Well, almost. I had been in the terrible habit of buying things that I hoped I would fit into some day, back in the days when I was working and could afford thrift store and garage store prices. These were hopeful, sizes 10 – 14, as opposed to the 16+ I was wearing. As I came into the size 14s, I realized what a bad idea buying clothes I couldn’t try on really was. Half of these fit funny, and I stopped buying clothes altogether. For about the last 6 months, I’ve just been wearing what I grow (shrink?) into. Everything I’ve ever bought now fits, though some will need a few less pounds on me to be comfortable. Most I don’t like, and even at thrift store/garage sale prices, it’s a lot of money wasted, not to mention taking up valuable room, and moving houses once or twice or more. I’m glad I have so many clothes left at this size, I must have spent a few years here in the past. If I lose more than another 5 pounds, these will start to be baggy, and I’ll have to consider clothes shopping, which is still traumatizing to me, even though I’m very easy to fit now. My Halloween costume is a size M, little disco roller blade outfit thingie, a bit risque. I’ll wear tights under it, so I don’t flash my ass to the world, and don’t freeze, as I’ll be on bicycle. I am thrilled that it fits, I had my fingers crossed, though I’ll put it int the category of better with 5 less pounds. My gym clothes are getting baggy, after 45 pounds I’m surprised it took so long. Maybe garage sales and flea markets are right for me right now, though I still can’t try things on. At least if something is $1-$2, not $8 (or $80), I don’t mind so much. I think clothes shopping will always cause mild terror in me, likely due to how my mom always used that opportunity to humiliate me about weight, but I’m just going to let that go by.
I’m in a funk, not quite like other depressions from my past, but just unmotivated, indifferent, bored. I can’t get myself to put any energy into looking for work, and haven’t been able to find out what’s going on with my unemployment. My social life is improving slightly. I’m exercising a lot, but am dissatisfied with the classes here, so it’s not giving me the endorphins or whatever it is I’m really seeking (the truth comes out!) 🙂 . The bridge to the city is broken and it’s too tough to get there to do better, not to mention that it’s expensive. I’m going to try a Latin Dance class this morning, I’d prefer Zumba and Body Sculpt this afternoon, but I think I have company coming for a day or two. “Nice to see you, friend from CT, I’m off to the gym, see you in a few hours! There’s the fridge, if you’re hungry!” Not that I’m not tempted, but I try to avoid being like that. Maybe I’ll just go for a local hike, instead, try to think some shit through.
I went for a short hike with two friends Tuesday. J mentioned and was happy for a friend who lost 80 pounds “the old fashioned way”. Then she asked how much I’ve lost, as I’m doing that too. I’ve been 60 pounds heavier, though that was long ago (probably when I first met her). About the same size of the other woman with us, more or less. We were talking about the insanity of the diet industry, and crappy food and obsession. I mentioned that I used to be obsessed and self-righteous about it, and J reminded me that I had not liked her decision to do weight loss surgery. I didn’t remember that until she mentioned it, but I apologized, said I’ve grown up a lot since then, and am not so judgmental anymore. I should probably explain myself to her more when I get a chance. Some people are just genetically fucked. These two women are much more comfortable with the weight they are (or were) then I have ever been, or likely will be, at any weight. I feel like such damaged goods, I feel like I’ve spent my life obsessing about my weight, and now that my weight is almost “normal”, I need to back off, psychologically speaking. I’ll still have to exercise a bunch and not overeat, but that doesn’t need my full attention, just the effort to continue, and the scale to keep me on track.
I need a focus in life besides my weight. I’m thinking of turning my cable off, no tv means I’ll likely leave the house more, isolate less, which would be a great start. I still need to get interested in something, but I have to find that, and I won’t find that in my tiny apt.