19
Feb
10

Thoughts on reaching goal

I officially reached it in the last month, haven’t thought too much about it.  The goal moved, before I even got here.  So now I’m about 15 pounds from new goal.  At my current rate of  around 2 pounds/month, it’ll take over a year.  This is how it goes when you want to lose weight, but aren’t willing to restrict very much, it’s just slow.  I’m trying not to care at this point, I’m getting interested in other things, looking for job, trying to find my way dating after a long break, figuring out who I am and what I want to do.

My whole life I’ve been so obsessed with weight, and weight loss.  That’s all I’ve ever known, all I’ve ever been.  This is the first time since I hit adolescence that I’m not overweight, let alone obese.  Most of all, I mourn so many years spent obsessing and hating myself and my body, so that now I am a middle-aged woman whose biggest accomplishment is losing the weight.  Now I have to keep it off, and lose a bit more.  I’m not going to try to rush it now.

I am size 8, but I am keeping everything size 10 and smaller.  I hope that since I am not really a restrained eater, and mostly eat intuitively (or mindfully/normally), I will be able to roll with whatever life throws at me, and not regain much.  I haven’t binged in years, and don’t really overeat, nor undereat, very often.  I’m flexible in my eating in every regard, have no set anything.  Sometimes I eat two meals a day, sometimes 4 or more.  I’m not really scared of any food, not HFCS, MSG, gluten, dairy, saturated fat, white bread.  Some of these things I don’t eat very often, just because of the type of food that I eat, such as HFCS, trans fat.  I eat a lot because I exercise a lot, and I like it that way.  At this point, I’m only in the gym 2-3 days a week, I don’t think I’m overexercising.

I’ve quit smoking cigarettes, hardly think about them anymore.  I still smoke too much weed, will likely tackle that next, as soon as I decide what should be done about it.  Since most of the work I have left is mental/emotional, that’s really gotta go, at least habitual use.  It numbs me, so I feel little, don’t mind the emptiness of my existence as much.  Not sure where I’m going from here.

This is from a hike my neighbor and I did yesterday, to see some winter waterfalls.  Mt. Diablo, again, way out in the suburbs.

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14 Responses to “Thoughts on reaching goal”


  1. February 20, 2010 at 12:17 am

    It doesn’t matter what you do to maintain or continue to lose as long as you’re happy with what you’re doing and it works for you.

    Congratulations on reaching your initial goal, and good luck in the future. 🙂

  2. February 20, 2010 at 6:12 am

    Congrats. Not sure why you have to keep shifting ur goal down if ur not overweight… But obv it’s ur perogative.

  3. 3 N
    February 20, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Longtime lurker just popping in to tell you congratulations, Julie! You look wonderful. And keep writing! You’re funny and honest and you have a refreshingly astringent wit. I hope your internal (mind/feelings) work goes as steadily and productively as your outer (body/fitness) work has gone. I’m rooting for you!

  4. February 21, 2010 at 7:52 am

    Screaming Fat Girl – So true! I am happy with where I am, and what I’m doing physically. The psychological damage from years of ED and weight obsession (not really over) continue, and may be harder to overcome than the weight itself. Unfamiliar territory ahead.

    cggirl – I’m still heavy, but I am normal by BMI, which means I could buy health insurance, esp. now that I don’t smoke ciggies. As we all know, BMI isn’t for individuals, just for group stats, and I’m still too big.

    N – Thanks so much! I’m glad you enjoy my reading, and were inspired to delurk briefly!

  5. 5 Jonathan
    February 21, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Have just discovered your blog and have been enjoying reading back on some of your posts. Congratulations! Am not as far along in my weight-loss journey but feel a lot of common ground with you. Good luck in the coming months!

  6. February 22, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Excuse a comment on appearance, but YOU LOOK GREAT!! I’ve followed your blog for a while now, and at times wondered where you were heading with it all 🙂 Thanks for teaching me a thing or two, Julie!

    Roy, at Contemplative Fitness was kind enough to let me do a guest post at his site as the personnel problems at calorielab have keep my column in hiatus for the time being 😦
    Here is a link. http://contemplativefitness.wordpress.com/2010/02/21/fat-tuesday/#comments

  7. February 22, 2010 at 11:23 am

    I think that you are doing great with having reached a goal, then resetting, but at the same time enjoying life and your food. You obviously have found that balance of maintaining your weight for a while and then dropping some more. By the way – you look great!

  8. February 22, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    Julie, great post. You seem very calm and accepting. I wish I could get there more often. Good luck with your new goal, and perhaps you’ll find that since you are eating healthier and exercising more, you may want [want being the key word here, not have]to purge yourself of other unhealthy things, ie pot.

  9. February 22, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    I’m so happy for you. That’s great, Julie. I also love your attitude towards moving along with whatever life throws at you. I think that’s the healthy type of way to look at things… to give ourselves a bit of leeway. You never know what’s going to happen.

  10. February 23, 2010 at 7:06 am

    congratulations on such healthy thinking!!!!! you may feel you spent too long getting there, BUT few people EVER get there.

    if you want to re-set your goal, it IS your perogative, but i hope it doesn’t get in the way of enjoying where you are now.

    do you think you’ll always want to shift the goal down?

    are we ever enough? or not enough, as it so happens? really, that’s just me talking. i get frustrated with my own interest in my own weight.

    CONGRATS on the smoking. so, so, so difficult. great work!

  11. February 23, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    Jonathan – Thanks, and welcome!

    Dr J – I can’t imagine what I’ve taught you. Your comments always make me wonder about something or other.

    Diane – I’m not quite comfortable, a bit worried I won’t maintain. Few do, though you have.

    Bobbie – I think I’m going through that, this fixing my life is a continuum that I can’t predict even as I move along, I just go with flow. Screaming and kicking maybe, but I go.

    Sagan – Yes, I like the leeway. I rebel quickly, need flexibility to be effective.

    ihatetoweight – I suspect I’ll never be as thin as I think I should be, but since this is not uncomfortable yet, I’m going to continue. Even if I only occasionally eat burgers, beer, pizza, I’m never going to get that thin, my weight will stabilize eventually, and there I’ll be. Maybe it won’t be enough, but I’ll have to get used to it. Thanks re smoking, I’m glad it’s over, what hell.

  12. February 23, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    Congratulations! Sounds like we have a similar path.

  13. February 24, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    Em smoking yourself thin is not a good idea. Smoking is very bad for you healthwise and therefore stay away from it.

  14. March 1, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    Lori – I sure sounds like we’re in similar spots. Good luck!

    Half Your Weight – Thanks for visiting! I see you read as far as the blog name, we all gotta start somewhere.


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