the morning, especially if I ate late or a big meal the night before.  This is a bit of a dilemma for me, because I know breakfast eating is a successful tactic for most weight losers.  I also know that after a 25 minute bike ride up the hill, and a 10 minute walk after my shuttle ride, my metabolism will have kicked into gear, and I am often hungry by 9 am.  But again, sometimes I’m not.  If I try to force myself to eat, it tastes really bad, and I feel silly, as someone trying to diet, to force myself to eat when I’m not hungry.  If I’m going on a 5 hour hike, forcing the eating is a good idea, but what if I’m just going to sit on my butt?  Maybe a banana will hold me until lunch, or these 140 calorie healthy bars that we keep at work.   Or not.  My appetite is not predictable.

I struggle with these issues, because I’m trying to eat with my hunger, but it’s not always convenient.  A few years ago, a boyfriend told me that it’s okay to be hungry occasionally, and good for weight losers, because you can just eat a “fat snack” (he said, squeezing his tummy).  Obviously, in his mind, his way was right, since he had never had a weight problem, he knew what he was talking about.  I got very pissed at him, I really hate when guys who have never had a weight problem think it’s because they’re doing everything right and thus know all the answers, rather than just being lucky, but later thinking about it, maybe it is okay to get hungry occasionally, and eat sporadically.

So now, instead of rigidly planning meals and times to eat, if it’s convenient, I wait until I’m hungry, and see what I’m hungry for.  Sometimes, if the scale isn’t budging, I push it a bit.  If I only have 20 minutes to make and eat dinner if I want to get to the gym, dinner may be some cottage cheese with a side of steamed collards.  A burrito would be yummier and easier, but won’t lead to weight loss.  When life is hectic, sometimes meals get pared down.  This is especially true when I’ve been eating work food, or heavy food-if I can’t eat healthy meals, I’ll eat smaller ones, or less of them.  I have to do what I can in this life, and I’m not independently wealthy enough to have the leisure to have 100% control over my diet.  I do the best I can do, and if that means that meals become snacks, or occasionally get skipped, so be it.

This seems to be more in line of what “normal” people, not dieting, without weight issues, do.  I don’t think they fret about the macronutrient balance of everything they eat, or set a fixed schedule (or not single ones with erratic schedules, anyway-once you have to feed your family, things change), or eat a certain amount, hungry or not.  This, to me, seems like true intuitive eating-the freedom to not bother if I don’t feel like it

Questions, Observations

Some recent thoughts I’ve been considering:

1.  Is it worth it to get a car just so I can get to the gym classes that I like?  It will mean less “lifestyle” exercise-i.e., my 25 minute bike ride and 10 minute walk each way to work, but will have more “official” gym exercise, which is a lot more exercise. 

2.  Can the 100 or 200 calories of potato chips I seem to eat most days (tapering off-I’m getting sick of them) be enough to halt weight loss?  I wouldn’t think so, but with the drop in exercise, maybe that is the limiting factor.

3.  How much fat/calorie absorption can a high fiber diet block?  I was reading recently that they’re considering adding a caloric value to fiber, due to new understandings of its digestion.  I always try to eat high fiber, especially if I’m eating something high in fat, maybe this isn’t helping as much as I’d like. 

4.  If I get a digital scale, as opposed to my old craptastic one, will I have better info, or just make myself more neurotic?

5.  Along the potato chip vein, is quitting my two cups coffee, with a few tablespoons of sugar, enough to balance the potato chips?  I’d like the scale to start moving, not just stare at me within the same 3 pound range.

And some strange side effects to losing weight:

1.  My butt isn’t as comfortable to sit on.

2.  Baggy underwear is neither comfortable (slips up crack), nor attractive (unless you’re into diapers).  I may have to spend some money and buy some interim clothes.  I’ve been delaying, but my pants are baggy, shirts/sweaters are huge enough to look silly.

3.  I only have more than one chin now if I make my face squish into my neck.  I don’t like the way this looks, maybe I shouldn’t do that. 

Obviously, not much happening here.  I’m hitting the gym tonight for cardio/weight combo class.  It’s not preferred, but gym must occur.

Stupid blog, stupider me!

I haven’t blogged recently because I’m embarassed and ashamed to have started smoking again.  I made it two weeks, I was done!  Than I had a drink too many, and went for my landlord’s ciggies, who left town and had them in plain sight where I had to go take care of his animals.  I have learned this lesson before, I can’t drink for about a month when quitting smokes.  Too dangerous.  I’m going to try again on Sunday, wish me well!

