09
Nov
09

I don’t belong

Here or anywhere.  I don’t really feel like I have much more to say about weight loss.  I’ll likely continue on with what I’m doing, and lose slowly until I don’t anymore.  Besides I’m not the best example.  I unapologetically continue to eat butter, bacon, white sugar, full fat dairy.  OTOH, I don’t fit into the mainstream either, as I don’t eat the Standard American Diet, though I occasionally eat a meal of it, for pleasure or convenience.  I don’t eat much processed food, or any food faster than burritos or sushi.  I eat way too much produce, likely more than most of you (if not, I’d really like to hear about it).  Exercise is priority #1 in my life, which doesn’t mean that I’m that obsessive about it, just that there’s nothing else going on.  I am a pothead, and this may not be the right forum for this, but it’s my only blog, and it dominates my life, though in very subtle ways.  It’s kind of like being alcoholic, but without all the calories, liver damage, violence, loss of motor control, loss of inhibition, hangovers, physical addiction.  And they won’t hassle you for consuming it in public (not in SF, anyway).  It is still not a good thing.  I need to fix that, which seems like it should be easy, after breaking ED.  And I also need to clean my apartment, my car, my garden, my life.  I don’t take care of myself, other than in ways directly related to weight.

I’ve been working on it.  I force myself to go out and be social, though I’d often rather just stay in and not talk to anyone.  I’m too hyper to be a good hermit, just as I’m too hyper to take a day off exercise, unless I’m very ill.  Sometimes I go out, and still don’t talk to anyone.  I’m starting to make more friends, but I’d like a boyfriend, and I haven’t had one in years.  I don’t easily connect with people, and it’s partly because I’m high.  I’ve noticed a few defensive, slightly hostile behaviors that weren’t helping me here, and I’ve been changing them, and that’s going well.

I think it’s coming up now because it’s time.  I dealt with ED, then weight, and now that weight is almost done, I need to become a functioning human being.  I’m not getting any younger.   It really is time.  I realize now, that by changing my defensive attitudes, I’ve already started.

Sigh.

I’m reading a very good book.  Maybe I’ll do a book review when I’m done.  I think it’ll be the last food book I read, I’m ready for a new subject.

And on a last unrelated note, I went to a party last weekend where there were a lot of big women.  I’m a bit uncomfortable around them, truth be told.  It’s likely because my life is so intertwined in gym and eating to lose weight, though I don’t talk about that with them, I maybe feel just a bit guilty.   I realized that I’ve become the woman I used to hate at their size, though to them, I’m just a mildly chubby chick, not a card carrying member of the previously obese.

 

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16 Responses to “I don’t belong”


  1. 1 Lynne
    November 10, 2009 at 6:28 am

    I am where you are. I am also a pothead and want to live a better life, I have done all the research and know what to eat and what not to eat but I still abuse my body. I will not stop smoking pot. I have stopped smoking cigarettes but I won’t do that. I don’t drink anymore and will not give it up. That is not the reason why I don’t lose weight because I have lost weight while doing it before.
    I don’t belong either.

  2. November 10, 2009 at 6:51 am

    I hope that you you will find peace in your life Julie. I think that sometimes I think that everyone eats and work outs better/more than I do, but I just try and focus on what’s best for me and my family.

    Really who belongs? We are all uniquely created individuals. I know what you are saying though and hope that you find a place where you feel comfortable being you and where you are accepted and loved for you. Because you deserve it.

  3. November 10, 2009 at 6:52 am

    You know, not to sound all Mary Sunshine about it, but part of the reason I LIKE your blog is because you don’t belong. It’s a good reminder (at least for me) that different things work for different people, that there is no One True Way to Weight Loss. One of the things I struggle with the most about losing weight is the idea that I’m “doing it wrong.” And FWIW, this blog is a major reminder that I’m ALLOWED to listen to my body and actually *gasp* heed what it’s telling me, even when that flies in the face of conventional wisdom.

    Having said that, I TOTALLY understand what you mean about knowing that “it’s time” for something. Lord knows I’ve made most of my (internal) life decisions that way. But I’ll continue to read whatever you want to post, if you want to continue to post. Either way, you sound a little down, so I’m sending you virtual hugs, for whatever that’s worth.

  4. November 10, 2009 at 11:19 am

    Wow.

    Minus the pot – and smoking in general – you absolutely could have been talking about me.

    ED – over eating or under eating – or both – because they ARE two sides of the same coin.

    Addiction transfer is the name of the game for most of us.

    Social isolation (which is so funny because I live with 4 other people – well I guess 3 when the oldest is at college).

    The clutter things, the unoranized thing, the not taking care of things/myself – which in my opinion are exactly the same thing as the food thing – we just don’t carry them around with us like we do our fat. Not showering has been a constant struggle for me (I think my record is 11 days).

    Exercise. No matter what. It started as a safe place to not eat. And then it is very much a part of nothing to do – no friends – a way to be around people without having to actually interact.

    I absolutely did not feel like I fit in when I started blogging. And if you look at what most people write – I still do not actually fit in.

    And if you happen by one of my comments on another blog – you will often see that I start with – I am sure I will be the LONE VOICE saying this. And I usually am. I am just okay enough to BE the lone voice now. I used to write it out and delete it.

