Not thin enough yet

I have a birthday party to go to tonight, one of the ex’s best friends.  When we broke up three years ago, his friends dropped me like I had the plague.  This particular friend, however, either didn’t get the memo, or doesn’t care.    As a result, I’m not psyched to go and spend time with them.    From the evite, it doesn’t look like they’ll be any single guys to flirt with.  And I don’t know if I want to watch others flirt with the ex.  Aside-we’re exes in name only, we spend a LOT of time together (I doubt this is healthy for either of us), which none of them know, with the exception of the birthday boy.

In some ways, I feel like I should force myself to go, if only so that the only words I say to another person today aren’t  “Could I sign up for kickboxing please?”   It’s not far, I could bike there in about 20-30 minutes, or take a bus, or even drive (it’s early enough that parking might be possible).  I’d probably bike there, so I could justify that going would be some more exercise.  I’m thinner than I was last time I saw these folks, which is a plus.  But my clothes are all too big, and I have nothing nice to wear.  I can easily use this as a reason not to do anything until I lose that last 12 pounds and can fit my remaining skinny clothes that I haven’t dug out yet.  (This is a good reason to keep your skinny clothes-in case you’re unemployed and can’t afford to buy new ones).   This is very tempting, but maybe not so healthy, either.

Truth be told, I’m mostly in a crappy mood and can’t imagine I would enjoy myself, or force myself to be friendly and social.   I’d probably just sit in a corner, eat if there was food, drink (I know there’ll be that), and glare at people.  OK, not glare, but I don’t know if I can get up the inspiration to get my butt off the couch and go.    I’m not sure I want to even bother to see what fits me.  Maybe next time the thrift store has a sale, I’ll have to buy some clothes that fit well.  I know conventional wisdom says I’ll feel better about myself, and I think that’s true.  But even that won’t make me social and outgoing.

So, this post isn’t really relevant to food or weight loss, just my psychological struggles with forcing myself, kicking and screaming, to join the world.   I feel mildly better just writing this out, and in a few hours, when it’s time, I will find something that’s hopefully not too frumpy, that I can bike in, put on my gloves and winter coat, and I will at least go and have a drink.  Hell, if nothing else, it’s 45 minutes of biking round trip, not too steep, and I know I feel better when I talk to people, whether I like it or not.

**Update:  I found some pants that are nicer than baggy blue jeans-they are tight in the waist, baggy in the legs, and a bit too short.  I’m wearing boots, I know it’s after Memorial Day, but it’s anything but summery around here.  I’ll skip the thermals though, have to hope the bike ride warms me up.  I’m only commiting as far as the bike ride (I’ll have to unbutton the pants), and I may just turn around and come home.  But free food, free drinks?  I’ll probably stay a bit.  Wish me a fun time!

***The party was fine, I stayed about 2 hours, had some wine, some shrimp, some chocolate covered strawberries, some birthday cake.  The winter coat is an exaggeration, it’s really just a warm sweater and a windbreaker.   It’s a good 10-15 degrees warmer here now than it is in the winter, though it’s less sunny.

So when is it time to start my life?

All those things many of us wait to do until we lose the weight?  I think it’s getting to be about that time.  I’m within 10 pounds of  “normal weight”, and my life is glaringly empty of anything else.  Where is my social life?  Why don’t I [ever] have a significant other?  I used to have a lot of friends, most of them have disappeared, either moved or gotten tired of my one-track life.  Maybe some bitterness that comes from being a fat woman in a fat phobic somewhat misogynist culture didn’t help.

Anyway, whatever happened, I’m lonely and bored.  The job situation is not looking up, I did an interview last week, doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.  I keep getting called about these shitty temp jobs that pay about half of what I used to earn.  I don’t mind earning a little less, but to have busted my ass to get a chemistry degree to make just a few dollars more than someone doing data entry or filing?  That’s just insulting.  I may have to bite eventually, but I’m going to hold out a little longer.  I can’t afford to be picky forever, but I don’t want to screw myself over by getting into a low paying position that I’ll hate and be overqualified for.  It just doesn’t look good on the resume to go backwards.

