yoga and cigarettes (part 848)

I did some weird pose today where I leaned my knees into my elbows and balanced on my hands. As in I was holding myself up, on just my hands, and balancing. I was stunned, to say the least, especially since I only tried it on a whim. Also surprised that I could do tree pose, putting actual foot on my inner thigh, not my calf. I don’t think I’ve magically gotten more flexible, I just think there’s less flab in the way of everything. My balance still isn’t wonderful, but I’m working on it.

Still frustrated with the scale, I weighed today, and I’m now up 10 pounds in the last week and a half. I went downstairs to a different scale, that says I’m up 6. It’s still disturbing to me not to have the comfort of the number on the scale. I don’t think I’ve gained 6, or even 10 pounds, don’t think I’ve gained at all. But I can’t be sure.

Oh, and I quit cigarettes again. Today is day 6, and I no longer feel like nails screeching down a blackboard. I am feeling very very sad, but I have done this enough to recognize this as a psychological trap. “Why bother, ciggs are my best friend, at least they make me feel good, nobody cares if I live or die anyway”. That one usually gets me in the end. I really need to remain vigilant long enough for this to become habit, so I don’t waver and give in. Usually alcohol induced, so I’m not drinking for a month, with the exception being if I’m some place where I have to walk more than 15 minutes to find tobacco, because I’m too lazy for that.   I wouldn’t be surprised if I lose weight just from that, usually when my weight loss stalls there is drinking involved.  And the food that goes with drinking-kind of like cigarettes, it doesn’t seem like a bad idea at the time, and would taste/feel good.    At least with food, if I slip my inhibitions and eat when I’m nowhere near hungry, just because it would taste really good, I can eat less/exercise more for a few days, and accept that it slows down weight loss, but if I slip and have a smoke, the game’s over.  I’ve tried it many different times, but something in the nature of the physical addiction won’t let me play that way.  I just can’t cross that line.  Of course,  if I’m not smoking, I won’t have that extra little burst to the metabolism so maybe I’ll have to have fewer slips with the food as well.

I’m tired of blogging, weight loss, thinking about weight loss, reading about weight loss, everything about it.  I miss my nicotine.  As physical symptoms wane, emotional slips get riskier, must beware psychological traps and the ambush that wants to happen, and dangerously awaits its chance.


11 Responses to “yoga and cigarettes (part 848)”

  1. September 2, 2009 at 8:58 am

    You will think about smoking for a long time. It will most likely, remain hard to resist. Every day is your choice. I don’t know if it will ever get easier, but the rewards will grow with time. Keep you eyes on that prise, and you will not only make it, but be so proud of yourself.

    PS I’m tired of blogging about weight also 🙂

  2. September 2, 2009 at 9:50 am

    I’ve never been a smoker, so all I can say is that I so admire you for working through this. I do think I had a food addiction, and as time went by it did get easier to make good choices.

    As it becomes more and more part of your life, I hope that it will be a distant memory rather than something that it right there in front of you all the time.

  3. September 2, 2009 at 10:50 am

    good luck with all of it!!!

  4. September 2, 2009 at 1:21 pm

    We used to call that weird pose a teddy bear stand in elementary school! That’s awesome that you can do that pose. I don’t think I’ve successfully managed it since the sixth grade.

    Stuff always “feels good at the time”. Sighs.

  5. September 2, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    The best of luck to you on this. While losing weight will, beyond a shadow of a doubt, contribute to a healthy you, so will forever leaving cigarettes behind. I sincerely wish you the best.

  6. September 3, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    I’m so happy I don’t smoke anymore, but I cried the day I decided to quit. So hard. Best friend, companion, etc. Stay with it, that’s all I can tell you. You’ll feel so much better, smell so much better, taste so much better [probaly in all the ways your thinking], and so on. I know we’ve never met, but trust me. About your new yoga body. Great. I too have done Bakasana [the frog pose]. It was so hard until I finally figured out the balancing part. I love tree pose. Next step, spread your arms above your head, lean back and close your eyes. Let me know what happens. Good luck with everything and for #%&* go out and buy a doctor’s scale or one you can depend on.

  7. September 4, 2009 at 11:08 am

    i feel the same way about thinking about food, worrying about weight, writing about food, discussing food, staring at the scale…

    i’m so, so sick of it. i can’t stand it anymore, but you know — i still do it.

    good luck. i’ve stopped drugs and alcohol. i’m working on smoking. IT IS SUCH HARD WORK.

  8. September 5, 2009 at 4:31 am

    I so admire smokers who quit–I’ve seen from friends and relatives that it can take many attempts and hard work, but they all say it gets easier eventually and it is SO worth it.

    And as to “nobody cares if I live or die anyway,” you gotta know that isn’t true. Hope you find the strength to hang in there and reap the rewards you deserve: a healthy body and clear lungs and freedom from addiction.

  9. 9 RA
    September 9, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    You know, I have never looked at your site as a weight loss blog, although the title kind of hints at it. You’re much more interesting as a person than as your weight. If that makes any kind of sense. I like reading about your life, where you go, the farmer’s market, the crazy people…it’s all interesting. I really enjoy your writing. Good luck with day 7 and every day after that. Peace!

  10. September 27, 2009 at 3:48 am

    I think you made some good points in your post.

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