How nice of some of my friends to tell me how fat and disgusting I used to be. OK, maybe not exact words, but I’m kinda stunned and a bit hurt to hear some of this stuff. The first I actually heard a while back, when I was whining about never getting laid. He now considers me acceptable, as his perceived cutoff limit is 20 pounds overweight, and I am within that range. I’m only down about 10 pounds since writing that post when I was still unacceptable, but as I get closer, the weight changes are small, body changes are bigger. I don’t know what my excuse is now, I’m still not getting any. Apparently, there something besides weight going on. Dammit, I was afraid of that, and I’ve suspected it for a while, though hoping it wasn’t true. Damn damn damn. Never mind.
And then, there’s the ex-boyfriend. He says he’s not really attracted to skinny women, though I’ve never known him to date anyone as big as I was. He had a brief fling with a very large woman friend of his who was between girlfriends, but otherwise he’s into mildly chubby. I don’t remember the context, but he said I should have no trouble dating, as I’m cute now. Now that I’ve lost the weight. Sigh. I suppose I appreciate that he never claimed to not be attracted to me when I was big, but it’s weird to find out that he was lying the whole time. A little big, but not too big. I’m disturbed and irritated by this, not quite exactly sure why. I’ll get over it, soon, maybe I’m just moody. He quotes to me Bernie Mac “Hey black women-stop messing with your hair. Hey white women- stop losing all that weight!”
As for that guy who thought I was good looking even at a higher weight, he just disappeared. I thought the proper way to do this would be to disappear after he got me into bed, not before. I don’t understand, but I’m not going to pursue him. If he’s that dysfunctional, just as well. Or maybe he just didn’t like my company in general. I don’t know, though I’m disappointed. Though maybe now that I don’t go everywhere with the ex, maybe I’ll meet someone else soon. Or try internet dating. Or figure out why I’m so screwed up.
In other news, over 3 weeks off ciggies. I still have cravings, and then there’s the really nasty psychological part of the addiction. This tells me that life isn’t worth living, the only thing that’s consistent and will make me feel better is a smoke. I ignore this, but it is still very upsetting. In theory, I feel I should be able to smoke occasionally, but reality shows that I just start again. Quitting is physically uncomfortable and hugely disruptive to my life, I can’t stand doing it over and over. So I ignore it, and I cry because I miss my cigarettes, but I don’t smoke. I had a drink or two a few times in the last week or two, but I don’t dare in this stage. Nor do I hang around with smokers. I smell it all the time, but am indifferent, it’s no worse than car exhaust, crappy weed, b.o., or crack, better than dog poop, human poop from someone with digestive issues and no bathroom, or that nasty ammonia reek of old stale pee-pee (not so common with all the rain). Oh Mission St, how I love thee-though you’re nasty.
I enjoyed a break from the rain, went to Pt. Reyes. These elk were a lot more disturbed by me than the bobcat was. That bobcat is probably used to ignoring people, it’s a lot more isolated on this end of the county.