What I see in the mirror

The group exercise rooms at my gym have mirrored walls. I know they’re good for looking at form, making sure you’re not arching inappropriately, or bending something that shouldn’t be bent, etc. I look huge in those mirrors. Even with 30 pounds less on me, I look the same. If I look down at my arms or legs, they don’t look that huge, but in the mirror, I’m as fat as ever. As for the mirror at home, sometimes I think I look almost normal (15 pounds to BMI < 25), sometimes I think I look as big as a house. Frustrating, and I don’t understand.

I got Girl Scout cookies, Thin Mints yesterday. Two boxes, I ate two cookies and put them in the freezer. They usually last about 6 months or so. I notice that they still have trans-fats. I am going to complain to them, and then I’m not going to buy their cookies until they change that.

Seriously? But why?

I’m still not sure I wasn’t dreaming at the time, but I saw a commercial for a new Splenda product, now with 1g fiber per packet.  WTF?  It’s a bloody sweetener, it’s not supposed to have fiber.  I think it’s stupid, and I’m proud to say I get all my fiber from fruits (maybe too many), veggies (could always be more), whole grains (as many as I can stand), and beans (yummy).   I don’t need fiber in my coffee!

Anyway, my little Monday morning rant.

Weight loss quackery through the ages

I don’t have anything to say and am feeling too lazy to think of anything, but found this cute article from Canadian Medical Association Journal that shows some of the crazy stuff intended to cause weight loss over the last century.

http://www.cmaj.ca/cgi/content/full/180/4/432

There’s another article in the same journal advocating for regulation of the weight loss industry, probably a good idea.  All I”ll say on that issue is that I’m glad I was so young when all those amphetamines were around, though I still managed to get tangled in them.

http://www.cmaj.ca/cgi/content/full/cmaj;180/4/367

Here’s a good discussion on this editorial:

http://bmimedical.blogspot.com/2009/02/why-we-need-to-regulate-weight-loss.html

I wouldn’t want anyone who’d want me

Valentine’s Day can make us singles feel bad.   I went to a bicycle party Friday night, where we put on red dots if we were looking for girls, yellow if looking for boys (normal assumptions don’t apply here).  I stood around for about 15 minutes, had one drink, and left.  There were some nice looking guys also looking awkward, but I don’t have the ability to go up and start conversations.  I’m used to being big enough to be invisible, or unwelcome to some extent.  I’m no longer that big, but still uncomfortable with this stuff, even when a guy is possibly checking me out.

Anyway, Valentine’s Day itself was fun, I made tuna poke and cream of winter vegetable soup (made with 1% instead of cream, still lots of butter)  for the ex, and it was yummy.   We’re good friends, and I enjoy his company, but often wonder if I have to stop spending time with him so that I move on, or I’ll move on and then stop spending time with him.   Probably the former, but I just don’t know how to start dating, or show interest.   It’s hard to think of myself as someone that anybody would want-unless there’s something wrong with them.  I need to figure this out better.

In other news, I broke my plateau.  After about a month at 170, I just dropped to 168.  I seem to do these little jumps after holding steady for a while.  I think I need to focus on social skills and esteem, if I just make sure to keep exercising,  and the mild food restriction that I do, I’ll still lose weight.  In 18 pounds, my BMI <25, and in the meantime, I’m going to try and learn to live a less isolating existence.

My car just got here!  That means I can get to the gym easier on weekdays, and go hiking if it ever stops raining.  Tonight I’ll probably go to yoga, since I can walk there, and I’ll walk the 2 miles each way to lunch, so I can have a grass fed bacon burger.   Due to the holiday, permits aren’t enforced today, so no parking hell until Wednesday night.

I miss my bicycle, wish the rain would let up a bit.  I know we need it and all, but day after day after day after day…

Yummy like candy

Sweet potatoes!  I used to eat these often, then moved in with a guy who didn’t like them.  I just baked one up in my toaster oven because I still felt like eating after a tiny dinner (but huge lunch).  It ended up being sweet and warm and full of carbs.   I know carbs is a bad word among some these days, but I don’t think this is as fattening as a slice of toast with something (cheese or peanut butter) would have been.  I love vegetables that I can eat with no sauce or butter.  I’m going to eat more of these.

Good article on Meal Frequency

Hooray, all my questions answered, in a sciency way!  (Always nice for us biochem types).  Anyway, for this kickass article, he actually went and read the studies, and explains how they, and their spin, have formed our ideas of how frequently dieters should eat.    It makes sense to me, and my experiences with strange eating, and my quest to eat like somebody without food/weight issues.  Anyway, read the article if you’re interested, I’ll just suffice it to say that I’m no longer going to feel bad if I eat a huge meal, and don’t bother eating again for 8-10 hours.    Not that I’m ever going to be one of those people who eats two meals daily at 1 pm and 8 pm, but occasionally it’s easier to eat it first than pack it for later.

http://www.bodyrecomposition.com/research-review/meal-frequency-and-energy-balance-research-review.html

And thanks to Attrice, at http://attrice.wordpress.com/ for turning me on to this site.

Frustrated!

My job is making me nuts. Besides the fact that I’m a temp, get no bennies, only supposed to work 8 hours/day, I always seem to volunteer (as in not get paid) for an extra one. And my boss doesn’t explain very well what he wants, so I don’t understand. I am going to have to make a point to ask more questions. I actually like the work, though it is challenging. My industry is laying off people right and left, so I’m really glad to be working, but does it need to dominate my life?

I got home about 5 minutes too late to get to kickboxing, starving and thirsty, with a headache (dehydrated, I suspect). I found myself thinking that I should get a burrito, it’ll make me feel better. But it wouldn’t, it would just make me feel stuffed, sad about overeating, and I’d be in a food coma, would not make it to the gym at all. So I skipped the burrito, came home and ate a free-range hot dog on a whole wheat bun with chopped shallots, and sauteed brussell sprouts. Not really a healthy meal, either, probably higher fat percentage than a veggie burrito, but it’s much less food.

This is just one of those days when I look at the state of my life, and it all seems wrong. I’m glad to be working, I’m glad to be losing weight, I’m glad my living situation is satisfactory, but my social life is in shambles, and nothing is wonderful. I am going to practice one of the tools I learned from my bingeing class. “Acting as if.” I am going to make food for lunch for this week, clean my bloody kitchen, go to yoga, and get rid of this headache, somehow, and at least pretend to be a functional human being. I’ve lost my binge-ability, now I have to face the drudgery that life sometimes is, directly. I guess that’s a good thing, I’m just feeling too grumpy to be happy about it.

**OK, yoga isn’t happening.  I still got the headache, my back hurts (not that that should matter), but I think brussel sprouts may give me gas, very inappropriate.  Plus, I don’t bloody feel like it.  I’ll sit here on my ass, then clean more kitchen.  Good times, all.