My current lifestyle doesn’t seem to support any more weight loss. Whatever. My weight is fine, for now. That makes me queasy to write that, and of course I don’t believe it, but for the sake of my sanity, will force myself to drop it for now. Most of my pants are size 6-8. I can’t get my BMI to stay below 25, but I’m backing off for now. I still feel very fat. I look in the mirror, I occasionally look okay, but usually I look huge. The last time I said to NG something about how gross my tummy was, he looked very sad, and asked if I really believed that. I hate that I can’t stop speaking this shit, and I hate even more that I can’t stop thinking this way.
I went to a talk on happiness tonight. Sciency, of course, I love science, have no use for New Age. Happiness, in her opinion (from Cal Center for Greater Good or something like that) is something that doesn’t come naturally, but must be worked on, like muscle (or losing a fat ass). I can’t remember the terms she used, but kids (and everyone else, too) can be greatly influenced by the way they are told they are capable of a task. Kids that are told “you did this well, you must be really smart”, do worse in the long run, are less happy, etc., than kids told “you did this well, you must have worked really hard”. I don’t really have a point here, just a lot to think about.
All those things that were supposed to be better once I lost the weight, where are they? I guess I’d better get to work, figure out what I want, find it or make it happen. I want to be more extroverted, friendlier. I still feel like the invisible fat girl hiding in the corner, but I don’t look the part anymore, and can’t pull it off. I am forcing myself out of that corner, though it is scary and I keep running back. I went to a 12 step meeting last week, for weed. I was very surprised to be one of the younger ones there. I haven’t quit, don’t really believe it’s addictive, don’t like 12 step, but have to admit, that I can’t/won’t help myself, and I need help.