27
May
09

So when is it time to start my life?

All those things many of us wait to do until we lose the weight?  I think it’s getting to be about that time.  I’m within 10 pounds of  “normal weight”, and my life is glaringly empty of anything else.  Where is my social life?  Why don’t I [ever] have a significant other?  I used to have a lot of friends, most of them have disappeared, either moved or gotten tired of my one-track life.  Maybe some bitterness that comes from being a fat woman in a fat phobic somewhat misogynist culture didn’t help.

Anyway, whatever happened, I’m lonely and bored.  The job situation is not looking up, I did an interview last week, doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.  I keep getting called about these shitty temp jobs that pay about half of what I used to earn.  I don’t mind earning a little less, but to have busted my ass to get a chemistry degree to make just a few dollars more than someone doing data entry or filing?  That’s just insulting.  I may have to bite eventually, but I’m going to hold out a little longer.  I can’t afford to be picky forever, but I don’t want to screw myself over by getting into a low paying position that I’ll hate and be overqualified for.  It just doesn’t look good on the resume to go backwards.

I’m going to start watching social interactions, especially of people I like, and stop watching eating habits.  I’ve learned the food thing already.  Since I’m not going to change my lifestyle in 10 pounds, or 15, or wherever I end up, maintenance mode for me is apparently going to be mostly psychological.  Expanding my horizons, and all that crap.  I would like a more well-rounded life.  I’m in a rut.  While it’s very nice to be losing weight, it’s slow and thus not all that exciting, and there’s got to be more to life.

Maybe I need to find the cajones to buy a plane ticket to New Zealand or Croatia or ??? and just go for a few weeks, just to shake things up, get a new perspective.

I’ve always had such high expectations about what life would be like if I lost weight, and they were just false hopes.  I’m the same depressed, shy loner that I grew into with my rising weight.  I’m not automatically an extrovert or an optomist just because I weigh 60+ pounds less than my top weight.   No matter what anybody says, people smile at me more and ignore me less, which is nice, but sometimes makes me more uncomfortable as I’m not used to it and don’t always know how to react.

Anyway, this post isn’t really about food or weight loss, just how narrow and single-focused my life has become.  This magical personality shift that was supposed to happen to make me a well-rounded, actualized human being instead of a miserable binger hasn’t happened, and I don’t expect it to.

Rereading this post, it looks like I have some psychological work to do, no?  Yuck.  I had to do a bunch of this to stop bingeing in the first place, and it’s painful hair-raising stuff, at least for me.  I’ll just wallow on the couch in self- pity instead.

Ooh, just got an email about a job!  It’s a nice day for a bike ride, maybe I’ll go lose that last 10 pounds before I think about changing the whole way my brain works.    Hope everybody had a good holiday weekend (if you’re in the US).

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10 Responses to “So when is it time to start my life?”


  1. May 27, 2009 at 10:13 am

    Hey Julie, I was doing a bit of weight loss blog-hopping and found my way here. You touched on some stuff here that I’ve actually been going through a lot in my own personal journaling as of late.

    I’m still some seventy pounds or so from being “normal weight” (but fortunately a ways down from the 440 pound high water mark) but am finding that there’s a whole host of mental/social aspects of myself that are changing and I would like to change as I get healthy and thin. And I often find that I teeter-totter between the new Will’s Hell yeah, I’ve lost 130 pounds and life is going to be awesome once I get healthy, whooohaaaa mentality and the old Will’s What’s the point, things will never change, I might as well resign myself to all of this approach to life.

    But I guess all this means for me, and for a lot of us in the weight loss / life change gig is that as hard as we have worked to lose weight or get healthy, that we’ll have to apply just as much mental effort in becoming a better person in the social arena. It’s work that I’m finding is well worth it.

    Will
    4xlt.WillPhillips.org

  2. May 27, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    I hear Croatia’s beautiful this time of year… New Zealand is of course always beautiful!

    I think I understand what you’re saying. And maybe a change of scenery is not such a bad idea. Thinking of you!

  3. May 27, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    I really understand what you are saying & I think you do need to make your life more well rounded. I really understand the “I still feel the same even though I lost the weight” thing. We often think that we are going to feel better about ourselves or do great things once we lose that weight .. BUT, if there is emotional baggage there & left over, that needs to be cleared up. Here I blab on but I have yet to clear up some of mine & I lost my weight years ago. And yes, I still see that fat person in the mirror at times. I did a post about self worth today & a follow will come tomorrow. Really made me think. Check it out. I hope you are able to get past all this & I so applaud you on your weight loss challenge & accomplishment. Hey, a trip somewhere would be great! Why not.. maybe get a different perspective!!

    Keep trying & don’t give up. I have not & I have plenty of complexes too!

    PS: The job market sucks so don’t take that personally!

  4. May 27, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    I hear you. When I was taking my long anticipated jet ski ride last week, a couple passed me riding tandem on their jet ski. Both man and woman were as round as they could be…and having the time of their lives. I realized then that I never should have waited until maintenance to start DOING things.

    There IS leftover baggage to deal with, but I think you have a healthy head start in that you’re casting about for ways to change it.

    Fingers crossed on the job!

  5. May 27, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    life is so complicated. things will turn around. I don’t have much of a great social life either…you have us on here.

  6. May 27, 2009 at 6:32 pm

    yeah.. we’re a bunch of supportive, bloggin’ people out here, and even though our paths may never cross in the “real world”, you definitely have the love and support of those online!!

  7. May 31, 2009 at 10:58 am

    Whoever said life happens while we are making other plans was pretty spot on!

    You go girl!!

  8. May 31, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    First time here. I really like what you are saying.

    cheers

  9. May 31, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    You will pretty much always be yourself. Being thinner doesn’t make your personality different, it just makes your body thinner. For me, it meant having the same old me, but no eating to smooth everything out. Food for me was like marijuana is for some people–it made all the rough edges smooth. Now, I just have rough edges to deal with. It sucks sometimes.

    Think of new things to do, or try at least one new thing a week, maybe, that you didn’t try before. Try to stretch yourself in some way that makes you a little scared, but pushes you more to where you want to go. Good luck.

    • June 3, 2009 at 10:47 am

      Yes, smooths the rough edges. Food, weed, cigarettes, alcohol, whatever works. I’m slowly removing the rough edge smoothers, and it’s uncomfortable. I’m definitely having to spend a lot of time doing things that are somewhat uncomfortable. Makes total sense, thanks for commenting, and putting all so clearly!


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