Disinhibition

Hopefully everyone is looking forward to spending time with loved ones and enjoying Thanksgiving dinner, however you’re doing that this year.  I’m going to a fancy buffet with some local relatives down the coast a bit, then I’m going to meet the parents for a few days in LA.  I’m sure I’ll eat a huge meal, and I’ll hike the day before, go to the gym the day of, eat lightly these next few days, maybe a few days after, and not worry about it more than that.  The parents, however, are a different story.

I have a lot of resentment still about how they tyrannized me about weight through my adolescence.  Who would have thought that belittling your daughter, attempting to diet her with stupid and dangerously incorrect notions of nutrition, and telling her she’s fat and disgusting would have long lasting negative consequences?  Big “fuck you” to both of them, her for being her, him for not stopping her sooner (he won’t let her do it now, mostly because he doesn’t like my temper).  I’m sure this will offend some of you, especially the parents, but some parents really do a bad job.  I know they did the best they could, but it was so many kinds of wrong and cruel, and I don’t know how to undo the damage they did to my self-esteem and overall lack of psychological well-being.   I may also see physical consequences from periods of starving myself (she didn’t make me do this, but nobody noticed) alternating with incredibly dangerous or out of control eating habits.  I remember how frail and breakable my fingernails (and hair) were, compared to now, from poor nutrition and unhealthy living.  They’re old now, and I wish I didn’t feel this way, it’s not helpful to anyone.

So, the point of this is that my eating/lifestyle spin out of control for about a week before I see them.  At this point, I’m not much bigger than my mom, so I comment on her crappy eating, not very mature, but I kind of want her to know how it feels.  She occasionally gives me a dirty look, usually ignores me.  If she wants to think she’s all that because she eats low-fat cheese and doesn’t use butter or salad dressing, yet doesn’t see a connection (or disconnect) at eating 3 ice cream cookie sandwiches every night, nothing I’m going to say will make a difference.  She’s never been fat, so none of this pushes her buttons.  I am ashamed that I try to make her feel bad, but I am still very hurt.

I don’t like writing this blog because I feel exposed.  I want to withdraw right now, not deal with people, not express emotions, just numb myself and exercise.  Anyway, before seeing the parents, I get some strange internal rebellion, eat fewer vegetables, higher fat/bready meals, and start smoking again.  I’ve been eating huge breakfasts, hitting the gym, skipping lunch, and then walking until I get hungry, which may be 12 hours after breakfast.  I think I won’t gain weight, because I don’t think I’m really overeating, as I hardly eat the rest of the day, but this is not healthy, sane living.

Regarding big meals, I’ve been reading here and there about how people misunderestimate (sorry, GW Bush poke, I think that word is hilarious) calorie intake, especially when eating big meals.  Turns out, everybody does this, not just obese/overweight.  Maybe the difference is how often big meals are eaten?

Overweight and normal weight people estimate calorie intake the same way

Another similar, about supposed slow metabolisms, for fitness professionals, with more attitude but some useful information.  I don’t buy it 100%, but one of the things this article points out, is talking about “eating frenzies”, which may or may not be binges, but will easily outdo a weeks worth of “dieting”.  They don’t differentiate between emotional overeating vs the body trying to counter the diet (and neither do I anymore).  This is why my first priority here is no bingeing, even though that means no dieting, and I have to be careful with my psychology first, food second.  Not sure what to think of my spinning out of control eating and exercising right now, but I’m giving it a pass, as it’s disordered, but not fattening, and I’m too depressed and indifferent to fight it.   Likely I’m subconsciously trying to push myself to diet because of upcoming parent visit, and it’s causing shock waves to my life.

Underreporting?  Who me?  But I have a slow metabolism

As they try to figure out what separates those who lose and maintain weight, vs those who don’t, they’re looking at brain patterns and learned behaviors, with regard to restraint and disinhibition.    It seems people who lose weight and keep it off have different responses to food than those who have never had a weight problem, or who are overweight but don’t lose weight/keep it off.

See Food Diet:  Brain Activity and Weight Loss

These are all summary papers, with citations available if you want to actually read the real paper, or the studies involved.

I’m not sure of the difference between restraint and disinhibition, thus don’t quite understand this one, but if someone wants to explain it to me, I’d be happy.

Eating Inventory and Body Adiposity

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone

Mt Diablo

very steep hike

Potato chips and meunster on sourdough

This may count as one of the strangest meals I’ve eaten yet.  I went to a barbecue, didn’t want sausage, didn’t want gardenburgers, and I was hungry.  I also put onion and lettuce, so it was a dry sandwich, but it was fine.  It was a bike party at a brewery in the bowels of Oakland.   I bike there almost 5 miles each way, in short sleeves, trying to get some Vitamin D, in case I don’t have enough.    I wouldn’t dare bike through these parts at night, I would have to go an extra two miles out of the way.  It’s gorgeous during the day, though.

