Hopefully everyone is looking forward to spending time with loved ones and enjoying Thanksgiving dinner, however you’re doing that this year.  I’m going to a fancy buffet with some local relatives down the coast a bit, then I’m going to meet the parents for a few days in LA.  I’m sure I’ll eat a huge meal, and I’ll hike the day before, go to the gym the day of, eat lightly these next few days, maybe a few days after, and not worry about it more than that.  The parents, however, are a different story.

I have a lot of resentment still about how they tyrannized me about weight through my adolescence.  Who would have thought that belittling your daughter, attempting to diet her with stupid and dangerously incorrect notions of nutrition, and telling her she’s fat and disgusting would have long lasting negative consequences?  Big “fuck you” to both of them, her for being her, him for not stopping her sooner (he won’t let her do it now, mostly because he doesn’t like my temper).  I’m sure this will offend some of you, especially the parents, but some parents really do a bad job.  I know they did the best they could, but it was so many kinds of wrong and cruel, and I don’t know how to undo the damage they did to my self-esteem and overall lack of psychological well-being.   I may also see physical consequences from periods of starving myself (she didn’t make me do this, but nobody noticed) alternating with incredibly dangerous or out of control eating habits.  I remember how frail and breakable my fingernails (and hair) were, compared to now, from poor nutrition and unhealthy living.  They’re old now, and I wish I didn’t feel this way, it’s not helpful to anyone.

So, the point of this is that my eating/lifestyle spin out of control for about a week before I see them.  At this point, I’m not much bigger than my mom, so I comment on her crappy eating, not very mature, but I kind of want her to know how it feels.  She occasionally gives me a dirty look, usually ignores me.  If she wants to think she’s all that because she eats low-fat cheese and doesn’t use butter or salad dressing, yet doesn’t see a connection (or disconnect) at eating 3 ice cream cookie sandwiches every night, nothing I’m going to say will make a difference.  She’s never been fat, so none of this pushes her buttons.  I am ashamed that I try to make her feel bad, but I am still very hurt.

I don’t like writing this blog because I feel exposed.  I want to withdraw right now, not deal with people, not express emotions, just numb myself and exercise.  Anyway, before seeing the parents, I get some strange internal rebellion, eat fewer vegetables, higher fat/bready meals, and start smoking again.  I’ve been eating huge breakfasts, hitting the gym, skipping lunch, and then walking until I get hungry, which may be 12 hours after breakfast.  I think I won’t gain weight, because I don’t think I’m really overeating, as I hardly eat the rest of the day, but this is not healthy, sane living.

Regarding big meals, I’ve been reading here and there about how people misunderestimate (sorry, GW Bush poke, I think that word is hilarious) calorie intake, especially when eating big meals.  Turns out, everybody does this, not just obese/overweight.  Maybe the difference is how often big meals are eaten?

Overweight and normal weight people estimate calorie intake the same way

Another similar, about supposed slow metabolisms, for fitness professionals, with more attitude but some useful information.  I don’t buy it 100%, but one of the things this article points out, is talking about “eating frenzies”, which may or may not be binges, but will easily outdo a weeks worth of “dieting”.  They don’t differentiate between emotional overeating vs the body trying to counter the diet (and neither do I anymore).  This is why my first priority here is no bingeing, even though that means no dieting, and I have to be careful with my psychology first, food second.  Not sure what to think of my spinning out of control eating and exercising right now, but I’m giving it a pass, as it’s disordered, but not fattening, and I’m too depressed and indifferent to fight it.   Likely I’m subconsciously trying to push myself to diet because of upcoming parent visit, and it’s causing shock waves to my life.

Underreporting?  Who me?  But I have a slow metabolism

As they try to figure out what separates those who lose and maintain weight, vs those who don’t, they’re looking at brain patterns and learned behaviors, with regard to restraint and disinhibition.    It seems people who lose weight and keep it off have different responses to food than those who have never had a weight problem, or who are overweight but don’t lose weight/keep it off.

See Food Diet:  Brain Activity and Weight Loss

These are all summary papers, with citations available if you want to actually read the real paper, or the studies involved.

