I did some weird pose today where I leaned my knees into my elbows and balanced on my hands. As in I was holding myself up, on just my hands, and balancing. I was stunned, to say the least, especially since I only tried it on a whim. Also surprised that I could do tree pose, putting actual foot on my inner thigh, not my calf. I don’t think I’ve magically gotten more flexible, I just think there’s less flab in the way of everything. My balance still isn’t wonderful, but I’m working on it.
Still frustrated with the scale, I weighed today, and I’m now up 10 pounds in the last week and a half. I went downstairs to a different scale, that says I’m up 6. It’s still disturbing to me not to have the comfort of the number on the scale. I don’t think I’ve gained 6, or even 10 pounds, don’t think I’ve gained at all. But I can’t be sure.
Oh, and I quit cigarettes again. Today is day 6, and I no longer feel like nails screeching down a blackboard. I am feeling very very sad, but I have done this enough to recognize this as a psychological trap. “Why bother, ciggs are my best friend, at least they make me feel good, nobody cares if I live or die anyway”. That one usually gets me in the end. I really need to remain vigilant long enough for this to become habit, so I don’t waver and give in. Usually alcohol induced, so I’m not drinking for a month, with the exception being if I’m some place where I have to walk more than 15 minutes to find tobacco, because I’m too lazy for that. I wouldn’t be surprised if I lose weight just from that, usually when my weight loss stalls there is drinking involved. And the food that goes with drinking-kind of like cigarettes, it doesn’t seem like a bad idea at the time, and would taste/feel good. At least with food, if I slip my inhibitions and eat when I’m nowhere near hungry, just because it would taste really good, I can eat less/exercise more for a few days, and accept that it slows down weight loss, but if I slip and have a smoke, the game’s over. I’ve tried it many different times, but something in the nature of the physical addiction won’t let me play that way. I just can’t cross that line. Of course, if I’m not smoking, I won’t have that extra little burst to the metabolism so maybe I’ll have to have fewer slips with the food as well.
I’m tired of blogging, weight loss, thinking about weight loss, reading about weight loss, everything about it. I miss my nicotine. As physical symptoms wane, emotional slips get riskier, must beware psychological traps and the ambush that wants to happen, and dangerously awaits its chance.