Why I’m writing this

Maybe I’ve got something to say, maybe it will be useful to somebody.  I’m trying to lose 50 pounds, and I’ve got 30 left to go.  I don’t do points, don’t do diet food, don’t make myself neurotic with guilt, am trying not to do anything that I’m not planning on doing the rest of my life.  Kinda radical for today’s ways.   I’m exercising a whole lot, since I’m currently unemployed (scary), and I’m eating less, practicing a modified intuitive eating.  I’m currently at 178, which puts me just short of obese, with a BMI of 29.9.  My highest weight was about 215, and about 3 years ago, I got to 150, which was just under the normal weight cutoff.  I hope to get back there again.

I keep hearing all this stuff about support being important, and this will have to be my support.  I’m not doing Weight Watchers, don’t want to count points, don’t want to weigh my food.  I absolutely don’t want to sit around and talk about being guilty about eating bad food, or virtuous for eating good food.  I do most of my own cooking, so calorie counts are hard to determine, so I won’t bother.  I can’t afford to eat at restaurants very often, and if I do eat out, it’s usually a burrito or something cheap.  These restaurants are not likely to give me calorie counts anytime soon.  I can generally tell by how full and/or tired the food makes me, but I figure it evens out.  If I eat a huge meal at 2 pm, I won’t get hungry again that day, will probably just eat a grapefruit for snack.

Honestly, I’m not as worried about the food as I am about my psychological state.  I spent a lot of my life bingeing, I don’t want to go there anymore.  I’m quite sure I would not have been overweight in the first place if I hadn’t started the diet/binge cycle, and I won’t go there again.  At this point, if I don’t eat outrageously, my weight stays the same.  If I exercise, it goes down slowly, and going down slowly it is. So that’s me.


2 Responses to “Why I’m writing this”

  1. June 28, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    OK, awesome. I’ve officially read through all your archives over the past few days after originally bumbling over from a comment you made on (I believe it was) “Oh She Glows.” Where you talked about your mom and sister ragging on you about weight until you screamed and broke stuff. Yeah. I’ve been in the same boat most of my life, until now actually (hovering at 140 from an average of 220), and I can relate to being pushed to end of my threadbare rope by my well-meaning family (emphasis on ‘mean’…). I can also relate to the obsessions you articulate so well in your blog. Diet and exercise and the struggle for a modicum of self-awareness, and thinking about same, has thrown up these debilitating roadblocks in my own life which seems like it is capable of being at least 80% more creative and awesome if I wasn’t bogged down and exhausting myself with this merry-go-round binge/recovery/maintenance/keeping-my-shit-together wolfshit.
    So long story short, liked your comment and had to come over and check out your site. Of all the weight battle sites I neurotically cruise yours is the best I’ve found for both witty readability and ringing true to my own experience. Respect knuckles.

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