I’m not sure of the difference between restraint and disinhibition, thus don’t quite understand this one, but if someone wants to explain it to me, I’d be happy.

Eating Inventory and Body Adiposity

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone

Mt Diablo

very steep hike

This may count as one of the strangest meals I’ve eaten yet.  I went to a barbecue, didn’t want sausage, didn’t want gardenburgers, and I was hungry.  I also put onion and lettuce, so it was a dry sandwich, but it was fine.  It was a bike party at a brewery in the bowels of Oakland.   I bike there almost 5 miles each way, in short sleeves, trying to get some Vitamin D, in case I don’t have enough.    I wouldn’t dare bike through these parts at night, I would have to go an extra two miles out of the way.  It’s gorgeous during the day, though.

Yesterday the ex and I sat in a hipster bar in the Mission, discussing how our parents fucked us up, and how to fix ourselves.  We have a strange relationship, complicated by the fact that we never quite get away from each other, and are very close, despite the problems from being exes.  Our moms are best friends, though they no longer live close, but we know each other well, and we know each others parents, and have witnessed firsthand the damage being done.  We must look a strange pair, we are obviously not fighting, but I get weepy.   It’s funny being the only woman in a bar, I can do anything, nobody will say a word to me, not while crying, anyway.   I am going to practice living as if I loved myself, rather than slightly despising myself, see if that goes any better.  I’ll figure it out as I do it.

I’m 152.5 pounds.  At 148, my BMI = 25.  I’ll still be chubby, but I’ll think about resetting a goal when I make this one.  This is an old picture of me, maybe 2 years ago, when I weighed ~200.

Here or anywhere.  I don’t really feel like I have much more to say about weight loss.  I’ll likely continue on with what I’m doing, and lose slowly until I don’t anymore.  Besides I’m not the best example.  I unapologetically continue to eat butter, bacon, white sugar, full fat dairy.  OTOH, I don’t fit into the mainstream either, as I don’t eat the Standard American Diet, though I occasionally eat a meal of it, for pleasure or convenience.  I don’t eat much processed food, or any food faster than burritos or sushi.  I eat way too much produce, likely more than most of you (if not, I’d really like to hear about it).  Exercise is priority #1 in my life, which doesn’t mean that I’m that obsessive about it, just that there’s nothing else going on.  I am a pothead, and this may not be the right forum for this, but it’s my only blog, and it dominates my life, though in very subtle ways.  It’s kind of like being alcoholic, but without all the calories, liver damage, violence, loss of motor control, loss of inhibition, hangovers, physical addiction.  And they won’t hassle you for consuming it in public (not in SF, anyway).  It is still not a good thing.  I need to fix that, which seems like it should be easy, after breaking ED.  And I also need to clean my apartment, my car, my garden, my life.  I don’t take care of myself, other than in ways directly related to weight.

I’ve been working on it.  I force myself to go out and be social, though I’d often rather just stay in and not talk to anyone.  I’m too hyper to be a good hermit, just as I’m too hyper to take a day off exercise, unless I’m very ill.  Sometimes I go out, and still don’t talk to anyone.  I’m starting to make more friends, but I’d like a boyfriend, and I haven’t had one in years.  I don’t easily connect with people, and it’s partly because I’m high.  I’ve noticed a few defensive, slightly hostile behaviors that weren’t helping me here, and I’ve been changing them, and that’s going well.

I think it’s coming up now because it’s time.  I dealt with ED, then weight, and now that weight is almost done, I need to become a functioning human being.  I’m not getting any younger.   It really is time.  I realize now, that by changing my defensive attitudes, I’ve already started.

Sigh.

I’m reading a very good book.  Maybe I’ll do a book review when I’m done.  I think it’ll be the last food book I read, I’m ready for a new subject.

And on a last unrelated note, I went to a party last weekend where there were a lot of big women.  I’m a bit uncomfortable around them, truth be told.  It’s likely because my life is so intertwined in gym and eating to lose weight, though I don’t talk about that with them, I maybe feel just a bit guilty.   I realized that I’ve become the woman I used to hate at their size, though to them, I’m just a mildly chubby chick, not a card carrying member of the previously obese.

