All those things many of us wait to do until we lose the weight? I think it’s getting to be about that time. I’m within 10 pounds of “normal weight”, and my life is glaringly empty of anything else. Where is my social life? Why don’t I [ever] have a significant other? I used to have a lot of friends, most of them have disappeared, either moved or gotten tired of my one-track life. Maybe some bitterness that comes from being a fat woman in a fat phobic somewhat misogynist culture didn’t help.
Anyway, whatever happened, I’m lonely and bored. The job situation is not looking up, I did an interview last week, doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. I keep getting called about these shitty temp jobs that pay about half of what I used to earn. I don’t mind earning a little less, but to have busted my ass to get a chemistry degree to make just a few dollars more than someone doing data entry or filing? That’s just insulting. I may have to bite eventually, but I’m going to hold out a little longer. I can’t afford to be picky forever, but I don’t want to screw myself over by getting into a low paying position that I’ll hate and be overqualified for. It just doesn’t look good on the resume to go backwards.
I’m going to start watching social interactions, especially of people I like, and stop watching eating habits. I’ve learned the food thing already. Since I’m not going to change my lifestyle in 10 pounds, or 15, or wherever I end up, maintenance mode for me is apparently going to be mostly psychological. Expanding my horizons, and all that crap. I would like a more well-rounded life. I’m in a rut. While it’s very nice to be losing weight, it’s slow and thus not all that exciting, and there’s got to be more to life.
Maybe I need to find the cajones to buy a plane ticket to New Zealand or Croatia or ??? and just go for a few weeks, just to shake things up, get a new perspective.
I’ve always had such high expectations about what life would be like if I lost weight, and they were just false hopes. I’m the same depressed, shy loner that I grew into with my rising weight. I’m not automatically an extrovert or an optomist just because I weigh 60+ pounds less than my top weight. No matter what anybody says, people smile at me more and ignore me less, which is nice, but sometimes makes me more uncomfortable as I’m not used to it and don’t always know how to react.
Anyway, this post isn’t really about food or weight loss, just how narrow and single-focused my life has become. This magical personality shift that was supposed to happen to make me a well-rounded, actualized human being instead of a miserable binger hasn’t happened, and I don’t expect it to.
Rereading this post, it looks like I have some psychological work to do, no? Yuck. I had to do a bunch of this to stop bingeing in the first place, and it’s painful hair-raising stuff, at least for me. I’ll just wallow on the couch in self- pity instead.
Ooh, just got an email about a job! It’s a nice day for a bike ride, maybe I’ll go lose that last 10 pounds before I think about changing the whole way my brain works. Hope everybody had a good holiday weekend (if you’re in the US).