Sometimes depression overwhelms me and takes over my life.  This would be one of those times.  I’ve given up on the idea of quitting cigarettes, it was making me suicidal, and decided to quit smoking weed instead.  That has almost as much of an emotional impact, but no physical component to the addiction.  I know that theoretically this is illegal, maybe not really where I live, so I try not to talk about it too much.  I think it has an impact of every aspect of my life, especially as it enables me to tolerate bad situations because I can become numb enough to be indifferent.  It makes me more likely to be a hermit and a loner, less motivated to get work, a real relationship, clean my apartment, take care of myself.  I don’t think you can be a daily user of a mood altering substance and be fully partaking in life.  Not that I’m up for full involvement, I think for a few days I’ll just feel awful (par for the course of any addiction), start cleaning my apartment, figuring out what to do with my life.  I don’t think I’m happy in this town, thinking of returning to where I grew up.  Who knows, maybe I’ll feel different when I start to normalize again.  Sorry this post sucks so badly, but I’m in no mood.  The one saving grace is that I have no appetite and only eat when my hunger gets too strong, but I still go to the gym, to try to break this mood.  It will work eventually.  It’s funny, I can actually feel the bad mood lifting, my body chemistry changing, after a few hours at the gym.  I guess it must be chemical, and chemicals get broken down.  I don’t know how it works really, don’t fucking care right now.

Yesterday I went on a 9 mile hike.  That’s really too long, but I really wanted to go to this park.  There are three trails, and I took one up, and the short (2 mile) trail down is unpleasantly steep, so I took the 5 mile trail down.  It doesn’t hurt, but is uncomfortable and annoying.  I don’t know how those mountain bikers do it, they’re insane.   I met a bobcat on the path, he probably thought I was a tasty bunny, but when he saw me he took off quickly.  No picture of him.  The leftovers creeped me out, but gives me hope that whoever ate Bambi isn’t hungry anymore, and is napping somewhere.

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11 Responses to “Censored”

  1. June 16, 2009 at 8:10 pm

    I kind of feel you on the weed smoking thing. My husband and I smoked it for 90 days straight in 2007… not only did I gain fifty pounds in 90 days ( I know that is not part of what you struggle with), but I ended up in outpatient treatment because it took me pretty low on the efficiency scale. Like from average depression to non-functioning depression. Not that this happens to everyone, or even you, but it did change me to a low to lowest kind of point. I am extremely liberal in my view on weed smoking- but I do think that it should be used recreationally… just because of my own experience.

    I feel terribly for you, and I know that you are going to have to work out some kind of personal compromise with how you are going to quit/not quit.

    This might sound completely corny, but feel free to reach out for some support and email me if you need to- losingwaist@yahoo.com. I have had a pretty extensive trip through the mental health field, and all of therapy’s glorious aspects… so I have some resources…

  2. 2 Jo
    June 16, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    Work on giving up the pot. That’s very important because of the mind altering aspect. Don’t worry about the cigarettes for now, just focus on that. (Yeah, that said by a cigarette addict. Enabling, anyone? Seriously, though.)

    That exercising is amazing, isn’t it? Wonderful how it changes chemicals. I don’t know how it does it. I was starting to have a anxiety attack one day and started a DVD. By the time I was done working out, anxiety was all gone.

    Sorry you’re having a rough time.

  3. June 17, 2009 at 5:18 am

    Sorry you’re feeling so low. Sounds like you’re doing the right things, though, to pick yourself up. BTW, I have nothing against the odd toke (as long as it’s “odd”) though I personally haven’t smoked weed in a loooong time (probably before you were born! lol).

    I thought you might like to know that I just published a post where I link to one of your posts from a few days back on intuitive eating. Your post really helped to get me out of a funk. Hope I can do the same for you!



  4. June 17, 2009 at 6:14 am

    keep your chin up. one good thing is recognizing a lot of what’s going on. next it’s time to step back and create your “battle plan”. we all gotta find what works for US, not what seems to work for others. take it one day at a time darlin! *hugs* hope you cheer up!

  5. June 17, 2009 at 6:28 am

    So glad I found your post. I can SO RELATE! We should email!

  6. June 17, 2009 at 9:03 am

    Feel better! You saw a bobcat? That’s really cool. Going for a long hike like that would be so nice.

  7. June 17, 2009 at 4:32 pm

    Being active with depression is a good plan. You must keep your momentum. I’m very glad you did that hike. Take a walk every morning if you can. You will get past this!

  8. June 18, 2009 at 6:12 am

    Thanks for stopping by my site and leaving such a thoughtful post. I think you are right that exercise is key in helping us manage our obsessions and compulsions. For me, peace has come through the practice of yoga where I was taught to just keep with the practice and trust that what needed to leave my life eventually would without struggle. After more than a decade, I’ve learned this to be true. A great book on the topic of compulsions is called The Gift of Our Compulsions by Mary O’Malley.

  9. June 18, 2009 at 12:44 pm

    I agree with Dr. J. Being active and healthy is a good way to kick a lot of negative feelings and thoughts.

    I just read a study that found that people who exercise regurally are happier then those who do not by over 60%. Big number.

    Working out with a partner would also be a good idea as you can help support yourselves in fitness and beyond.

  10. June 22, 2009 at 11:08 am

    i’ve heard that smoking (cigarettes, that is) is THE hardest thing to give up. good luck if you do decide to quit or moderate.

    exercise sounds like a great way to help with depression. kudos to you — i am so lazy.

    re; meds. so many people don’t want to take them. i didn’t for many, many years. but when i finally decided to try an anti-depressant (just try, that is. i knew i could stop at any time), it made a huge and positive difference.

    my mood is stable. i get out of bed, don’t cry over EVERYTHING, can let some things roll off me… also, i have no side effects. i haven’t gained weight, i’m not walking around in a daze, i’m not constipated… it’s not a miracle cure, but it really helps me.

    taking meds is such a personal choice, and i respect everyone’s choice. yet, it can give such relief. hope this doesn’t sound bossy or like a tirade.

    hope the depression continues to lift. depression sucks.

  11. June 29, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    omg the pic of the dead deer is so creepy i would hate to have came accross that while hiking i think i would have freaked lol

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