I get lazy and slack off at times, just maintain, but I’m back on it now. Today my BMI is 26.1, I have 6.5 more pounds until I’m not overweight anymore. I stopped by the gym only to use the scale, too ill to work out. It’s only a block out of the way, and since my flu or whatever I have is mostly manifesting in a smokers cough, the ciggies had to go.   Boo, I wanted to wait another week. Couldn’t, my lungs hurt, and I’m tired of coughing.

I biked up to my green chemistry seminar, went for a huge walk, ate both lunch and dinner out.  Some Thai silver noodle dish for lunch, a small veggie burrito for dinner.  My signals are completely out of whack when I am craving nicotine, I can’t tell if I’m hungry, full, what I want (other than a smoke), what I should eat, drink, do or say.  Basically I just try to avoid everyone, and the food is weird.  Since I can’t tell or read any hunger, I will eat what seems reasonable and not cause weight gain.    Externally controlled, at least until I stabilize a bit.  This usually means that I make myself eat, so that I don’t screw up from not paying attention, and get too hungry, which always has unfortunate consequences.  Defensive eating, I do it!  I do it other times, too, like when I’m going somewhere that I won’t want to eat the food for hours and hours.  I’ll eat a huge burrito, and be too full to eat for the next 8 hours, no matter how good anything looks.    Does anybody else do this?  Or even know of what I speak?

Here’s some pictures, one is a view from atop the stadium (kind of a steep slidey path to get there), and the other is some animal rights people protesting one of the leftiest radio stations in the country for not promoting veganism. 

Well, almost.  I had been in the terrible habit of buying things that I hoped I would fit into some day, back in the days when I was working and could afford thrift store and garage store prices.  These were hopeful, sizes 10 – 14, as opposed to the 16+ I was wearing.  As I came into the size 14s, I realized what a bad idea buying clothes I couldn’t try on really was.  Half of these fit funny, and I stopped buying clothes altogether.  For about the last 6 months, I’ve just been wearing what I grow (shrink?) into.  Everything I’ve ever bought now fits, though some will need a few less pounds on me to be comfortable.  Most I don’t like, and even at thrift store/garage sale prices, it’s a lot of money wasted, not to mention taking up valuable room, and moving houses once or twice or more.   I’m glad I have so many clothes left at this size, I must have spent a few years here in the past.  If I lose more than another 5 pounds, these will start to be baggy, and I’ll have to consider clothes shopping, which is still traumatizing to me, even though I’m very easy to fit now.  My Halloween costume is a size M, little disco roller blade outfit thingie, a bit risque.  I’ll wear tights under it, so I don’t flash my ass to the world, and don’t freeze, as I’ll be on bicycle.  I am thrilled that it fits, I had my fingers crossed, though I’ll put it int the category of better with 5 less pounds.  My gym clothes are getting baggy, after 45 pounds I’m surprised it took so long.  Maybe garage sales and flea markets are right for me right now, though I still can’t try things on.  At least if something is $1-$2, not $8 (or $80), I don’t mind so much.  I think clothes shopping will always cause mild terror in me, likely due to how my mom always used that opportunity to humiliate me about weight, but I’m just going to let that go by.

I’m in a funk, not quite like other depressions from my past, but just unmotivated, indifferent, bored.  I can’t get myself to put any energy into looking for work, and haven’t been able to find out what’s going on with my unemployment.  My social life is improving slightly.  I’m exercising a lot, but am dissatisfied with the classes here, so it’s not giving me the endorphins or whatever it is I’m really seeking (the truth comes out!) .  The bridge to the city is broken and it’s too tough to get there to do better, not to mention that it’s expensive.  I’m going to try a Latin Dance class this morning, I’d prefer Zumba and Body Sculpt this afternoon, but I think I have company coming for a day or two.  “Nice to see you, friend from CT, I’m off to the gym, see you in a few hours!  There’s the fridge, if you’re hungry!”   Not that I’m not tempted, but I try to avoid being like that.   Maybe I’ll just go for a local hike, instead, try to think some shit through.

