Thanks. Please shut up now.

How nice of some of my friends to tell me how fat and disgusting I used to be.  OK, maybe not exact words, but I’m kinda stunned and a bit hurt to hear some of this stuff.    The first I actually heard a while back, when I was whining about never getting laid.  He now considers me acceptable, as his perceived cutoff limit is 20 pounds overweight, and I am within that range.  I’m only down about 10 pounds since writing that post when I was still unacceptable, but as I get closer, the weight changes are small, body changes are bigger.  I don’t know what my excuse is now, I’m still not getting any.  Apparently, there something besides weight going on.  Dammit, I was afraid of that, and I’ve suspected it for a while, though hoping it wasn’t true.  Damn damn damn. Never mind.

And then, there’s the ex-boyfriend.  He says he’s not really attracted to skinny women, though I’ve never known him to date anyone as big as I was.  He had a brief fling with a very large woman friend of his who was between girlfriends, but otherwise he’s into mildly chubby.   I don’t remember the context, but he said I should have no trouble dating, as I’m cute now.  Now that I’ve lost the weight.  Sigh.  I suppose I appreciate that he never claimed to not be attracted to me when I was big, but it’s weird to find out that he was lying the whole time.  A little big, but not too big.  I’m disturbed and irritated by this, not quite exactly sure why.  I’ll get over it, soon, maybe I’m just moody.  He quotes to me Bernie Mac “Hey black women-stop messing with your hair.  Hey white women- stop losing all that weight!”

As for that guy who thought I was good looking even at a higher weight, he just disappeared.  I thought the proper way to do this would be to disappear after he got me into bed, not before.  I don’t understand, but I’m not going to pursue him.  If he’s that dysfunctional, just as well.  Or maybe he just didn’t like my company in general.  I don’t know, though I’m disappointed.  Though maybe now that I don’t go everywhere with the ex, maybe I’ll meet someone else soon.  Or try internet dating.  Or figure out why I’m so screwed up.

In other news, over 3 weeks off ciggies.  I still have cravings, and then there’s the really nasty psychological part of the addiction.  This tells me that life isn’t worth living, the only thing that’s consistent and will make me feel better is a smoke.  I ignore this, but it is still very upsetting.  In theory, I feel I should be able to smoke occasionally, but reality shows that I just start again.  Quitting is physically uncomfortable and hugely disruptive to my life, I can’t stand doing it over and over.  So I ignore it, and I cry because I miss my cigarettes, but I don’t smoke.  I had a drink or two a few times in the last week or two, but I don’t dare in this stage.  Nor do I hang around with smokers.  I smell it all the time, but am indifferent, it’s no worse than car exhaust, crappy weed, b.o., or crack, better than dog poop, human poop from someone with digestive issues and no bathroom, or that nasty ammonia reek of old stale pee-pee (not so common with all the rain).    Oh Mission St, how I love thee-though you’re nasty.

I enjoyed a break from the rain, went to Pt. Reyes.  These elk were a lot more disturbed by me than the bobcat was.   That bobcat is probably used to ignoring people, it’s a lot more isolated on this end of the county.

limantour spit


19 Responses to “Thanks. Please shut up now.”

  1. February 3, 2010 at 2:17 am

    There will always be people who are horrified by overweight – or any other physical ‘feature’ that makes them look different from the accepted ‘normal’ – people and it looks as though you’ve run into your fair share of them!

    I’ve been very lucky that I’ve never had trouble getting a decent boyfriend, none of whom have specifically been into BBWs… I’m living with a wonderful man (we had a baby together March last year) who met me when I was big but not THAT big… I went on to gain a LOT of weight (mainly during my pregnancy) and I’m only just starting to lose it again. He’s never made me feel anything other than attractive and although he’d like to see me lose the weight, he tells me it’s to improve my self esteem and confidence (which hit an all-time low – I could barely leave the house!) and my health.

    I would have stern things to say to ‘friends’ who said to me what yours have said to you!

  2. February 3, 2010 at 3:24 am

    I’m not having any luck with the other side either and starting to think it wasn’t about the weight at all. It’s me. 😦 Oh well….

    I didn’t make it to Pt Reyes when I was there last fall. Next time, for sure.

  3. February 3, 2010 at 8:08 am

    i SO know where you’re coming from on the friend comments. my favorite is.. “let’s face it Cher.. you were HUGE!”

    um.. ok.. so basically don’t congratulate me on my weight loss, keep digging up my hurtful, painful past! cheers! thanks!!

    some people just can’t accept the “new you” and it’s apparent. people tell me to shrug it off, but it’s hard to.

  4. February 3, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    First, CONGRATS on your 3 weeks without smoking. I know it’s hard, but in three months you may wonder why you ever smoked in the first place. Time is the answer to everything. Now, about being big, fat, cute, not cute, etc. Did you think you were cute when you were fat?