    I do not enable and I don’t do codependency and I SEE things in a very different way than the main stream weight loss blogger.

    I write what I want – but I do try to be tactful about it. And I will often put up a disclaimer that says – I know this is going to offend someone, somewhere, but here it is. And I suppose the ones – that I drive crazy – have just clicked on those days.

    My therapist thought my writing was one of my biggest assets in helping myself. My psychiatrist still thinks that – he often asks me what I am writing and what I am thinking.

    Writing – for me – was a BIG part of being able to pay attention to what I was thinking. And then eventually got comfortable enough to be able to pay attention to what I was feeling. And that was a BIG step. When I write, I am actually LISTENING to myself. And that is a new thing.

  5. November 10, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    Well, Julie, you sound depressed! Brilliant no? That’s why I make the big bucks lol! I don’t blame you for not wanting to write about food, etc, and I suggest you don’t! There are plenty of other things in your life that are more interesting, and those of us that read your writing, would like to hear your views about them I am sure.

    Journeys begin with that first step. Trivial? No, simple. Big difference. Choose one thing and take one step in a direction that feels right to you. Then another if it feels correct, or choose something else. Once you find that thing, keep it up and you will be amazed how when you look back at how far you have come.

    That’s all I got.

  6. 7 RA
    November 10, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    I love this blog for the same reasons as Marste. It’s unique in the world of blogs, hard to find these days. I dig your personality (at least what you present through your writing.) If smoking pot makes you happy, then why not? If it’s the source of depression and unhappiness…well, then that’s when you change it. You’re always on the right track, it’s just hard to stay there sometimes.

  7. 8 MB
    November 11, 2009 at 4:21 am

    I’m in good company because I don’t belong either.

    I’ve been smokin’ pot since junior high and don’t want to give it up. I only think about quitting ’cause I can’t find anything worth smokin’ lately. I’m not a drinker or a pill popper and need some kind of vice in my life. Light ‘em if you got ‘em.

  8. November 11, 2009 at 6:22 am

    Lynn – I don’t think it’s “unhealthy” (except for the smoking). I don’t actually want to quit like I want to quit cigarettes, I just want to make it more social, less all the time.

    Diane – Thanks. I really enjoy our blog, you have come so far, and you are one of the rare ones who seem to be content, enjoying your life.

    Marste – Thanks for appreciating my blog, and appreciating me “doing things wrong”.

    Dr. J – Yes, I am depressed. I only function at all because I exercise so much. I often see my path out, but am usually too stoned to bother. I make small changes, it’s just frustratingly slow, kinda like weight loss.

    RA – Thanks. I think the problem is that it allows me to tolerate a dull life.

    MB – I don’t know where you’re at, but we’re spoiled here in Northern CA. Hope you have better luck soon!

  9. November 11, 2009 at 8:20 am

    for someone that feels they “don’t belong”, you sure have a lot of people in the same boat as you, or similar!! you just “belong” to another group right now of the millions of people that struggle to find their niche in the health and fitness world. it’s nothing to feel depressed or upset about. it’s not easy! if it was, we’d all be a fit and healthy society, but we’re not!! the small changes are working, and the progress is slow, but steady! don’t be discouraged!! *hugs*

  10. November 11, 2009 at 9:56 am

    Honestly, I think when you scratch below the surface, most people don’t feel they “belong”. I certainly don’t feel that I belong.

    I love your blog. You’ve got a different voice from most people I read and I, for one, will keep coming back for more, no matter what you write about.

  11. November 11, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Well, I’ve been following you for a while now, and I would never have known that you feel the way you expressed, and that you consider yourself a pothead. I read the comments from your other followers, and I’m going to be the odd man out here. I see you struggling with your weight, not totally to be thin, but to be healthy, to feel good, etc. And here you are smoking cigs and pot and drawing this shit into your body. I understand they are both an addiction, and hard to quit, been there-done that, but you need to if you want to move on. And I believe you do want to. No judgements here, just a kick in the butt!

  12. November 11, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    You’re very insightful about yourself and your actions. I envy that. Knowing the ‘why’ of something is critical to deciding the proper behavioral course: to change it or accept it. Either way, as long as you keep moving you’re making progress.

  13. November 11, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    You know… I don’t read your blog because it is chocked full of weight loss stuff, or for food advice, or for any other reason besides the fact that I relate to what you say- you are normal in the way that you are not recording food, exercise, and weekly/daily weigh-ins.

    So there. Stop writing about food? Write about feelings, trials, joys, boyfriends, staring at the ceiling fan, eating tasty burritos?? It IS about you!!

  14. November 12, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    I have no advice, all I can say is I like your blog. I’ve been reading since you posted that picture of your too-big undies, which I just thought was really funny and charming. I will certainly be reading with interest and rooting for you. Your life is so different from mine (I live in a conservative small town in Central Pa, am married and raising a modest herd of kids). It’s fascinating to read about someone else’s life, good and bad. Wishing you a full measure of the good.

  15. November 13, 2009 at 8:31 pm

    Who “belongs?” I mean, eats just what they should, or eats like everyone else? Hardly anybody. The only test of whether something should be in your life is if it disrupts things you need and want to do. Think of that as a yardstick. And remember–normal is only a cycle on the washing machine.


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