I went for a short hike with two friends Tuesday.  J mentioned and was happy for a friend who lost 80 pounds “the old fashioned way”.  Then she asked how much I’ve lost, as I’m doing that too.  I’ve been 60 pounds heavier, though that was long ago (probably when I first met her).   About the same size of the other woman with us, more or less.  We were talking about the insanity of the diet industry, and crappy food and obsession.  I mentioned that I used to be obsessed and self-righteous about it, and J reminded me that I had not liked her decision to do weight loss surgery.  I didn’t remember that until she mentioned it, but I apologized, said I’ve grown up a lot since then, and am not so judgmental anymore.  I should probably explain myself to her more when I get a chance.  Some people are just genetically fucked.   These two women are much more comfortable with the weight they are (or were) then I have ever been, or likely will be,  at any weight.  I feel like such damaged goods, I feel like I’ve spent my life obsessing about my weight, and now that my weight is almost “normal”, I need to back off, psychologically speaking.  I’ll still have to exercise a bunch and not overeat, but that doesn’t need my full attention, just the effort to continue, and the scale to keep me on track.

I need a focus in life besides my weight.  I’m thinking of turning my cable off, no tv means I’ll likely leave the house more, isolate less, which would be a great start.  I still need to get interested in something, but I have to find that, and I won’t find that in my tiny apt.

I like to eat food, though I’m picky as hell, and I’ve got some strange eating habits.  I’ve been adjusing them as I lose my extra weight, and they’re more or less working for me, or I tweak more.  I’m eating less fake meat, more real meat.  I’ve been semi-veg most of my life, but I find these days (because I exercise a lot?), if I don’t proactively eat a bit of red meat occasionally, I’ll crave burgers.  I do eat a burger maybe once a month, maybe 1/3 of the time with fries, usually with salad.  I’m eating more fat, less processed carbs.   This means full fat cottage cheese, yogurt, mozzerella, but skip the pretzels, crackers, bread.  I use butter, but not in copious amounts.  I probably eat more cheese than I should, but I don’t like meat, and don’t usually care for vegan.  I also burn through my food quickly, so if I don’t eat moderate fat at least, I have to eat more often, which is more effort, work, thought, etc.

I eat a few slices of bread/week.  PB&J on regular ww bread if I go hiking, not often these days, due to rain and price of gas.  One of my favorite breakfasts is an omelette.  I sautee shiitakes, add spinach or bok choy or micro-greeens, one slice of chopped bacon, a handful of cheese, an egg, all on a slice of 12 grain toast.  Very high fiber meal, and though it sounds heavy, consider that I used to go out 2-3 times a week for bacon/eggs, which was usually 2 eggs, 2-4 bacon, home fries, two slice of whole wheat colored toast with that butter flavored liquid that they drip on that, whatever it is (trans-fat?).  No fiber or veggies, and 2-3 times the food.   An easier and more common breakfast is home-made wild lox, chive and cream cheese schmear, spread on two ww mini-bagels, from TJs, with sprouts of micro-greens on top.  Just today I changed to cream cheese from neufchatel, because the low-fat has me hungry again in three hours (I’m lazy and don’t want to have to think about what to eat all the time).  Other things that I eat are dry cereal (used to use chocolate soy milk, but now I eat it dry and crunchy like potato chips), fake bacon (going to drop this when supplies run out-maybe), and my new meal, a dollop of greek yogurt with a mini-banana, a few strawberries, and blueberriesif I have them, and triticale flakes.  Unlike Dannon or Yoplait, this is not pre-sweetened yogurt, thus all the fruit to make it edible.  Those strange grain flakes are also not sweetened, though they look like granola, they taste bland.  I also just switched from sugar in my coffee to Splenda, though I think I’m going to switch back, it seems to make me anxious when my stomach is empty.  Or else I could just eat some food with coffee, as opposed to an hour or two later, as I’ve been doing.

