Honesty sucks.

I’m getting settled in, sort of.  It’s a tiny place, difficult to get organized.  Last night I went out with two girlfriends to see some music, my new friend from the city, and an old friend from this side of the bay.  Even though the bridge is only 10 miles long, most rarely cross, especially city dwellers.  My friend from this side had WLS a few years back, and I feel for her, and the malnutrtion and other problems that she was telling me how she is contending with.   She is also interested in learning to backpack, so we are going to try that, maybe just hike in a mile or two, then camp.    As two formerly fat women, we can relate on lots of things, though our lifestyles today are very different.    I eat to lose weight, she eats to increase absorption of things that are hard for her to assimilate.  Likely, we’re both used to eating a bit differently than most of our friends, but neither of us are really uptight or rigid in our eating, and as long as I’m not expected to eat a ton of meat, and have access to veggies, I’m usually content to go with the flow.

A big lesson in life:  if you don’t want the answer, don’t ask.  My friend was telling me how when his sister and her fiance split, she had a new man in two days.  She’s 48, and hasn’t gone a week without getting laid in 30+ years.  I realize she’s cute, but I’m no dog, and I never get any.  K, my friend, says I look better than I have in all the time he’s known me, but I’m still not a catch for most men.  Still too chubby.  And also, no bubbly, warm, vivacious personality.  Big sigh.   I appreciate his honestly, I really hate being lied to, even if the truth is painful.   I asked, because I wanted to know.  I think I can lose a little more weight, as many of my skinny clothes are still too small, but I don’t think I’m going to lose a whole lot.   I’m unwilling to give up my rare dessert or ice cream cone, can’t realistically exercise too much more, though I could drink a bit less.    Maybe some of those treats should be more rare than they are.  Moving was stressful, I know I’ve been drinking too much, but now I’m done, though not very well settled.   Judging by the clothes that still don’t fit, though my weight is the same as when they did fit, I need to build some muscles, change my body, forget the numbers.    I haven’t been cooking much, though it’s time to start, now that my kitchen is unpacked.  That may help some.  I still haven’t joined the gym on this side, am resisting for some reason, I think I need to take the day off, go for a long slow hike in some beautiful woods, and reset after a hellish week.


13 Responses to “Honesty sucks.”

  1. August 20, 2009 at 9:24 am

    Some “still time” might be just what you need. You’ve had so much change going on, and at times that can be overwhelming enough to knock our normal defenses off-kilter.

    Wishing you peace and serenity in your new home!

  2. August 20, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    Total bummer.

    I can only echo Cammy and wish you health, happiness and inner peace in your new home.

    For what it’s worth, you’ve got lots of people in cyberspace who think you’re great!

  3. August 20, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    You sound…sad. I wish you weren’t.

  4. August 21, 2009 at 3:52 am

    It’s not all about the weight. I know lots of fat women who get laid regularly. Honestly, I think vibes have something to do with it. It helps to be upbeat and fun. And you know what? I lost a ton of weight, and the thing that attracted men more was growing my hair. I swear, once I grew the hair, guys hit on me a lot more. Go figure.

  5. August 21, 2009 at 11:35 am

    All I have to say about honesty is that it can motivate you or depress you, but it shouldn’t change you. If you meet a guy 10 pounds lighter and fall in love and then slowly gain back those 10 pounds and you are still in love with each other, the weight gain means nothing [well, nothing to the relationship, but maybe to you]. There are lots of guys out there. My friend calls them chubby chasers. Men who like curves. Broaden your search area. I once changed my hair color to blonde because I thought all my blonde friends had better busier and better social lives than I did. Then I started meeting the men who wanted to date blonde women. I was back to brunette in a month. Good luck!

  6. August 21, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    It’s not just about the weight, I’m sure of that. You do sound sad. My wish for you is that you will have all of your dreams come true, both physically and relationally.

    Take care!

  7. August 23, 2009 at 3:49 am

    I don’t know if getting laid every week is as good as it sounds. I used to aspire to that, and I had to sacrifice who I was to accomplish it. I am NOT all fun and excitement, but I sure acted like I was. I also had to lower my standards… NO GOOD. My sense of humor is strange, I am too pushy/bossy/driven- I like these things NOW, but couldn’t connect with them THEN. Boy, now that I AM connected with them I am not getting laid much- AND I AM MARRIED. HAHA! I would rather be myself than what someone else “likes” to get laid.

  8. August 24, 2009 at 6:45 am

    Sending good thoughts your way! Hope you have a better week this week!

  9. August 25, 2009 at 6:54 am

    Thanks everyone. I’m feeling a bit better. Just a mini-freakout, I guess. I’m a little off balance with no scale, but will make friends with one at the gym. I’ve been told many times before that it’s my attitude that keeps me from getting into healthy relationships, and I am trying to work on it. I’ve lived in crappy neighborhoods so long that I am all but unapproachable. I need to ease up a little, but not enough that I get panhandled all the time.

  10. August 25, 2009 at 11:07 am

    Hi Julie!

    Have you been to Mt. Tamalpais? That’s a fun and easy place to hike around.

    I suggest, not that you asked, to participate in some activities, or go to more places where you may meet people. Take a leisure class at a local college, or whatever. If you join a fitness center, join a big one where they will have all kinds of classes ans stuff. That will improve your social life I am sure! Then you will have the second life tragedy, getting what you want 🙂

  11. August 25, 2009 at 9:44 pm

    I’ve been in that position plenty of times when I was single… I’ve found later in life it was more about my confidence and having fun. I had no problem “meeting” people when I was not really looking but rather having fun.

    Anyway – thats my (hopefully) sage advice for today. 🙂

  12. August 27, 2009 at 4:25 am

    Dr J- I love Mt. Tam, though it does run thick with tourists often. I may go there today, or maybe Pt. Reyes, haven’t been able to hike for a month due to moving.

    John – I do need, and am sort of actually really doing it- changing my attitude. It’s working okay, maybe I’ll blog about it some time.

  13. September 2, 2009 at 6:27 am

    I was 150 lbs. when I met my husband. I’m now 70 lbs more than that. It’s not about weight, it’s about chemistry and who you meet. Plus, I’m not bubbly, I’m quite the opposite.

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