This line from this ancient Smiths song says it perfectly: “I smoke because I’m hoping for an early death, and I need to cling to something”. I’m quitting smoking. It feels awful, and I’m not even talking physically. I’m at about 20% of normal caffeine, trying to stay just above headache threshold, otherwise I’m just miserable and unhappy. I’ve had enough problems with addictions to recognize this for what it is, and I’ve quit cigarettes before (for 7 years!), so I’m just going to hold tight and wait it out.
I know it’s worth it, but it is really showing my life right now to be worthless, hopeless, lonely, and pointless. Nobody has even asked how it’s going, except for one guy at work. I’ve told a bunch of people, guess I really have no friends. I’m just Miss Sadness tonight, don’t have the strength to go to the gym, or the ambition for a walk. I went for a huge hike the day I started this, 8.5 miles, 2200 foot elevation change, and I rushed (still almost 6 hours), because I had things to do that evening. I’ve been trying to figure out how many calories that would burn, and I think probably 2000, due to elevation change. It’s crazy to look up what people think, one guy thinks he burns 1000 cals/hour hiking. A guy teaching kickboxing at my gym approximated 1300 for the class. I had to call him on that, and he factored in the afterburn. Last I read, the afterburn for aerobic exercise like that would be about 10-15 calories, altogether, bringing the calories burned to 500? It’s not a hard class. People say all kinds of shit, and who knows who’s right?
Anyway, I’m getting irritated, which possibly means I’m waking up, so I’m going to go take a sample now.
***********OK, update: 20 layoffs tomorrow at my company. Cute co-worker just gave me the gossip. This will be 20%. My dept is only four. Scary scary.