I’m going to start watching social interactions, especially of people I like, and stop watching eating habits.  I’ve learned the food thing already.  Since I’m not going to change my lifestyle in 10 pounds, or 15, or wherever I end up, maintenance mode for me is apparently going to be mostly psychological.  Expanding my horizons, and all that crap.  I would like a more well-rounded life.  I’m in a rut.  While it’s very nice to be losing weight, it’s slow and thus not all that exciting, and there’s got to be more to life.

Maybe I need to find the cajones to buy a plane ticket to New Zealand or Croatia or ??? and just go for a few weeks, just to shake things up, get a new perspective.

I’ve always had such high expectations about what life would be like if I lost weight, and they were just false hopes.  I’m the same depressed, shy loner that I grew into with my rising weight.  I’m not automatically an extrovert or an optomist just because I weigh 60+ pounds less than my top weight.   No matter what anybody says, people smile at me more and ignore me less, which is nice, but sometimes makes me more uncomfortable as I’m not used to it and don’t always know how to react.

Anyway, this post isn’t really about food or weight loss, just how narrow and single-focused my life has become.  This magical personality shift that was supposed to happen to make me a well-rounded, actualized human being instead of a miserable binger hasn’t happened, and I don’t expect it to.

Rereading this post, it looks like I have some psychological work to do, no?  Yuck.  I had to do a bunch of this to stop bingeing in the first place, and it’s painful hair-raising stuff, at least for me.  I’ll just wallow on the couch in self- pity instead.

Ooh, just got an email about a job!  It’s a nice day for a bike ride, maybe I’ll go lose that last 10 pounds before I think about changing the whole way my brain works.    Hope everybody had a good holiday weekend (if you’re in the US).

“So, why aren’t you fat anymore?”

He asked as he pulled me onto the bench next to him.  “You know, from one fatty to another”.  This, from one of my landlord’s friends, who I bump into once every year or two, and have known about 15 years.  I wasn’t that surprised, as he had been looking at me with an inquisitive look all evening, but had to chuckle at the his direct, no beating around the bush approach.

“I exercise a lot and don’t overeat” (as I sat there overeating-blame the alcohol) .  I went to that party fully expecting to overeat, did the gym in the morning, with plans for a good hike on Monday, mild exercise on Sunday.  Hangovers make me tired and lazy and not in the mood to bounce around at the gym to loud music.  Go figure.

“Yeah, I exercise, but I eat way too much”

“Well, you can’t do that, unless you’re Michael Phelps or someone who burns so much that he can eat whatever he wants”

“I just don’t have the discipline”.

“Yeah, you’ve got to really want it.  If it doesn’t bother you, then don’t worry about it”

“Yeah, that’s what I figure, it doesn’t really matter that much”

Personally, I think if a person exercises a decent amount, they’re ahead of the game anyway.  Who would I be to judge, as a cigarette and pot smoker?  (Disclaimer-with the exception of last night, I have mostly given that the weed-a whole ‘nother story, not relevant to this blog).  What I should do is quit drinking instead, as that always causes me to eat way too much crap-last night it was potato chips and brownie bites.   Two foods I NEVER keep in the house.   But I knew going in that I would eat too much, and I’m okay with it.

But honestly, I watch how people eat, especially women who don’t seem to have food/weight issues.  This is how I learned to eat “normally”, by watching normal people eat.  And they get drunk, or eat funny mushrooms, or whatever, and stuff themselves, too.  (And people are amused, if they notice at all, unless the person is overweight, in which case they judge).  I imagine they don’t do it on a regular basis, but parties are just an inspiration to eat a lot.  I see no need to beat up on myself about it, instead I will eat less today.  This doesn’t mean I’m going to starve myself, it just means that I’m going to wait until I get hungry till I eat again.  That’ll probably be mid-afternoon, judging by how not-hungry I am right now.  So, it balances.  I think this seems normal and appropriate, I’m not going to force myself to eat, not going to force myself to not eat, not going to force myself to eat only salad, I’m just going to wait to see if/when I get hungry, and eat what my body wants.  Realistically, it probably will be veggies, I really don’t like heavy food when I’m hungover.

Happy Memorial Day all, hope it’s a warmer where you live.  It is a chilly grey weekend here.