Lunch and dinner are interchangeable, depending on what I’m doing.   If I’m eating a big meal, I try to make it at lunch, and then I can just eat salad for dinner, maybe with an ear of corn or sweet potato (this is decided by hunger levels, not calorie counting).  Occasionally I’ll eat a hot dog w/onions on a sprouted whole grain bun, or a veggie burger w/onions and potato chips on a whole wheat bun.  I go out and buy the smallest bag of chips I can find, which used to be 1 serving but is now 2.5.  I put as many as will fit on the burger, and inhale the rest.  (Potato chips are the only thing I think of when people discuss trigger foods)  I eat a veggie burrito once a week (used to be a lot more often when I lived in SF), and that will keep me full for at least 8 hours, easy and cheap.  I don’t mind this at all, my blood sugar is stable (exercise?)  and if I liked being that stuffed, I would eat huge meals more often.  Whole wheat tortilla, brown rice, cheese,whole beans, piles of salsa-not so bad, just big.  I make pizza sauce from tomato paste and garlic and herbs, and put it on whole wheat pitas, with broccoli and roasted peppers and onions and mushrooms and pepperoni.  I shred hot pepper jack cheese and mozzerella once every month or two and store it in the freezer, use it for this and the omelettes.  I always have this in the house, but if I want cheese to munch, there is none.  The bacon I also make 6-8 pieces at once, store in the freezer, take out one slice at a time.  Cooking and the single woman, gotta make shortcuts, ya know?

I also try to keep leftovers.  Tomorrow I make macaroni casserole, and I’ve already sauteed maitake mushrooms, roasted zucchini, eggplant, sweet red chilis.  Tomorrow I’ll add a can of tomato paste and a large can of crushed tomatoes, maybe some mirin, herbs, make some sauce.  I’ll add some cheese mix, also ricotta, and mix it with whole wheat macaroni.  It seems most people try to cut pasta out of their lives, and I could see the potential problem with overeating this dish, except for the whole wheat macaroni, which will ensure that I don’t.  Also to be made later this week is cauliflower soup, which I have some purple cauliflower, purple potatoes, and I’ll add yogurt and herbs and chicken broth and wild rice and whatever else makes it taste okay.    Sugar?

I add sugar to a lot of my food, but I still think I eat less of it than anybody who eats processed food a lot.  A lot of food that I eat elsewhere is very sweet to me.  I rarely drink soda, usually just ginger ale on an airplane, maybe another time or two per year.  I don’t often eat cake, though on rare occasion I’ll split a slice of chocolate cake, or eat one or those mini-cupcakes.  I always have dark chocolate almonds in the house, and they often go rancid, even stored in fridge, because I forget them.  I eat a LOT of fruit, and lots of veggies, sometimes as salad, sometimes as crudites if I’m feeling lazy.  I make dressing from mustard, olive oil, hempseed oil, balsamic and white wine vinegar.  I steam kale or collards a few times/week, sprinkle with lemon juice.  I was mixing these greens, or broccoli, with some spicy tofu skin from my farmers market, but last time I bought it, it was nasty, so I’m taking a break.  Sometimes I make fish, stir-fry, curries, random other stuff.

I think most of my current eating habits are compromises from what I used to eat to what I have decided is healthy and what I need to do to lose/maintain my weight loss.  If I try to eat too healthy, I won’t like it, and will toss it and eat something much worse.  If I don’t put the bacon and cheese in my egg, I won’t stand the veggies and whole grain bread.   If I don’t put the pepperoni on my pizza, I won’t tolerate the veggies.  If I don’t put sugar in my pizza sauce/pasta sauce/soup, and it’s bitter, I won’t eat it, thus missing out on all those veggies.

I don’t have a perfect diet, but I consider it far better than the frozen fried chicken, canned soup, grilled cheese, and mozz/tomato sauce on an english muffin that I ate growing up.  I never ate with the family, as they always discussed my sister’s athletics, and I hated meat, which is what they usually ate.  No garlic, onion, spices, beans, fish, full-fat dairy in my childhood home.   We did eat produce, at least.  I think I’ve come a long way.

Some of this may seem kind of heavy for a weight losing middle aged woman, but I keep my metabolism somewhat jacked up, between exercise and cigarettes.  Plus, only half my genetics are working against me, as my mom is one of those freaks who eats junk food all day and doesn’t gain.  Not so my dad.  I got big from bingeing, dieting, and general overeating.  Even when I wasn’t eating disordered, I still ate too much.  Now I can eat anything, and if it’s heavy, I eat less.  I’m really liking this intuitive eating stuff, as it makes the food bit comfortable, as opposed to the batshit crazy it’s always been until quite recently.   Best of all, I think it’s sustainable, meaning I can do this the rest of my life, not temporarily.

