I’m starting to mourn how much of my life has been spent on the quest for thinness. When I die, they can put on my grave “finally lost the weight”. Very sad. And I’m not even there yet, I’m 1-4 pounds overweight, depending on the day. I’m calling it close enough, I’m tired of fighting this battle, tired of dedicating so much mental energy to it. Tired tired tired.
Anyway, to celebrate almost losing the weight, I quit smoking (again). It’s been almost a week, and as always, it’s kind of sucked. The first few days, I go to the woods, where it’s quiet, I don’t have to be around anyone, there’s no ciggies, and I walk for hours. I saw a bobcat, wasn’t quick enough to get a shot of his face, but got a good look, an okay picture. I manipulate caffeine, weed, and exercise in hopes of not crawling out of my skin, being able to sleep at night. I sleep about 3-4 hours/night, and this gets old very fast. I exercise as much as I can, without endangering my ability to do this the next day. Even on low caffeine, I am restless, hyper, uncomfortable.
Anyway, I’m about over it now. Sleeping 5-6 hours every night, hopefully this won’t go on much longer. I wonder how much of a coincidence it is that I quit when I lost enough weight, even if I maintain now, I’d be okay. Not thrilled, but okay. I recognize that some of the indulgences that I allowed myself, as an active smoker, now need to be cut back. I’ve heard that nicotine ups your metabolism about 10%, so that’s 200 calories or so that I no longer have as wiggle room.
One of my favorite meals, that I used to eat very often when fat, and still eat too often, is egg/bacon/cheese on a bagel. I seem to remember last time when I regained weight quickly, I would often be eating these almost every day, usually on a croissant. Now it’s just Saturday mornings, because I go three hours to the gym (step, strength training, yoga), and also when I stay at a friend’s place, so that’s already almost 2x/week. This last week, because I cut myself a break out of convenience and bad nerves, I’ve eaten it around 4 times. On Saturdays, if I eat cream cheese on a bagel instead, I’m violently hungry by the time I’m 2/3 through the gym, though that was when I was a smoker, I’m going to try it again. Because of the timing with my farmers market, I always shop first, then quick food/coffee at a cafe, then go to the gym, and it’s very hectic and I like to be able to eat enough to make it through. It really does seem like I eat some very heavy food. The last friend who commented on my fat bastard breakfast when we were going hiking, had just cream cheese and tomato on her bagel, but then she stopped for a donut (!!!!!) along the way there. I’m not going to begrudge anyone their donut, but don’t act like you’re Ms. Holier-than-thou Healthy Eater. I know this trick, my mom is the queen. No mom, though it’s true that you don’t eat fat and sugar with your meal, but those three ice cream sandwiches before bed do count too.
So onto an alternative, which may end up being the same thing without bacon, or smoked fish, or who knows. At home, once or twice a week, I make a one-egg, one bacon, mushroom, greens, and cheese omelette on a piece of 9-grain toast. I just bought humanely raised naturally cured bacon, made in small batches, given a massage with happy ending daily. OK, sorry, I’m sort of out of my mind here, vicious mood due to no sleep. Consider yourselves lucky I haven’t visited your blogs much recently.
I’ve really tightened up on food in other ways in the last week. Because I will be much happier with quitting smoking if I don’t gain weight, even happier if I lose it, I’ve been only eating when hungry, except for breakfast. Difficult, because both my appetite and metabolism are sluggish, and if I eat said bagel at 8 am, it will be 3 pm before I start wondering if maybe I’m hungry. Or maybe I should eat anyway, though I can’t tell. I have mixed feelings about this, as a dieter, it seems crazy to make myself eat if I’m not even sure if I’m hungry, but it seems risky and stupid not to, since I don’t want to risk bingeing, and want to stay as stable and sane as possible. In the end, I think the most reasonable thing to do is to eat smaller, lighter meals, and while not forcing myself to eat on schedule, I’m trying to eat close to what I’m used to, at reasonable times. Eating is anything but intuitive right now, but I’m going to continue to eat anyway. If the idea of eating really grosses me out, I don’t force it, but if it’s been many hours, and I “should” be hungry, then I eat, at least a little.
And while I’m bitching anyway, how about a big “fuck you” to 24-hour fitness, for shortchanging the equipment in the Group-X rooms of the two Oakland gyms. I’ve been in crowded classes in their San Francisco (lighter, wealthier) gyms that will run out, but 90% of people will have enough. These two gyms are truly lacking, even in the basics. I hate this gym, I wish it wasn’t so cheap and I could afford a real gym.