Censored

Sometimes depression overwhelms me and takes over my life.  This would be one of those times.  I’ve given up on the idea of quitting cigarettes, it was making me suicidal, and decided to quit smoking weed instead.  That has almost as much of an emotional impact, but no physical component to the addiction.  I know that theoretically this is illegal, maybe not really where I live, so I try not to talk about it too much.  I think it has an impact of every aspect of my life, especially as it enables me to tolerate bad situations because I can become numb enough to be indifferent.  It makes me more likely to be a hermit and a loner, less motivated to get work, a real relationship, clean my apartment, take care of myself.  I don’t think you can be a daily user of a mood altering substance and be fully partaking in life.  Not that I’m up for full involvement, I think for a few days I’ll just feel awful (par for the course of any addiction), start cleaning my apartment, figuring out what to do with my life.  I don’t think I’m happy in this town, thinking of returning to where I grew up.  Who knows, maybe I’ll feel different when I start to normalize again.  Sorry this post sucks so badly, but I’m in no mood.  The one saving grace is that I have no appetite and only eat when my hunger gets too strong, but I still go to the gym, to try to break this mood.  It will work eventually.  It’s funny, I can actually feel the bad mood lifting, my body chemistry changing, after a few hours at the gym.  I guess it must be chemical, and chemicals get broken down.  I don’t know how it works really, don’t fucking care right now.

Yesterday I went on a 9 mile hike.  That’s really too long, but I really wanted to go to this park.  There are three trails, and I took one up, and the short (2 mile) trail down is unpleasantly steep, so I took the 5 mile trail down.  It doesn’t hurt, but is uncomfortable and annoying.  I don’t know how those mountain bikers do it, they’re insane.   I met a bobcat on the path, he probably thought I was a tasty bunny, but when he saw me he took off quickly.  No picture of him.  The leftovers creeped me out, but gives me hope that whoever ate Bambi isn’t hungry anymore, and is napping somewhere.