I think I’ve figured out why I’ve been on a plateau, and how to break it.   Oddly enough, I came across it not even thinking about weight, just my state of mind.  I recently moved across the bay about 1.5 months ago, joined a new (expensive) gym, as the chain gym to which I belong has a really substandard branch nearby.  The classes are weak, here.  They’re slow.  The yoga is okay, cardio is tame.  When I woke up yesterday morning, I was feeling grouchy and restless.  I needed something to burn away all the “piss and vinegar” that I was feeling, so I drove over the bay, went to a kickboxing class that makes me feel better, and yoga, since I spent $4 on bridge toll, I’d better make it worth it.  I worked harder in that class than I do in three here, my whole body/mind feels it, and I’m still tired today.  I’ll likely even take the day off from the gym, just walk.

Now my theory, that I need this more intense workout, to burn my increasingly stubborn fat, needs to be tested with the scale, but I think it will work.  If nothing else, it certainly improves my mood.  I’m going to quit my new gym, and use the $60/month to drive across 2x week, Wednesday evenings (step, body sculpt) and Sunday (kickboxing and either yoga or this other intriguing looking class called willpower & grace, which looks to be a mix of dance and calisthenics).  I especially like the step class, I crave it and enjoy it like I used to enjoy drugs I no longer do.  Instead of the tapping and stepping we do at the class here, we fly over the bench.  I’ll still go to the crappy branch here, to fill in the gaps, and that’s where I weigh myself.  I have around 8 pounds until I’m no longer “overweight”, going to try to get there by my 41st b-day, in December.

Vacation was fun, eating wasn’t too difficult.  I managed to get in plenty of veggies and fruits, some that I bought, some from the food bank.  I ate out about half of the time, deciding after day 1 that I would try to avoid deep fried (after quesing out over fish and chips-my second time eating fries).  I have gained 2 pounds in the last month, between moving, quitting smoking, and vacation.  Maybe more, maybe less, it’s hard to tell as I lost scale continuity by moving.  Two scales across two days gave me 159, so that’s where I’ll call it.  I am trying to go to 148, which is where I’m technically not overweight anymore (by BMI).  Yes, I know BMI is not great, but I gotta pick some arbitrary number, so why not?

I’m starting a class in green chemistry today.  It sounds interesting, though the timing is unfortunate.  Saturday mornings are when I get up and drive to SF at 7 am, go to the farmers market, step class, body sculpt class, veggie burrito (brown rice of course), and whatever else I have to do.  I have a huge pile of mail at my last apartment, need to try to visit the landlord, have a beer in his yard, smooch on his rottie dog.

Speaking of beer, I don’t think I’m giving alcohol enough credit in my lack of losing weight.  Though I know better, somehow I don’t account for it, or really compensate foodwise for how much I drink.  Which was a bunch on vacation, not a whole lot at home.  But I also rode a crappy old 10-speed for about 5 hours/daily, including locking up for some hikes.  But realistically, I can take an oerall look back on my diet, and as it starts going up in starch and cheese, weight loss stops/reverses.  I think it’s mostly because that means I’m eating out a lot, which means I’m eating less vegetables, bigger portions, less whole grainy, more alcohol.  But I’m back, and tomorrow morning I can finally get to the farmers market, restock my fruits and veggies.  Hooray!

I started smoking again.  Made it to the second to last day of vacation, then folded.  I’ll try again in a week or two.  Shit.

I’m off on vacation later today, which is always stressful. I’m staying at somebody’s house, I don’t know what the kitchen will be like, don’t know if the bed will be comfy, don’t know if there’ll be coffee there, or if I’ll have to go out for it every morning.   I don’t know if the kitchen will be usable, or I’ll have to eat out every meal (or most of them).  Very expensive and fattening if I need to do that.     However, it is Seattle (Vashon Island), not MS or TX, I’ll just do the best I can.  I will have all day every day to bike around and explore, my favorite activity.  It should be fun, I’m being a poo-head by being inconvenienced by it.