Building Muscles

I love anything aerobic.  I don’t like anything mildly related to weights.  I have been diligently going to the body sculpt classes anyway, but after almost a year, I’m still using the light weights I started out with.  I’m starting to push it a little, since I notice that most of the women use heavier weights than me.  I have been telling myself that once I could actually do all the reps, I would go up a pound (I know, pathetic).  But it still hurts.  My arms are still zinging.  But why make the effort to go if I’m going to be so half-assed about it?  I noticed last night that my legs are actually getting some muscle tone, or more likely, the fat is decreasing enough that the muscle shows.  Since most of the leg exercises I do use body weight, it’s hard to be lazy there.  Abs and arms it’s easier to not work so hard.  There’s one class I really hate that I try to go to every Wednesday, and this woman does functional exercises-hard to cheat.    The instructer is in her 60s, is all muscle, not an ounce of fat.  She’s like a drill sargeant, but I ignore her a lot.  I cannot do 50 straight leg push-ups, though I can now do 50 on my knees.  I think she cuts me a break, since I’m heavy, but I can’t count on that forever.

Comparing her to another woman with no body fat, there’s a woman who sleeps on my block, about the same height as my Wednesday strength training teacher.  I think she’s a junky, as she’s always nodding off.  My landlord calls her 30 going on 60, but I can’t tell.  She doesn’t have any grey hair, but is really hunched over.  I don’t think it’s easy to have great nutrition when you’re homeless.    She also doesn’t have any muscle, just bones.  I feel badly for her, though she seems to have her regular posse of  questionably housed friends around.  I can’t imagine there’s anyone more vulnerable than homeless women.  This really isn’t relevant to anything, but I see her all the time, never talked to her, she’s never asked me for anything-not change, alcohol, cigarettes.

Sorry this is such a disjointed post, just woke from a nap, and I’m hurting.  Today’s gym teacher noticed that I lost weight, and I was happy to tell him 35 pounds.  I’ve been doing his class for almost a year now.  So few people comment on my weight, which is probably a good thing.  I guess I just live in a very p.c. kind of town.   Honestly, I don’t think people really notice.  Or maybe they notice that something looks different, but they can’t figure out what.

For those of you who do weight training, does it always have to hurt?  Am I supposed to be this sore?  How do you know when to go with higher weight?  I think if I wait until it doesn’t hurt, it’ll never happen (as it hasn’t happened yet).

Small scale victory

The scale dropped below 160 today.  That makes my BMI 26.7.  I’ve finally figured out how this scale stuff works for me.  It bounces up and down, is up a pound or four if I eat anything with MSG, is down if I eat a small dinner the night before.  Then pms it’s up a few pounds, and after my period, it drops 4-5, and stays there until next MSG or PMS.  So, realistically,  I should just weigh once a month, because all the rest is just noise.  I’ll probably continue to weigh every day, since it’s no effort.   I’m continually having to toss clothes that are too big, which isn’t leaving me with much.  My size 10s are starting to get baggy.

I love comments on my blog!  I like writing them, too, but for many blogs, especially those on blogger that require preview followed by a scrambled word, those comments always vanish.  I must have a strange security setting that just won’t allow me to go there.   So if that’s the settings on your blog, I may still be reading you, I just can’t comment, though sometimes I might really want to.

**OK, had to enable cookies for something unrelated earlier, now I can post comments.  I’m still erasing them all afterwards.

No wonder I got fat

Just spend a few days with the family, and holy shit, my parents have some insane eating habits.  My mom buys non-fat yogurt, non-fat milk, non-fat this that and the other thing.   I can’t even find any bloody sugar in the house to put in my coffee.  I had to use ice cream, of which there is plenty.   I know it’s a bit strange, and it’s not my preference, but I hate skim milk and I can’t stand bitter coffee.  How crazy is it to eat non-fat yogurt for lunch if you’re going to eat three ice cream sandwiches after dinner?  I tried one of these yogurts out of desperation, and it was so disgustingly sweet I couldn’t eat more than two bites.  My poor dad, who has a stent and heart trouble, makes himself brown rice with chicken and broccoli, or homemade lentil soup, the mom has a hamburger with fries.  My sister hates vegetables, but makes her son eat them.  My dad is just starting to walk again from getting a new hip, gained six pounds from lack of  exercise for the last 3 months.  My mom eats pretzels, tortilla chips, burgers, french fries, ice cream, clam chowder (she pretends to not know it’s all cream and flour), never gains an ounce.   She rarely eat this stuff in front of me, but I can see that it is disappearing.  When I was a kid, we’d have all kinds of junk food that she’d hide in the dryer (never used it), or random other places where for some reason she thought I wouldn’t find it.  Of course I did, and ate it.  Now it seems totally surreal.   All the food in that house (except that bland non-fat stuff, including vegan cheese-that my dad eats) is highly processed, either non-fat with extra HFCS, or full fat junk food.  And then she yells at me if I eat lunch out.    I know she’s cheap and insane, but $10 is NOT super-expensive for a good lunch, including a beer.   There are just so many bagels with low-fat cream cheese that I can stand to eat.  Though honestly, if those ice cream sandwiches were chocolate or vanilla ice cream, instead of pomegranate (that makes it healthy, in her eyes), I might have had one.   Usually she comments about everything that I eat, but since I’m not that much bigger than her, she didn’t do that this time.  Thank god for small favors, I guess