  5. February 3, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Patsy – It sounds like you found yourself a good man. I can’t be mad at people for being honest with me, especially when I ask for it. That one friend is incapable of lying, so if I don’t want the truth, I’d better not ask. Some things don’t need to be volunteered, though.

    Cammy – I think at least part of it is a self-confidence thing, from years of being too big to be in the running. Very sad.

    Cher – Wow, I wonder if these people think they’re being helpful, or are just being resentful? As the ex says, “never attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance”, but sometimes, you gotta wonder….

    Bobbie – I quit for seven years, and 1.5 years before. I recognize the addiction, and won’t give (tired of quitting, not willing to remain a smoker). I never thought I was cute when I was fat, but it’s more like Cher says, it’s rubbing salt in old wounds.

  6. February 3, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    3 weeks, you’re doing great, Julie!

    It’s funny. There have been some points in my life when it seemed as though guys couldn’t keep their hands off of me, and other points in my life when it seemed as though I was the least attractive person to them that they’d ever met. The difference was never my weight or looks. The difference was how I felt about myself and how I portrayed myself to other people. I think that a big part of it all is really FEELING it, KNOWING that you’re cute and sexy and beautiful all rolled into one. It’s one thing to *try* to tell yourself that you are those things; it’s another thing to *own* it and *know* that you are.

    And, sometimes, even when we ARE open to it all, guys still for some weird reason just disappear like that without any real reasoning. There was one time when I had gone on a few dates with a guy, he was taking me out and buying me dinners and wine and was a perfect gentleman, and then quite abruptly he just… didn’t call. Sometimes you just get a dud. Better to figure that out early on than to get into a long term relationship and realize it later.

  7. February 4, 2010 at 2:57 am

    I think there is a tactful way of saying your weight may have affected the way the opposite sex perceived you and a tactless way. People can be honest with you without hurting you, or, at the very least, hurting you as little as possible.

    People who volunteer that a person ‘used to be huge’ as Cher mentioned, are probably acting on a long pent-up desire to make comments on your weight in the past. It doesn’t reflect well on them or their value as friends that they say such things as it means they probably talked behind your back and were judging you all along.

    I don’t think one has to be a bubbly type of woman to attract a mate, but I do think it is difficult to find men who are not more concerned with how your appearance reflects on them when they are with their buddies than with how attractive you actually are to them. It really is all about the man’s esteem and how his prize looks next to him when other men judge him. Not all men do this. Heaven knows my husband has never been this type, but a lot of the shallower ones do. Internet dating may actually be a good path to consider. It’s as much about finding a wider pool to fish in as anything else.

  8. February 4, 2010 at 11:55 am

    Congratulations on the 3 weeks!

    Also, what a douchebag comment to make (him, not you, obvs.). That is why I refuse to comment on someone’s weight, gain or loss. And I ask people not to talk about mine. Because even the COMPLIMENTS are kind of insulting: “You look great, now that you’ve lost weight!” Um . . . thanks, dickhead?

    *deep breath* Ok. I’ll stop. This is just a topis that pisses me off ROYALLY. Because I have been on both ends of it, having lost and having gained. ARGH.

  9. February 4, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    I too was surprised at what people said to me after I lost the weight. It was like they felt like it was okay to say their “real” feelings since I was no longer overweight. I still don’t understand that.

    Congratulations on your 3 weeks! You are doing a great job.

  10. February 5, 2010 at 6:54 am

    Sagan – I think you’re totally right. My energy and focus would be better applied to building myself some self-esteem, since the weight doesn’t need so much attention, on automatic now. And yes, as disappointing as it was, better to find out earlier than later.

    Screaming Fat Girl – One of the guys always did talk in front of my face, doesn’t understand tact, or the value of discretion. Honestly, I’m not in a relationship with him because I find him unattractive, among other things. I’m no angel, either, not by a long shot. We take our friends as we find them, and we hope they forgive/overlook our bad points. The ex-boyfriend just hurt because I thought he was attracted to me, regardless. I’m embarrassed to say I’m not on internet dating yet because I still think I look too fat in pictures. I have a problem.

    Marste – It’s complicated. I don’t mind people noticing, and asking, I just don’t like to hear about how gross I used to be.

    Diane – Human nature? I don’t understand either, but not sure I’m any better. Thanks!

  11. February 5, 2010 at 9:40 am

    It’s SO sad that when you’re chubby or overweight you never hear anything nice, expect maybe about your hair until you lose weight then they tell you how much better you look. It’s like when you and a guy breakup and everyone starts to tell you how much they hated him.

  12. February 6, 2010 at 4:21 am

    First of all, congrats on the three weeks of no smoking!! Keep it up. Once you get through all the nasty withdrawal stuff it is soooo worth it!
    Also, I know what you mean about the comments thing. I always hated any and all comments after I lost weight. Even the good ones. Because in the back of my mind I would hear the unspoken bits. “Wow! you look great!” (much better than that bloated cow look you were sporting for so many years.) I mean,if someone has gained a bunch of weight it’s not usually deemed ok to say “OMG. You’ve gained a ton of weight.” So why is it ok for the inverse to be spoken??