I tried again yesterday to numb by eating.  I think this is nervousness about the trip.  I walked to the grocery to buy fried chicken and veggie lo mein.  The lo mein looked nasty, I’ve got two week old broccoli that looks better than that.  But what the hell am I criticizing the veggies for, veggies have no business in my little mini-binge.  Sigh.  I thought about how the chicken would sit like a greasy rock in my stomach.  I thought about how stupid it was to spend money on crappy food when I have good expensive produce that’s going to rot in the fridge.  Especially since I’m headed off to have little control over my eating, in which case veggies get more difficult to come by.  I cursed every bad word I knew (silently), dejectedly left the store (empty-handed), walked home.   I felt extremely irritated, watched tv for an hour or two, then got up and went to Body Sculpt.  I can live without serious cardio if I’m walking and biking everywhere, but this was my last chance for muscle work.   This all feels very frustrating, obviously I am wanting the feeling that a binge used to give me, that somehow I can’t get anymore, and maybe somewhere in the back of my mind, I am still aware that I don’t want to get fat again, and still have more to lose.   So I eat fruit, feel badly, try to get an escape through exercise.    Exercise takes the edge off, but isn’t quite what I want.  I can no longer get what I want, which is numbness and escape from discomfort, now I just miserably face right into it and whimper the whole time.  I hope to be happy and well adjusted some day.

Here’s an interesting link about your brain on weight loss maintenance, determined by fMRI.  I think this reaction can be learned behavior, hell I’m learning it right now (grumpily).

And another, by an ED Recovery doctor who struggled with her own disorders, now runs an ED clinic, on normal eating (the podcast at the bottom).

Hope everyone has a good week, I don’t think I’m going to bring my computer, so if I go on-line, it’ll just be 10 minutes to check email.

I feel like eating.  I feel powerless.  I feel lazy.  I could make a turkey sandwich but the bread is in the freezer, needs to defrost 15 minutes before I can even cut it to put into toaster oven for 10 minutes.  That’s 30 minutes before I can eat, and I don’t really want a turkey sandwich.  I didn’t buy anything from the store on the way home because I’m too cheap and nothing jumps out at me.  I have given myself full on permission to eat whatever, and I can’t think of anything worth the effort.  It might have something to do with the fact that I’m still trying to lose weight, and eating when not hungry seems to cause me to gain weight. Usually that doesn’t occur to me at the time, but now I hear it whispering from the back of my mind.  The same voice that reminded me that my nic-fit would pass when I wavered on smoking, and told myself I could smoke in 10 minutes, if I still wanted.  I eat a peach.  I drink some water.  I rest.  I eat green beans, raw-yum.  I could make popcorn, but am too lazy.  I steam an ear of corn, but am too full from beans to finish it.  I want something salty, but if I can’t think of anything worthwhile, I’m not going to have it.   I give up on the idea of eating, and type this post.  I don’t think this is discipline, more that I’ve  just learned to tolerate distress and discomfort and accept that it will pass.  This is how I move on.  I eat a grapefruit, brush my teeth.  All that food was 170 calories, (almost too lazy, but got curious to check calorieking)  and I’m stuffed.   Still thinking of popcorn, hmmm.

I haven’t lost any weight since I quit smoking.  Maybe I should have waited 10 pounds?  Oh well, too late.  I’m not in the mood to worry about that, not many people lose weight while quitting smoking.  In another week, I’ll look into possibly tweaking something if scale hasn’t moved.  I’m going on vacation, to Seattle, to suffer through their heat wave, which will likely be hotter than the one we’re about to get.

***OK, I ended up eating some popcorn, then a chunk of watermelon, then a chocolate covered almond.  All total, this little non-meal that I wasn’t hungry for ran probably between 400 and 450 calories.  That’s getting significant, and stuff like this could easily explain why I’m not losing.  Even if it’s all high fiber goodness, it’s energy.  I’ll have to do a bit better to get this last 10 pounds off that I want off.