Training the brain

I’m off on vacation later today, which is always stressful. I’m staying at somebody’s house, I don’t know what the kitchen will be like, don’t know if the bed will be comfy, don’t know if there’ll be coffee there, or if I’ll have to go out for it every morning.   I don’t know if the kitchen will be usable, or I’ll have to eat out every meal (or most of them).  Very expensive and fattening if I need to do that.     However, it is Seattle (Vashon Island), not MS or TX, I’ll just do the best I can.  I will have all day every day to bike around and explore, my favorite activity.  It should be fun, I’m being a poo-head by being inconvenienced by it.

I tried again yesterday to numb by eating.  I think this is nervousness about the trip.  I walked to the grocery to buy fried chicken and veggie lo mein.  The lo mein looked nasty, I’ve got two week old broccoli that looks better than that.  But what the hell am I criticizing the veggies for, veggies have no business in my little mini-binge.  Sigh.  I thought about how the chicken would sit like a greasy rock in my stomach.  I thought about how stupid it was to spend money on crappy food when I have good expensive produce that’s going to rot in the fridge.  Especially since I’m headed off to have little control over my eating, in which case veggies get more difficult to come by.  I cursed every bad word I knew (silently), dejectedly left the store (empty-handed), walked home.   I felt extremely irritated, watched tv for an hour or two, then got up and went to Body Sculpt.  I can live without serious cardio if I’m walking and biking everywhere, but this was my last chance for muscle work.   This all feels very frustrating, obviously I am wanting the feeling that a binge used to give me, that somehow I can’t get anymore, and maybe somewhere in the back of my mind, I am still aware that I don’t want to get fat again, and still have more to lose.   So I eat fruit, feel badly, try to get an escape through exercise.    Exercise takes the edge off, but isn’t quite what I want.  I can no longer get what I want, which is numbness and escape from discomfort, now I just miserably face right into it and whimper the whole time.  I hope to be happy and well adjusted some day.

Here’s an interesting link about your brain on weight loss maintenance, determined by fMRI.  I think this reaction can be learned behavior, hell I’m learning it right now (grumpily).

And another, by an ED Recovery doctor who struggled with her own disorders, now runs an ED clinic, on normal eating (the podcast at the bottom).

Hope everyone has a good week, I don’t think I’m going to bring my computer, so if I go on-line, it’ll just be 10 minutes to check email.


9 Responses to “Training the brain”

  1. September 22, 2009 at 10:41 am

    As i sit hear eating cheese doodles, I can say that I totally understand everything you wrote!!

  2. 2 chubrubb
    September 22, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    Have fun on your vacation! Hope you don’t stress out too much 🙂

  3. September 22, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    Julie, I hope you have a great vacation and that all your worries don’t come to pass. Enjoy yourself!

  4. September 23, 2009 at 4:06 am

    Don’t stress over the vacation! It will all be good. Have a great, great time!

  5. 5 Amy
    September 23, 2009 at 6:14 am

    Have a great time on your vacation! Sounds like fun, and I can’t wait to hear how it all went when you return.:-)
    And I totally understand the pre-vacation stress eating. Happens to me too. Arrgh.

  6. September 23, 2009 at 7:53 am

    have fun on your vacation, and just don’t make food the focus of it! get out there and have a great time!!

  7. 7 antonia
    September 24, 2009 at 5:55 am

    Hey thanks for stopping by my blog the other day 🙂 I really relate to what you said about needing something to replace bingeing to fill that emotional void. Its a strange sort of craving isn’t it? Never really a physical hunger for food, but a hunger for something nonetheless.

    Anyway, I hope you have a good vacation, stress free! 🙂

  8. September 25, 2009 at 11:06 am

    Glass half full buddy 🙂 Perspective is so very important! Seriously, is it just because it’s a blog, or are you very depressed? If it’s the latter, please get some help with that. Just a doctor who cares.

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