Not thin enough yet

I have a birthday party to go to tonight, one of the ex’s best friends.  When we broke up three years ago, his friends dropped me like I had the plague.  This particular friend, however, either didn’t get the memo, or doesn’t care.    As a result, I’m not psyched to go and spend time with them.    From the evite, it doesn’t look like they’ll be any single guys to flirt with.  And I don’t know if I want to watch others flirt with the ex.  Aside-we’re exes in name only, we spend a LOT of time together (I doubt this is healthy for either of us), which none of them know, with the exception of the birthday boy.

In some ways, I feel like I should force myself to go, if only so that the only words I say to another person today aren’t  “Could I sign up for kickboxing please?”   It’s not far, I could bike there in about 20-30 minutes, or take a bus, or even drive (it’s early enough that parking might be possible).  I’d probably bike there, so I could justify that going would be some more exercise.  I’m thinner than I was last time I saw these folks, which is a plus.  But my clothes are all too big, and I have nothing nice to wear.  I can easily use this as a reason not to do anything until I lose that last 12 pounds and can fit my remaining skinny clothes that I haven’t dug out yet.  (This is a good reason to keep your skinny clothes-in case you’re unemployed and can’t afford to buy new ones).   This is very tempting, but maybe not so healthy, either.

Truth be told, I’m mostly in a crappy mood and can’t imagine I would enjoy myself, or force myself to be friendly and social.   I’d probably just sit in a corner, eat if there was food, drink (I know there’ll be that), and glare at people.  OK, not glare, but I don’t know if I can get up the inspiration to get my butt off the couch and go.    I’m not sure I want to even bother to see what fits me.  Maybe next time the thrift store has a sale, I’ll have to buy some clothes that fit well.  I know conventional wisdom says I’ll feel better about myself, and I think that’s true.  But even that won’t make me social and outgoing.

So, this post isn’t really relevant to food or weight loss, just my psychological struggles with forcing myself, kicking and screaming, to join the world.   I feel mildly better just writing this out, and in a few hours, when it’s time, I will find something that’s hopefully not too frumpy, that I can bike in, put on my gloves and winter coat, and I will at least go and have a drink.  Hell, if nothing else, it’s 45 minutes of biking round trip, not too steep, and I know I feel better when I talk to people, whether I like it or not.

**Update:  I found some pants that are nicer than baggy blue jeans-they are tight in the waist, baggy in the legs, and a bit too short.  I’m wearing boots, I know it’s after Memorial Day, but it’s anything but summery around here.  I’ll skip the thermals though, have to hope the bike ride warms me up.  I’m only commiting as far as the bike ride (I’ll have to unbutton the pants), and I may just turn around and come home.  But free food, free drinks?  I’ll probably stay a bit.  Wish me a fun time!

***The party was fine, I stayed about 2 hours, had some wine, some shrimp, some chocolate covered strawberries, some birthday cake.  The winter coat is an exaggeration, it’s really just a warm sweater and a windbreaker.   It’s a good 10-15 degrees warmer here now than it is in the winter, though it’s less sunny.