Yesterday the ex and I sat in a hipster bar in the Mission, discussing how our parents fucked us up, and how to fix ourselves.  We have a strange relationship, complicated by the fact that we never quite get away from each other, and are very close, despite the problems from being exes.  Our moms are best friends, though they no longer live close, but we know each other well, and we know each others parents, and have witnessed firsthand the damage being done.  We must look a strange pair, we are obviously not fighting, but I get weepy.   It’s funny being the only woman in a bar, I can do anything, nobody will say a word to me, not while crying, anyway.   I am going to practice living as if I loved myself, rather than slightly despising myself, see if that goes any better.  I’ll figure it out as I do it.

I’m 152.5 pounds.  At 148, my BMI = 25.  I’ll still be chubby, but I’ll think about resetting a goal when I make this one.  This is an old picture of me, maybe 2 years ago, when I weighed ~200.

I don’t belong

Here or anywhere.  I don’t really feel like I have much more to say about weight loss.  I’ll likely continue on with what I’m doing, and lose slowly until I don’t anymore.  Besides I’m not the best example.  I unapologetically continue to eat butter, bacon, white sugar, full fat dairy.  OTOH, I don’t fit into the mainstream either, as I don’t eat the Standard American Diet, though I occasionally eat a meal of it, for pleasure or convenience.  I don’t eat much processed food, or any food faster than burritos or sushi.  I eat way too much produce, likely more than most of you (if not, I’d really like to hear about it).  Exercise is priority #1 in my life, which doesn’t mean that I’m that obsessive about it, just that there’s nothing else going on.  I am a pothead, and this may not be the right forum for this, but it’s my only blog, and it dominates my life, though in very subtle ways.  It’s kind of like being alcoholic, but without all the calories, liver damage, violence, loss of motor control, loss of inhibition, hangovers, physical addiction.  And they won’t hassle you for consuming it in public (not in SF, anyway).  It is still not a good thing.  I need to fix that, which seems like it should be easy, after breaking ED.  And I also need to clean my apartment, my car, my garden, my life.  I don’t take care of myself, other than in ways directly related to weight.

I’ve been working on it.  I force myself to go out and be social, though I’d often rather just stay in and not talk to anyone.  I’m too hyper to be a good hermit, just as I’m too hyper to take a day off exercise, unless I’m very ill.  Sometimes I go out, and still don’t talk to anyone.  I’m starting to make more friends, but I’d like a boyfriend, and I haven’t had one in years.  I don’t easily connect with people, and it’s partly because I’m high.  I’ve noticed a few defensive, slightly hostile behaviors that weren’t helping me here, and I’ve been changing them, and that’s going well.

I think it’s coming up now because it’s time.  I dealt with ED, then weight, and now that weight is almost done, I need to become a functioning human being.  I’m not getting any younger.   It really is time.  I realize now, that by changing my defensive attitudes, I’ve already started.

Sigh.

I’m reading a very good book.  Maybe I’ll do a book review when I’m done.  I think it’ll be the last food book I read, I’m ready for a new subject.

And on a last unrelated note, I went to a party last weekend where there were a lot of big women.  I’m a bit uncomfortable around them, truth be told.  It’s likely because my life is so intertwined in gym and eating to lose weight, though I don’t talk about that with them, I maybe feel just a bit guilty.   I realized that I’ve become the woman I used to hate at their size, though to them, I’m just a mildly chubby chick, not a card carrying member of the previously obese.

 

The slowest weight loss ever

I get lazy and slack off at times, just maintain, but I’m back on it now. Today my BMI is 26.1, I have 6.5 more pounds until I’m not overweight anymore. I stopped by the gym only to use the scale, too ill to work out. It’s only a block out of the way, and since my flu or whatever I have is mostly manifesting in a smokers cough, the ciggies had to go.   Boo, I wanted to wait another week. Couldn’t, my lungs hurt, and I’m tired of coughing.

I biked up to my green chemistry seminar, went for a huge walk, ate both lunch and dinner out.  Some Thai silver noodle dish for lunch, a small veggie burrito for dinner.  My signals are completely out of whack when I am craving nicotine, I can’t tell if I’m hungry, full, what I want (other than a smoke), what I should eat, drink, do or say.  Basically I just try to avoid everyone, and the food is weird.  Since I can’t tell or read any hunger, I will eat what seems reasonable and not cause weight gain.    Externally controlled, at least until I stabilize a bit.  This usually means that I make myself eat, so that I don’t screw up from not paying attention, and get too hungry, which always has unfortunate consequences.  Defensive eating, I do it!  I do it other times, too, like when I’m going somewhere that I won’t want to eat the food for hours and hours.  I’ll eat a huge burrito, and be too full to eat for the next 8 hours, no matter how good anything looks.    Does anybody else do this?  Or even know of what I speak?

Here’s some pictures, one is a view from atop the stadium (kind of a steep slidey path to get there), and the other is some animal rights people protesting one of the leftiest radio stations in the country for not promoting veganism.