I haven’t been posting much, not much happening on the weight loss front. The scale doesn’t move, and I have not been facing the world. In years past, now would have been binge time, but since I don’t binge anymore, I just feel lost. I don’t even have ciggies to comfort me, just nothing. It’s as if life is just passing me by, and I’m not participating. So here I am, forcing myself to face my blog, redo my resume, figure how to live my life.
I walked by a French cafe this afternoon. Everyone sitting drinking their coffee drinks, eating their pastries and cakes was thin. How does this make sense? I had a sudden overwhelming sadness that I will never be able to do that. Where are the fat people eating? Chinese Buffet? McDonalds? So then I ate a burger, fries (not chain). I’d been craving the burger for days, hadn’t had the chance. I looked at the menu book, this 3 oz burger (most are 4-8 oz) has ~350 kcal, fries ~250, ginger ale ~ 150. And ketchup. I just wanted the freaking burger, I got the rest for no reason. I think it’s a TOM thing. Next month I’m going to buy 4 ounces of cow something (I’ll have to ask the ex, I don’t know meat), and I’ll make myself a Vietnamese salad, it’ll be healthier and I’ll like it more. Then I bought an ice cream cone, licked it for a minute, threw it out. Definitely spinning, not in control.
I went to a talk on the precautionary principle tonight. Making Environmental Decisions in the face of Environmental Uncertainty. Green Chemistry, great stuff. Her philosophy for making purchasing decisions for SF is to check 3 things: Is it legal? Safe? Necessary? Yes, putting arsenic in wood climbing structures that will leach out slowly is perfectly legal. Safe? Likely both sides can provide evidence enough to confuse local government officials (politicians, not scientists). More data ALWAYS needed – look at climate change. Necessary? When one looks at the graph of how concentrations of flame retardants have risen exponentially in breast milk in Sweden, maybe it’s not so necessary. Maybe phthalates in kids chewy toys are not necessary, though the data isn’t in yet. Dry cleaning, cell phones, water-free urinals, sometimes I feel like modern living is all out assault.
Last week I went to the Green Chemistry focused nat’l meeting of American Chemistry Society. It took about an hour for me to lose interest in chemistry, go for food/agriculture. First talk on organic food. Hypothesis: Organic food is more nutritious than non-organic food. Results: Sometimes they are different when growing, same when ripe. Ripeness, soil conditions, weather seem to have more effect. The majority of studies show not much difference, or too hard to determine. A few show conventional being more nutritious (which may or may not mean healthier), a few more show organic more nutritious. Conclusion: The hypothesis remains a valid hypothesis, not proven one way or another. This is why I love chemists, but this is likely also why science seems so ambiguous. We are a non-committal bunch. “It is more likely than not that x is not y…”
The scary talks were on such things as endocrine disrupters and antidepressants, and how much is in our water, in our peregrine falcons (top of local marine food chain), toilet paper, especially the natural stuff. Everywhere. I don’t see any point of freaking out, and honestly, I’m not even surprised. I don’t wear make-up, lotions (except sunscreen), powders. I take very few pharmaceuticals. I don’t wear deodorant (not smelly, not even after gym, unless you stick your nose right under my armpit, which just isn’t done). I only deal with shampoo/conditioner because my hair is difficult and wants to dread. I don’t use other product. I don’t wear things that need dry-cleaning, am not going to keep my cell phone in my hip pocket anymore, will try not to eat much factory-farmed meat, eat my veggies. Hope I’m hedging my bets, but maybe individual actions aren’t enough. I’m not giving up toilet paper!
I ate a lot today. Not binge level, but I won’t be expecting to lose weight this week, either. I won’t gain, it’s not enough for that, at least not at my exercise level. I wish I could tighten up my eating and just lose another 5 -10 pounds, but I need to be calmer adn more careful about it, otherwise I just get frustrated, and feel sorry for myself, and spin my wheels,eating more, exercising more, tiring myself out, going nowhere.