  13. 13 RA
    February 7, 2010 at 10:15 am

    Three weeks already? I’m sure the time hasn’t gone by that fast for you…but congrats nonetheless!

    The thing that always annoys me is that people remember me as fat. I will see them after a period of time has passed (6mo to a year) not have changed (at ALL) and they always say, “Wow, have you lost weight? You look great!” And I always say, “Nope, same as last time.” I lost 28 pounds 5 years ago…FIVE years and they still have me in their head as chubsters. Eh. Eff ’em.

    Someone else commented on it being in the attitude and self-esteem. I have to agree. My self-esteem plummeted when I started losing weight. Nothing was ever enough. Anyway, try the online dating thing. I’ve heard great stories. There are a lot of chumps out there, but after sorting through maybe you’ll find your match.

  14. February 7, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    how’s it going? i recently saw mel gibson quoted, he said that after five days of not smoking, he was seriously ready to kill someone.

    i have a lot of moments with not drinking. at certain times, i don’t even want to go out, just because i don’t feel so strong in my desire to be sober. hang in there. it’s doable.

    on the weight comment front. i can’t even begin. the things people say. surreal.

    hope you can believe in yourself.

    on the man front. i’ve always been really bold, because i never did get a lot of attention, no matter what i weighed. i’ve been hurt a lot, but it’s how i met my fiance.

    hope all’s well.

  15. February 7, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    Robin – Right. Everyone always liked my hair. Sometimes smile. Actually, that’s still all I hear, unless I count the crude comments when on my bike, which may be flattering in a twisted way, but sort of harassing (I’d sure like to take a turn as that bike seat!)

    Amy – I do have old acquaintances and relatives who definitely have told me that I’ve gained weight, or that I’m much bigger than last time they saw me. It’s not pleasant to hear, either, though it’s not like I can’t tell one way or the other.

    RA – I have friends who I see on a regular basis who forget that I’m not so big anymore. I sometimes have to remind them. Very odd.

    Ihatetoweight – Thanks for asking, I’m feeling much saner. I’m now comfortable hanging around my smoking friends, but I still wouldn’t drink around them. I used to be bold, being overweight killed that, as well as so many other things related to self-esteem. Quitting drinking seems really tough, unlike smoking, it’s social, acceptable, even expected. I used to not do it at all, and I got the third degree so much about it. Good for you for protecting your sobriety.

  16. February 8, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    That is so cool about quitting smoking. Well done.

    I don’t dwell on the men-thin-woman thing. It is a downer if I let it be. I was reading that Gene Tierney, the 40’s actress, went on a weight-loss diet and stayed on it for 25 years to be in Hollywood. 5’7″ and 117 pounds, which seems to be about average for professional beauties. I think the Michele Pfiefers and the Kate Beckinsales are beautiful, but so fragile looking. They look like they would snap if you hugged them. But guys seem to drop like flies for that look. Even my own, dear, tactful, morally progressive, kindly and loving Quaker-trained husband is more into me now that I’m thinner. And would probably be progressively more into me as I got thinner still, though there’s no way I’m going into Kate Beckinsale territory. On the other hand– plenty of fat women find wonderful husbands, though probably not through the personal ads, where slender seems to be pretty much a necessary baseline. So odd. I don’t know what that’s about.

  17. February 9, 2010 at 9:52 am

    Be careful what you ask for, Julie!!

    I went to Pt. Reyes the last time I was in San Fran! Didn’t see the great wildlife you did, but had a long hike in the dunes, and walked along the shoreline for a while. Finished off the day with dinner at Sam’s Anchor Café in Tiberon. That was a good day!

  18. February 9, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    I’m new to your blog! I love it! You write how you feel. I think that’s good. Good job on the weight loss. That’s incredible 🙂 It takes some getting used to being thinner because you are so used to buying a certain size, eating a certain thing, looking a certain way, and feeling a certain way. Having the weight off is a blessing though. Don’t worry about the guys. A guy who really loves you will love you no matter what and will push you to be the person YOU want to be. Good luck with trying to stop smoking! Thanks for sharing…great post!

    Jen 🙂

  19. February 9, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    Larkspur – I think your experience may be a bit different than mine, maybe I haven’t met too many men who like women stick thin, seems most like them a bit “fleshy”, which I think is just a little smaller than I am now. Or maybe it’s just the guys who are drawn to me. The personals absolutely show a preference for thin, and I’m not on them yet because I think I still look too fat in pictures. Maybe I need to get over that.

    Dr J – Marin is just gorgeous, isn’t it? Always a good day there. But would never want to live there.

    Jen – Glad you like my blog, yes, there’s a psychological hurdle I’m climbing here, but it’s not so bad. Better than the other way around, for sure.

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