I’m off on vacation later today, which is always stressful. I’m staying at somebody’s house, I don’t know what the kitchen will be like, don’t know if the bed will be comfy, don’t know if there’ll be coffee there, or if I’ll have to go out for it every morning. I don’t know if the kitchen will be usable, or I’ll have to eat out every meal (or most of them). Very expensive and fattening if I need to do that. However, it is Seattle (Vashon Island), not MS or TX, I’ll just do the best I can. I will have all day every day to bike around and explore, my favorite activity. It should be fun, I’m being a poo-head by being inconvenienced by it.
I tried again yesterday to numb by eating. I think this is nervousness about the trip. I walked to the grocery to buy fried chicken and veggie lo mein. The lo mein looked nasty, I’ve got two week old broccoli that looks better than that. But what the hell am I criticizing the veggies for, veggies have no business in my little mini-binge. Sigh. I thought about how the chicken would sit like a greasy rock in my stomach. I thought about how stupid it was to spend money on crappy food when I have good expensive produce that’s going to rot in the fridge. Especially since I’m headed off to have little control over my eating, in which case veggies get more difficult to come by. I cursed every bad word I knew (silently), dejectedly left the store (empty-handed), walked home. I felt extremely irritated, watched tv for an hour or two, then got up and went to Body Sculpt. I can live without serious cardio if I’m walking and biking everywhere, but this was my last chance for muscle work. This all feels very frustrating, obviously I am wanting the feeling that a binge used to give me, that somehow I can’t get anymore, and maybe somewhere in the back of my mind, I am still aware that I don’t want to get fat again, and still have more to lose. So I eat fruit, feel badly, try to get an escape through exercise. Exercise takes the edge off, but isn’t quite what I want. I can no longer get what I want, which is numbness and escape from discomfort, now I just miserably face right into it and whimper the whole time. I hope to be happy and well adjusted some day.
Here’s an interesting link about your brain on weight loss maintenance, determined by fMRI. I think this reaction can be learned behavior, hell I’m learning it right now (grumpily).
And another, by an ED Recovery doctor who struggled with her own disorders, now runs an ED clinic, on normal eating (the podcast at the bottom).
Hope everyone has a good week, I don’t think I’m going to bring my computer, so if I go on-line, it’ll just be 10 minutes to check email.