The new job is going well, I’m very happy to be employed, even if I’m a contractor with no insurance.  Scary times, y’all!  The job and commute take enough time that it’s hard to get to the gym, clean my apartment, and other such useful stuff.   I still go on the weekends, yoga Monday nights (when I’m not busy), and whenever else I can get there for a class I like.  Even if the only exercise I get is the commute, it seems to be enough not to gain weight, possibly even lose it slowly, I can’t tell with my POS scale.   My eating is stable and as healthy as I want it to be, though I still eat a few potato chips most days.  I wonder if quitting my two cups of coffee daily, with the mandatory milk and too much sugar, is balancing them out.  Potato chips-such salty, crispy, fun to eat little fat bombs.  Hopefully I’ll be sick and tired of them soon.   And bloody cigarettes, I hope I can be sick of them soon, too

Anyway, hope everyone has a good weekend.

Don’t let the door slam your ass on the way out

Slip sliding away

Though I hated being so poor and unemployed for 6 months, I was lucky that I had time to go to the gym every day, clean my house (in theory, anyway), feed myself.   I’m glad to be working, and look forward to not being broke and stressed over money., but I miss my freedom.  This is also the first time in about 10 years that I haven’t had a car, so I feel double trapped.  I don’t really need the car, but it makes it hard to get out of town, or take the dog on a real hike instead of just around the city, or get to the gym.  I also can’t sleep in, because instead of taking 10-15 minutes to drive, I have a 25 minute bike ride, 20 minute shuttle, 1o minute walk each way.  And because I only like the classes at the gym, it’s hard to get to any that start earlier than 7:30, which is most.

And of course, I’ve been eating more.  There’s always food all over at work.  Besides free cookies, M&Ms, pepsi, pretzels, there are occasionally donuts, bagels, treats.  Most of these I can ignore, but it’s hard not to eat 1/4 of a donut, maybe more, if it sits there most of the morning.  There’s always a bowl of chips all afternoon from lunches they bring in.  I must eat 100 calories of chips just munching on one or two every time I go get water.  There’s no other water on the floor.  I just realized there’s another kitchen upstairs, without chips.  OK, I feel better about this, I will climg the stairs instead of passing the chips.

I’m feeling stressed.  I’m having a hard time finding good things to bring in for lunch.  I ate the catered lunch today, it was decent enough, not great.  I’m doing okay on dinner, mostly.  Since I worked late tonight, bummed about not getting to gym, I was thinking of getting a veggie burrito.  It would be a cheap, quick, tasty convenient dinner.  Then I thought about the 1000+ calories that must be in it, and how I haven’t been to the gym since Monday.  And I came home and made myself a small pizza full of veggies on a whole wheat pita and a huge salad.  And 1/4 pineapple and two chocolate almonds.

I miss the gym.  I miss my car.  I miss being able to sleep past 6 am 6 days a week.  I miss coffee, though I’m sleeping much better.  I miss cigarettes, though surprisingly I don’t think of them very often.  There are some upstairs, where I have to go to feed the dog.  I hate when the landlord leaves them where I can see them.  Shit, if I thought I had a problem walking past some foods, that has nothing on those.  I moved them out of sight, maybe I’ll even give them away.  It would serve him right

So there’s my grouchy post, with all my new complaints.  My weight is stable, hasn’t budged since I quit smoking, started working, lost control of my time and lifestyle.   I guess considering the circumstances, that’s all I can hope for right now.   I’m not bingeing, the weather is great, and I have a 3 day weekend!

How I learned to stop bingeing

Theoretically, this story starts when I grew some boobs and my mom freaked out, started dieting me.   I have various strange and painful memories of searching out potato chips in unusued appliances and car trunks,  getting up late night when everyone’s asleep to eat meals of canned soup and tater tots, frozen fried chicken, pizza.  Other memories are of feeling like I ruined my diet by eating a strawberry, when only celery was on the menu.  Diet pills that made me play piano all day, then go jogging late night, after everyone was asleep (hiding from cars, of course).   Weight yo-yo’d like crazy, as you might imagine.   And so went my teenage years.

Reading a paper on my first job out of school, I saw a recruitment ad for a binge eating study at Stanford.  I’d never heard of bingeing, but figured what the hell.  It was based on a book for bipolar disorder (never heard of that either)  by Marsha Linehan, and we learned such things as emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and other such stuff.  It sounds strange, but I’ve known other eating disorder therapists to use a newer book by her, which I would actually seek out and buy if I wasn’t so lazy, or resistant for other reasons, like being sick and tired of the whole issue.  Anyway, slowly I learned (much later, but learn it I did) to sit with my emotions, even if they’re uncomfortable, without having to stuff myself, or drink, or fight, or any other compensation.  I can just feel bad.  This is where I am emotionally now, and I’m trying with moderate success to make my life better so that I don’t feel so bad all the time, maybe even occasionally feel good.

