wheels keep spinning

I haven’t been posting much, not much happening on the weight loss front. The scale doesn’t move, and I have not been facing the world. In years past, now would have been binge time, but since I don’t binge anymore, I just feel lost. I don’t even have ciggies to comfort me, just nothing.  It’s as if life is just passing me by, and I’m not participating.  So here I am, forcing myself to face my blog, redo my resume, figure how to live my life.

I walked by a French cafe this afternoon.  Everyone sitting drinking their coffee drinks, eating their pastries and cakes was thin.  How does this make sense?  I had a sudden overwhelming sadness that I will never be able to do that.  Where are the fat people eating?  Chinese Buffet?  McDonalds?  So then I ate a burger, fries (not chain).  I’d been craving the burger for days, hadn’t had the chance.  I looked at the menu book, this 3 oz burger (most are 4-8 oz)  has ~350 kcal, fries ~250, ginger ale ~ 150.  And ketchup.  I just wanted the freaking burger, I got the rest for no reason.  I think it’s a TOM thing.  Next month I’m going to buy 4 ounces of cow something (I’ll have to ask the ex, I don’t know meat), and I’ll make myself a Vietnamese salad, it’ll be healthier and I’ll like it more.  Then I bought an ice cream cone, licked it for a minute, threw it out.  Definitely spinning, not in control.

I went to a talk on the precautionary principle tonight.  Making Environmental Decisions in the face of Environmental Uncertainty.  Green Chemistry, great stuff.  Her philosophy for making purchasing decisions for SF is to check 3 things:  Is it legal?  Safe?  Necessary?  Yes, putting arsenic in wood climbing structures that will leach out slowly is perfectly legal.  Safe?   Likely both sides can provide evidence enough to confuse local government officials (politicians, not scientists).  More data ALWAYS needed – look at climate change.   Necessary?  When one looks at the graph of how concentrations of flame retardants have risen exponentially in breast milk in Sweden, maybe it’s not so necessary.  Maybe phthalates in kids chewy toys are not necessary, though the data isn’t in yet.  Dry cleaning, cell phones, water-free urinals, sometimes I feel like modern living is all out assault.

Last week I went to the Green Chemistry focused nat’l meeting of American Chemistry Society.    It took about an hour for me to lose interest in chemistry, go for food/agriculture.    First talk on organic food.  Hypothesis:  Organic food is more nutritious than non-organic food.    Results:    Sometimes they are different when growing, same when ripe.   Ripeness, soil conditions, weather seem to have more effect.   The majority of studies show not much difference, or too hard to determine.  A few show conventional being more nutritious (which may or may not mean healthier), a few more show organic more nutritious.  Conclusion:   The hypothesis remains a valid hypothesis, not proven one way or another.  This is why I love chemists, but this is likely also why science seems so ambiguous.  We are a non-committal bunch.  “It is more likely than not that x is not y…”

The scary talks were on such things as endocrine disrupters and antidepressants, and how much is in our water, in our peregrine falcons (top of local marine food chain), toilet paper, especially the natural stuff.  Everywhere.   I don’t see any point of freaking out, and honestly, I’m not even surprised.  I don’t wear make-up, lotions (except sunscreen), powders.  I take very few pharmaceuticals.  I don’t wear deodorant (not smelly, not even after gym, unless you stick your nose right under my armpit, which just isn’t done).  I only deal with shampoo/conditioner because my hair is difficult and wants to dread.  I don’t use other product.  I don’t wear things that need dry-cleaning, am not going to keep my cell phone in my hip pocket anymore, will try not to eat much factory-farmed meat, eat my veggies.  Hope I’m hedging my bets, but maybe individual actions aren’t enough.  I’m not giving up toilet paper!

I ate a lot today.  Not binge level, but I won’t be expecting to lose weight this week, either.   I won’t gain, it’s not enough for that, at least not at my exercise level.  I wish I could tighten up my eating and just lose another 5 -10 pounds, but I need to be calmer adn more careful about it, otherwise I just get frustrated, and feel sorry for myself, and spin my wheels,eating more, exercising more, tiring myself out, going nowhere.


Mendocino (mini-vacay with new guy)

Big Wheel race, Easter Sunday in SF

Big Wheel race, Easter Sunday, the real curviest SF street


12 Responses to “wheels keep spinning”

  1. April 7, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    I think that thin people eat their pastries and stay thin because they adjust the rest of the day or week to compensate. I used to think they must all have forgiving metabolisms, but I don’t think so anymore.

