My head is spinning

I have gone back to work.  I have no time, my commute sucks, and I am stressed.  Fortunately, I don’t sleep more than 6 hours a night, and most nights that is even less due to insomnia.  Blah.

But first the fun stuff!  Meeting the parents in Idaho.  Cultural differences aside, my mom, who no longer considers me fat, feels free to eat in front of me.  The first night, my dad wants pizza (he only eats it when he sees me-his consolation for having such a poorly adjusted kid?), so we order a cilantro, garlic and broccoli pizza.  I eat a breadstick, he eats 1/2 of a breadstick, my mom eats 6.5 breadsticks.  Not too bad, she didn’t have beer, as dad and I did.   The second day, we rent bikes, go on a 10 mile bike ride.  We stop at a cafe, eat a decent but unspectacular lunch.  She buys two peach danishes for the price of one, offers me one.

Me:  “I don’t eat that”  (even was I was bigger, I didn’t like danishes)

Her:  “You worked it off already!”

me: “It doesn’t work like that.”

My dad laughs, starts telling me about all the crap he buys at the supermarket for her, ice cream, cookies, chips, hamburgers, and though he eats none of that, she loses, he gains.  My mom shrugs, eats the other danish, tells me tomorrow she’ll eat nothing but fruit and veggies.  Seems that’s her solution to weight problems, was always the crappy advice she’d try to tell me I should live by, though she never even tried it herself.  I tell my dad that I think his portion sizes are too big, which is surprising to him, and he doesn’t agree.  I shrug my shoulders at him, roll my eyes at her, buy some peaches and strawberries.

Next day, at the last tiny market for hours, she buys non-fat cheese and a huge bag of chips.  I suggested the small bag of chips, but she’s not paying $0.99 for two servings, when she can pay $1.49 for 6.  Thanks mom.  I buy regular cheese, and put some chips on my cheese sandwich.  Crappy lunch.  I eat too many chips, then throw them out when she’s not looking.  Meanwhile, I have to go get breakfast by myself, they eat cereal.  I try the cereal, it’s sweeter than any candy I eat these days.  My dad says he doesn’t have his glasses when he shops, he can’t read the ingredients.  Shredded Wheat, must be healthy!  Uh, can you not taste this?  I really hate that in this family, I am vilified for intentionally eating fat and sugar, while they have neither in the house, but don’t have to, because they eat a bunch of processed crap already full of it?

Work is stressful and the commute is horrible, whether I do public transit or drive, and I may move.  I can’t live like this.  I have a new guy, the first non-pothead I’ve ever dated, and it’s new ground for me.  Coincidentally (or not), he’s also the first conventionally successful (good career, owns gorgeous spotless apt) man I’ve dated.    I can’t park within 1/2 mile of his house, but he lives much closer to my job than I do, so it’s convenient for me to be there.  I don’t feel much spark there.  I miss my old New Guy.

I’ve given up ciggies, given up food for comfort (mostly, anyways), mostly given up weed, all I’ve got left is sex and exercise.  And alcohol, of course, which makes me not feel very well, so any help there is very limited.  Drinking at my level is strange.  When I tell people who can’t drink at all that I can’t drink very much, we don’t understand each other.   I understand even less people who drink a whole lot.    I see people asleep on the sidewalk, cold nights, no pillows or blankets, I understand that least of all.  Maybe that’s something stronger, heroin, who knows.  I could ask the mid-block dealer who quickly finished his transaction to come and hit on me, but I don’t know how to word the question, besides, he’s crude.   I go to the gym for 2 hours, at least 3 days a week, and that’s likely the only thing that keeps me sane.  I try to walk at least an hour on the other days, which works into my commute.  My bike is forgotten.  The processed snacks that they pick up at Costco for employee food are not things that I eat, thankfully.  Sometimes I’ll eat some mini-carrots, or a string cheese, but the fig newtons, bags of corn nuts, granola bars, microwavable soup (80 kcals won’t last me an hour, and yuck), sugary yogurt, I can pass on.  More than one string cheese makes my stomach hurt, so there’s built in moderation.

No news on the weight front.  I hover at BMI = 25, though I’m rarely above it, sometimes a few pounds below.  This may be where I stay, and I think it’s okay.  Still kinda flabby, but I am a middle aged woman, not 16.  It’s what it is.