So I lost my excess weight a few years ago, moved in with the boyfriend, kept it off for a year or so, then started gaining it back.   When I had gained back about 45 pounds out of a possible 60, I decided that I had more work to do.  I had been a binger and dieter and disordered eater for so long, I had no idea how to eat normally, and obviously I wasn’t doing it right.

Anyway, this is disturbing to me, so I’ll write more some other time.  I’m still off ciggies and not gaining weight (probably not losing, though).  Hope all is well with anybody who reads this.

Down 25 pounds? Maybe, maybe not.

I took a week or two off from the scale in late December, figuring that the erratic eating would make it jumpy, so have restarted weighing myself.    At that point I was at 175.  Monday I weighed myself, 178.  A brief WTF moment, but I just ignored it, having enough hassle quitting the cigarettes, plus fighting off the flu.  Yesterday it was at 172, today was at 170.   I do not know why it varies so much.  I’m not sure how quitting coffee or cigarettes would affect this.  One thing that may be happening, not sure whether it’s realistic, is that my muscles are atrophying, since I’ve been too sick to go to the gym since Saturday.  I’ll go tonight, since I’m mostly better, so maybe tomorrow I’ll be back to 172-173, which is probably where I really am.  I hate the damn scale.

On another note, while nuking my leftovers in the lunch room, I overheard a bunch of talk about points, pedometers, etc.  I asked them what happens when they’re done with Weight Watchers, how they keep it off, and they say that in the time to lose the weight, you learn how to eat properly.  Could be, but it still seems like so much work.  This new job is going to be tough, not only in being here 8 hours a day, but all the food that’s around.    The first day I walked into the kitchen, there are two plates on the table, one with fudge and one with mini-scones.  I resigned myself not to eat either (don’t like scones, so that was easy).  Fortunately, my tastes have changed enough that I’m not down with the major sugar rush at 8 am, so didn’t eat the fudge either.  Around 2 in the afternoon, when there were just crumbs left, I ate a fudge crumb.  Yuckily sweet.  If I have managed to kill my sweet tooth, things should be okay from here.  I can ignore the free pepsi, free granola bars, free peanut m&ms, free pretzels, free chocolate chip cookies, etc.  I’m sure I’ll slip sometimes.  I’m going to ignore the 2 potato chips that I ate while washing my dishes.  I have to be careful here, especially since I don’t have the nicotine to charge up my metabolism. 

I’m going to write a post very soon on how I stopped bingeing.  I’m still thinking it over.

White knuckling it!

Not really New Years Resolution, but I’ve been having problems with cigarettes, and promised myself I would quit before my new job starts, tomorrow.   I waited this long because I didn’t want to try to  quit while I’m at parties drinking and smoking, and now the parties are over.  So I am an uncomfortable Day 3 off ciggies, also coffee.  That was just an impulse, but I kinda like it.  I have such unstable energy all day, wide awake in the morning, sleepy in the late afternoon, sluggish at night.   Hard to tell, as the frazzled nerves of a newly nicotine free existence make baseline fuzzy, but I feel alert and awake.    I need to quit drinking for a month or so, also.  I don’t have a drinking problem, but alcohol seems to always make me decide that having a smoke would be a very good idea, and it also seems to make me eat mindlessly.  Oddly enough, weed doesn’t have that effect, doesn’t lower my resistence to junkfoood/smokes, so I guess that will be ok, for now.  Anything that will help calm my nerves, my hands hurt from clenching my fingers so tightly.    Also, I’m starting to drink green and black tea, because I don’t want caffeine headaches, and am not that concerned with that habit right now either.

So as to how this will impact my weight and eating?  I’m a bit worried, and will admit in the past to giving up quitting for weight reasons.  But I’m going to stick with it this time.  My whole life is changing right now, it’s just as easy to do it all at once.   Smoking can increase your metabolism as much as 10%, and it also seems to decrease appetite.  I don’t know if that’s because stuff doesn’t taste as good, or actual physiological reasons.  As I’m quitting, I’m having a hard time finding my hunger, even though I’m not eating much at all.  I think my digestive system is feeling sluggish, probably from lack of both cigs and coffee.  And this is after a four hour walk.   I don’t feel like eating, I feel like smoking a cigarette.    I’m not in the mood for dealing with food issues right now, so I’ll impose some dinner on myself.  If I can’t eat normally and intuitively, I’ll just arbitratily eat what and how much I decide is reasonable.  The hell with it.

Hope everyone’s New Year is going well.