Anyway, I realize I’m ranting, and that’s because I’m really pissed at my sister.   I brought her son home an hour late from a hike, and she was waiting with her middle finger up on the corner, and screamed and cursed like the psycho bitch that she is during the minute it took to let the boy out (he’s 10) and drive away.  I feel bad for the boy, he’s got a control freak perfectionist of a mom who can’t control her temper or her mouth.  Even my parents were stunned, and on my side for once.   None of us hikers had a watch, and she didn’t mention that she wanted him back so she could get home and be in bed by 8 pm.  I just pay attention to not be in the woods after dark, and apparently, the hour delay ruined her life.   She also screamed and cursed at my parents, she called her husband at home and screamed at him.  She’s always hated me, I’ve never cared for her, but I hate to see her screw up the boy.  In another two or three years, he’ll start screaming back, and she’ll deserve it.    Her poor husband is a saint-why can’t I find a man like that?

Anyway, it’s nice to be back to my cold foggy home, with my vegetables and fruits, real cheese, real butter, spices, no crazy people screaming that I’m a fucking irresponsible bitch and that’s why I don’t have kids (I’ve never wanted kids).  The cat, dog, and landlord are very happy to see me.  And not a bit of high fructose corn syrup, nor non-fat dairy-real or fake- in the house.

In the bathing suit, first time in years

No news is no news on the weight loss front.  I’m having a few too many indulgences to be losing much these days. I’m on it, though.   I have been inspired by peggynature, who put up a picture of herself in all her glory.  She has a healthier attitude about it than I do, but I’m going to close my eyes, grit my teeth, and post this.  I’ll probably take it down in a few days., but I think there is some psychological value to me in showing it.  This is me, hanging with a friend who is housesitting.  The dogs come with the pool, and will join you there.  They also want to join you on the couch, on the bed, to the bathroom, kitchen, wherever, they must be there too.  Makes me appreciate my cat all the more.   So here goes nothing.

Me in all my chubbiness

BTW, this is the worst of them.  When I’m standing, hiding behind hair and clothes, I almost look normal weight.

More weight loss side effects

I’ve noticed another unexpected side effect of weight loss.  This one, unlike my butt being less comfortable for sitting, is a positive.  As I’ve been getting ready to move, I’m purging my belongings.  I gave away most of my weight loss and compulsive eating books, some cookbooks, a few fiction, all the clothes too big or too ugly.  The surprise came with shoes.  As I’ve mentioned before, most of my belongings come from thrift stores, garage sales, flea markets, and some stuff I get just because I like and it’s cheap, even if I can’t try things on.  Many clothes I buy in hopes that they’ll fit someday.  This is why I have to donate so much to charity-sometimes, even when they do start to fit, they still look horrible.  I don’t do this anymore, too broke to buy clothes that won’t fit, just to get rid of them.  So, a few pairs of sandals and hiking boots and casual shoes that I had in the charity pile I tried on again.  They fit.  I lost weight in my bloody feet!    Thinking about it now, a big duh to me, but it never occurred to me that my feet wouldn’t be as wide.  Woo-hoo!  I have the biggest problem with shoes fitting comfortably.  They still might not be comfortable, but at least I’ll have more of them to choose from.

I’m too sore for the gym.  I’ll have to wait until tomorrow.  I’m going for a few mile walk to do errands, I hurt.