10 Responses to “My head is spinning”

  1. July 1, 2010 at 7:36 am

    I’m so sorry for the work stress! I’m glad you have the exercise for that. And the New New Guy, even if he is kind of sparkless.

    Oh, and next time? Please to send Danish on to me. I prefer cream cheese.

    Hang in there!

  2. July 1, 2010 at 8:30 am

    In my family, I’m the only one with food issues. So going out to dine/snack whatever with my folks, siblings, husband and kids really has never been stressful. We all know what we should eat and we know what we want to eat, and there’s no judging or condemming or questioning. If any of that’s done, it’s all in my head directed at myself.

    A long shitty commute sucks. I agree. Good luck with the job and the new guy and keep up the good work on the ciggies and pot front. Trust me, if you don’t already, you will feel much better.

  3. July 3, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Family and work issues are tough. What can you do?

    Congratulations on giving up the cigarettes and mostly giving up on weed. That is hard work and a huge accomplishment.

  4. July 4, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    I too am sorry work is stressful for you. That is so hard and can affect every other area of your life. Congratulations on your success at quitting smoking – you are doing great!

  5. July 5, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Hi Julie, Thanks for stopping by my blog and for taking time to read the post about my husband’s dad. Yes, his doctor has mentioned medical marijuana and patiently explained to them how it is used to increase appetite. I wasn’t at that appointment, but my husband was and you should hear him tell about the look on his mom’s face when the doctor said the word marijuana. After all, they are in their 80’s. He prescribed something else first, but we are remaining open to all options. Things actually have improved a little. Thanks again for leaving a comment. I’m enjoying your blog as well.

  6. July 7, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    The commute is the only thing I hate about my job. Unlike you, I don’t really have the option to move closer unless I want to sell the house. In this terrible economy, I just suck it up and drive.

    My parents do the same thing about purchasing bigger items to get more bang for the buck. Unfortunately, it tends to be junk food.

    Good luck with things.

  7. July 8, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    Sounds like when I got my pilot’s license, he says, “OK , now you have your ticket to learn.” You are learning too 🙂 Maybe you can redirect your parents conversation away from food. Or do something else with them. Just a thought. If you keep giving up stuff, I’m gonns give you the Dr. J Mantle. Maybe it time for a new sheriff in fit-land!

  8. July 9, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Hi Julie. Appreciate your comment on my blog. As I was reading the first part of your blog entry, I thought of the old Will Smith/Fresh Prince song “Parents Just Don’t Understand” (okay, call me cheesy but it’s true) and that is especially true when it comes to food and body image. Your parents love you, but they don’t understand the healthier eating changes you’ve made and probably never will. My dad owned a delicatessan, and would probably think the unprocessed way I try to eat now is an act of being unpatriotic. Good luck with the new guy, the job and your commute!

  9. 9 HUnter4086
    July 21, 2010 at 11:45 am

    I can definitely relate to weirdo family dynamics like this when it comes to food. A recent case involved my mother staying with me, complaining because she actually had to use a stove to cook things VS the microwave she has at home for everything from Stouffer’s crap to instant cappuccino from a ‘pak.’. On an evening stroll we stopped in at a Dairy Queen for cones but she ordered a burger in addition to a banana split so we actually had to stay in that over-airconditioned hellhole to eat instead of catching the sunset (DQ cones need an aesthetic boost like that, right). Then she eyed up my small cone and laughed, saying she thought I was Ms. Healthy – “but look at you go!” Oh, and “What would your food programme people say?” (Earlier that day in a rare moment of intimacy I had disclosed to her that I attend Overeaters Anonymous meetings and that I have a tendency toward binge/purge cycles, though ostensibly fit-seeming.)
    And my brothers like to check in time to time, conversationally ask whether I’m still mental about food and stuff.

    “It’s what it is” is a very sensible mantra and one I think I will work on cultivating.

  10. August 4, 2010 at 3:16 am

    Sorry about work stress. As for your parents: they have had a lot of time on earth, and haven’t changed. My 85 year old mom is the same way, and will not change. We ate out, and over her plate of goo-stuffed pancakes, she told me she just needed to lose 5 lbs. By doign something unspecific. So, just stick with what works for you, and let them be themselves, because they won’t be anyone else 😀

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