    I know how you feel about the emptiness, and feeling that life is passing you by. I have felt that way as of late as well. I think part of it is that food used to fill an emptiness, and now the food isn’t there. It’s difficult to find something else because food is easy, but it’s also not a real way to fill that hole. It’s not easy, and on bad days, it’s even harder. I imagine all of the negative stuff you heard about chemicals and organics wasn’t helping you much, but the truth is that there’s only so much we can do to avoid whatever is inevitable. We just do the best we can.

    • April 11, 2010 at 4:34 am

      They’ve probably never dieted, I’m surprised by how much of this stuff is psychologically driven. You’re right about the emptiness, I don’t have anything to fill the void, and it’s very uncomfortable sometimes, can make me really sad. Feelings are better than food, just not nearly as comforting.

  2. 3 RA
    April 8, 2010 at 5:32 am

    Now, did you observe the thin people eating pastries? Most likely they were more caught up in their conversation or their own observations to be devouring their food. They enjoy it…I would devour it. But, I’ll keep working on that. My March was crap so I’m checking back in. Good to see there is a new guy.

    I had to laugh at the non-committal remark about the chemists. 🙂 All interesting, I’m sure some terrifying facts. I agree on the TP, not giving it up. I’m surprised that there are some of those chemicals in such things. I cannot give up deodorant, can’t do it.

    • April 11, 2010 at 4:45 am

      I would devour it, too. Maybe that’ll always mark me as “previously-obese”, I’ll never join the comfortably normal-weighted crowd. As for the endocrine disrupters, huge class of compounds, inescapable, practically. All those cleaning solutions and household chemicals, with 99% inert ingredients, those ingredients may not be so inert. Stores/restaurants rinse the sidewalk with bleach/cleaners, rinse it straight to storm drain. It’s a toxic world, but our bodies are somewhat designed to deal with some of that. I’m not worried so much as sad for the future of most species, other than some insects and bacteria.

  3. April 8, 2010 at 7:28 am

    I think the pastery eaters don’t eat the whole thing. They take a few bites over an hour of chatting. Also, they don’t allow smoking in restaurants anymore, but I wonder how many of them smoke. You and I both know that a ciggy can take the place of food.

    I read an article that said that intense vigorous exercise cuts hunger, and anything else just stimulates hunger. I can attest to that. Maybe you need to ramp up your exercise. Shorten the time and increase the intensity.

    Good luck with everything.

    • April 11, 2010 at 4:51 am

      Really not a lot of smokers in Berkeley, hostile place for them. It hasn’t really been my experience that vigorous exercise cuts hunger, maybe the opposite, really. I’d be interested to read the study, but as of now, I am skeptical. Strangely, though I know it’s a myth, I can’t get away from the feeling that intense exercise is the only kind that burns fat. Good luck to you, too!

  4. April 8, 2010 at 11:45 am

    I call throwing out the ice cream after a few licks being totally in control. Don’t be so hard on yourself!

    As for thin people and pastries, I totally agree with RA: “Most likely they were more caught up in their conversation or their own observations to be devouring their food. They enjoy it…I would devour it.” Boy, am I with her on that!

    • April 11, 2010 at 4:56 am

      I felt so silly eating that ice cream. I was trying to figure out why I was buying it (cheap-$1) and eating it, and if I was even enjoying it, and all I could come up with was spite, maybe trying to punish myself, and worse of all, I was indifferent to the taste. I’m going to figure out the lesson here, and learn it. I looked again yesterday, and you and RA are correct, they sit there with partially eaten cake while they talk, read, type, etc.

  5. April 8, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    It’s interesting to read this because I have a post scheduled for tomorrow called What Makes Them Different? talking about whether or not there are differences between thin people and people who struggle.

    I’m sorry you are feeling down. I can’t promise you anything, but with all these years of maintenance behind me, I rarely feel the overwhelming call to eat junk all day long. The occasional chocolate or ice cream – yes – but it’s within control. Take care of yourself.

    • April 11, 2010 at 5:00 am

      The next day I was craving salad, veggies, even more. The silly thing was that I was just craving a little meat (too much gym?), and out of that 800 kcal, only ~150 was meat. Not a disaster, just a lesson in planning better and thinking ahead next time. I’m going to think about the thin people eating cake stuff more, and how they’re different. This is a lot to think about. Thanks, you take care too!

  6. April 15, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    You may be having a bit of a struggle in some areas, which I hope will pass, but your writing skills are growing all the time! Real artists always suffer some, it comes with the territory.

  7. April 18, 2010 at 7:25 am

    Thanks Dr. J! I think what makes or breaks us in this world is how we deal with strife, and likely tossing that ice cream was a huge favor to myself, if for no other reason than breaking a destructive cycle. I haven’t heard of lobster oil, but sounds expensive, kinda nasty. Not that shrimp paste isn’t nasty, but it makes things tasty.

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