I wouldn’t want anyone who’d want me

Valentine’s Day can make us singles feel bad.   I went to a bicycle party Friday night, where we put on red dots if we were looking for girls, yellow if looking for boys (normal assumptions don’t apply here).  I stood around for about 15 minutes, had one drink, and left.  There were some nice looking guys also looking awkward, but I don’t have the ability to go up and start conversations.  I’m used to being big enough to be invisible, or unwelcome to some extent.  I’m no longer that big, but still uncomfortable with this stuff, even when a guy is possibly checking me out.

Anyway, Valentine’s Day itself was fun, I made tuna poke and cream of winter vegetable soup (made with 1% instead of cream, still lots of butter)  for the ex, and it was yummy.   We’re good friends, and I enjoy his company, but often wonder if I have to stop spending time with him so that I move on, or I’ll move on and then stop spending time with him.   Probably the former, but I just don’t know how to start dating, or show interest.   It’s hard to think of myself as someone that anybody would want-unless there’s something wrong with them.  I need to figure this out better.

In other news, I broke my plateau.  After about a month at 170, I just dropped to 168.  I seem to do these little jumps after holding steady for a while.  I think I need to focus on social skills and esteem, if I just make sure to keep exercising,  and the mild food restriction that I do, I’ll still lose weight.  In 18 pounds, my BMI <25, and in the meantime, I’m going to try and learn to live a less isolating existence.

My car just got here!  That means I can get to the gym easier on weekdays, and go hiking if it ever stops raining.  Tonight I’ll probably go to yoga, since I can walk there, and I’ll walk the 2 miles each way to lunch, so I can have a grass fed bacon burger.   Due to the holiday, permits aren’t enforced today, so no parking hell until Wednesday night.

I miss my bicycle, wish the rain would let up a bit.  I know we need it and all, but day after day after day after day…


4 Responses to “I wouldn’t want anyone who’d want me”

  1. February 16, 2009 at 5:52 pm

    “It’s hard to think of myself as someone that anybody would want-unless there’s something wrong with them.” Banish that kind of thinking! It’s confidence that will help to get you to where you want to be- with the whole dating thing, fake confidence. It’ll turn into the real thing before you know it 🙂

    And congrats on breaking that plateau!

  2. February 17, 2009 at 7:15 am

    Ditto what Sagan said! Don’t bash yourself – work on trying to love yourself. Self confidence is sexier than anything else!

  3. February 17, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    orange dots if you swing both ways?

  4. February 19, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    Thanks Sagan and Sassy, in theory I know this, and have been told so before, but it’s hard to just develop confidence, especially for me since I tend to run towards depression.

    Emily: I hadn’t really thought of that, I guess they expected everyone to pick one or the other. Or if you didn’t want to confine yourself, I guess you could wear both? Being single sucks in this city for women.

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