My head is spinning

I have gone back to work.  I have no time, my commute sucks, and I am stressed.  Fortunately, I don’t sleep more than 6 hours a night, and most nights that is even less due to insomnia.  Blah.

But first the fun stuff!  Meeting the parents in Idaho.  Cultural differences aside, my mom, who no longer considers me fat, feels free to eat in front of me.  The first night, my dad wants pizza (he only eats it when he sees me-his consolation for having such a poorly adjusted kid?), so we order a cilantro, garlic and broccoli pizza.  I eat a breadstick, he eats 1/2 of a breadstick, my mom eats 6.5 breadsticks.  Not too bad, she didn’t have beer, as dad and I did.   The second day, we rent bikes, go on a 10 mile bike ride.  We stop at a cafe, eat a decent but unspectacular lunch.  She buys two peach danishes for the price of one, offers me one.

Me:  “I don’t eat that”  (even was I was bigger, I didn’t like danishes)

Her:  “You worked it off already!”

me: “It doesn’t work like that.”

My dad laughs, starts telling me about all the crap he buys at the supermarket for her, ice cream, cookies, chips, hamburgers, and though he eats none of that, she loses, he gains.  My mom shrugs, eats the other danish, tells me tomorrow she’ll eat nothing but fruit and veggies.  Seems that’s her solution to weight problems, was always the crappy advice she’d try to tell me I should live by, though she never even tried it herself.  I tell my dad that I think his portion sizes are too big, which is surprising to him, and he doesn’t agree.  I shrug my shoulders at him, roll my eyes at her, buy some peaches and strawberries.

Next day, at the last tiny market for hours, she buys non-fat cheese and a huge bag of chips.  I suggested the small bag of chips, but she’s not paying $0.99 for two servings, when she can pay $1.49 for 6.  Thanks mom.  I buy regular cheese, and put some chips on my cheese sandwich.  Crappy lunch.  I eat too many chips, then throw them out when she’s not looking.  Meanwhile, I have to go get breakfast by myself, they eat cereal.  I try the cereal, it’s sweeter than any candy I eat these days.  My dad says he doesn’t have his glasses when he shops, he can’t read the ingredients.  Shredded Wheat, must be healthy!  Uh, can you not taste this?  I really hate that in this family, I am vilified for intentionally eating fat and sugar, while they have neither in the house, but don’t have to, because they eat a bunch of processed crap already full of it?

Work is stressful and the commute is horrible, whether I do public transit or drive, and I may move.  I can’t live like this.  I have a new guy, the first non-pothead I’ve ever dated, and it’s new ground for me.  Coincidentally (or not), he’s also the first conventionally successful (good career, owns gorgeous spotless apt) man I’ve dated.    I can’t park within 1/2 mile of his house, but he lives much closer to my job than I do, so it’s convenient for me to be there.  I don’t feel much spark there.  I miss my old New Guy.

I’ve given up ciggies, given up food for comfort (mostly, anyways), mostly given up weed, all I’ve got left is sex and exercise.  And alcohol, of course, which makes me not feel very well, so any help there is very limited.  Drinking at my level is strange.  When I tell people who can’t drink at all that I can’t drink very much, we don’t understand each other.   I understand even less people who drink a whole lot.    I see people asleep on the sidewalk, cold nights, no pillows or blankets, I understand that least of all.  Maybe that’s something stronger, heroin, who knows.  I could ask the mid-block dealer who quickly finished his transaction to come and hit on me, but I don’t know how to word the question, besides, he’s crude.   I go to the gym for 2 hours, at least 3 days a week, and that’s likely the only thing that keeps me sane.  I try to walk at least an hour on the other days, which works into my commute.  My bike is forgotten.  The processed snacks that they pick up at Costco for employee food are not things that I eat, thankfully.  Sometimes I’ll eat some mini-carrots, or a string cheese, but the fig newtons, bags of corn nuts, granola bars, microwavable soup (80 kcals won’t last me an hour, and yuck), sugary yogurt, I can pass on.  More than one string cheese makes my stomach hurt, so there’s built in moderation.

No news on the weight front.  I hover at BMI = 25, though I’m rarely above it, sometimes a few pounds below.  This may be where I stay, and I think it’s okay.  Still kinda flabby, but I am a middle aged woman, not 16.  It’s what it is.