Too tired to be #*&^% with!

Tonight I went to a panel about Jewish delis, and if they had a future at all, let alone an environmentally sustainable one.  Two of the panelists ran a deli around the corner, one was Michael Pollan (he lives here), one had a radio show and a recent book, and one was an urban farmer in W Oakland, one of those very poor areas that they call food desserts, I think, all liquor stores and barbecue joints and churches, but no groceries or produce markets.   It wasn’t all that interesting, didn’t learn anything new, and I don’t like pastrami, corn beef, or huge meat sandwiches, grass-fed or not.  Just bacon, pepperoni, kielbasa, hotdogs.  Not a good Jew, apparently, which may be ok for an atheist.

Yesterday I finally went on a date.  We went hiking, then ate pizza/beer, then I seduced him.  All I’m going to really say is that it’s a whole lot better for stress relief and peace of mind than exercise.  Maybe I’d do better cutting back on exercise if I could do that regularly.   I got up and went to the gym anyway this morning, full autopilot, didn’t even occur to me until I was halfway there that I didn’t really feel like the gym.  I always go on Tuesdays at 11, kickboxing then strength training, and since I already paid bridge toll, I went anyway.

Walking back from the panel tonight, I am walking on the empty side of the street.  I notice a voice behind me, been there a while.  I don’t have the best hearing, and I can’t tell what she’s saying, though I hear a word occasionally.  I cross the street, she does too.  It sounds as if she’s about 10 feet behind me.  I start to speed up, and she does too.    I probably appear mildly drunk, I’m too tired to fully pick my feet up, and I stumble over raised sidewalks occasionally.   Every muscle in my body is buzzing from the gym, I don’t feel like walking fast, may not be able to outpace her, and don’t feel like hearing her anymore.  I turn around 180, walk back towards her.  She’s wearing a blanket over her head, can’t tell much about her.  She stops, looks really startled.  I scream right in her face, she takes a step back, and screams too.  For a second, I think she’s going to hit me, then she looks as if she thinks I’ll hit her.  “Look, you damn *%^#$, quit *(%^)))&Y&  following me.  And shut the hell up.”  She starts talking very loud about Berkeley bitches, but no longer follows me.  As I shuffle away, I still can’t understand her.

Today I weigh 147, even though I had a heavy breakfast, and hadn’t gone to bathroom yet.  The number is dropping again, maybe faster since I started cooking at home more.  The scale really isn’t sensitive enough to tell me what works or not, and I’m not consistent enough in anything.  But whatever, I’m officially not overweight by BMI, and I’m still losing.

Thanks. Please shut up now.

How nice of some of my friends to tell me how fat and disgusting I used to be.  OK, maybe not exact words, but I’m kinda stunned and a bit hurt to hear some of this stuff.    The first I actually heard a while back, when I was whining about never getting laid.  He now considers me acceptable, as his perceived cutoff limit is 20 pounds overweight, and I am within that range.  I’m only down about 10 pounds since writing that post when I was still unacceptable, but as I get closer, the weight changes are small, body changes are bigger.  I don’t know what my excuse is now, I’m still not getting any.  Apparently, there something besides weight going on.  Dammit, I was afraid of that, and I’ve suspected it for a while, though hoping it wasn’t true.  Damn damn damn. Never mind.

And then, there’s the ex-boyfriend.  He says he’s not really attracted to skinny women, though I’ve never known him to date anyone as big as I was.  He had a brief fling with a very large woman friend of his who was between girlfriends, but otherwise he’s into mildly chubby.   I don’t remember the context, but he said I should have no trouble dating, as I’m cute now.  Now that I’ve lost the weight.  Sigh.  I suppose I appreciate that he never claimed to not be attracted to me when I was big, but it’s weird to find out that he was lying the whole time.  A little big, but not too big.  I’m disturbed and irritated by this, not quite exactly sure why.  I’ll get over it, soon, maybe I’m just moody.  He quotes to me Bernie Mac “Hey black women-stop messing with your hair.  Hey white women- stop losing all that weight!”

As for that guy who thought I was good looking even at a higher weight, he just disappeared.  I thought the proper way to do this would be to disappear after he got me into bed, not before.  I don’t understand, but I’m not going to pursue him.  If he’s that dysfunctional, just as well.  Or maybe he just didn’t like my company in general.  I don’t know, though I’m disappointed.  Though maybe now that I don’t go everywhere with the ex, maybe I’ll meet someone else soon.  Or try internet dating.  Or figure out why I’m so screwed up.

In other news, over 3 weeks off ciggies.  I still have cravings, and then there’s the really nasty psychological part of the addiction.  This tells me that life isn’t worth living, the only thing that’s consistent and will make me feel better is a smoke.  I ignore this, but it is still very upsetting.  In theory, I feel I should be able to smoke occasionally, but reality shows that I just start again.  Quitting is physically uncomfortable and hugely disruptive to my life, I can’t stand doing it over and over.  So I ignore it, and I cry because I miss my cigarettes, but I don’t smoke.  I had a drink or two a few times in the last week or two, but I don’t dare in this stage.  Nor do I hang around with smokers.  I smell it all the time, but am indifferent, it’s no worse than car exhaust, crappy weed, b.o., or crack, better than dog poop, human poop from someone with digestive issues and no bathroom, or that nasty ammonia reek of old stale pee-pee (not so common with all the rain).    Oh Mission St, how I love thee-though you’re nasty.

I enjoyed a break from the rain, went to Pt. Reyes.  These elk were a lot more disturbed by me than the bobcat was.   That bobcat is probably used to ignoring people, it’s a lot more isolated on this end of the county.

Eat less, exercise less

Over two weeks off cigarettes, and I haven’t been eating to compensate.  Exercising, yes.  I generally exercise a lot, but it’s been all in the gym, due to rain.     I haven’t been getting my life in balance yet either, had to cut myself a break to get off the cigarettes.  I’m trying, though.

Strangely enough, I went to a party the other night, ran into this guy I run into occasionally.  I mentioned to him that I saw him coming into the gym as I was leaving the other day.    I mentioned that he’d lost weight.  He asked if he was looking good.  He told me he always thought I was hot, hadn’t noticed that I lost weight, thought I was attractive when I met him (when I was fat).  Aww, that’s so sweet, I’m going to take him home with me.  Which gets me thinking, if I have overnight company, how am I going to get rid of him early enough to get to the gym?  Big red flag going up here, I don’t like this.  This is not balanced.  I will probably always prioritize exercise, but I’m not pleased that I would do it to the exclusion of everything else.  Including relationships, or even just sex (not that I even remember what that’s like) working, getting a real life.  Though, to give myself credit,  besides exercising like a insane ball of nerves with a nic fit who can’t sleep more than 5 hours/night, I also cleaned my entire apartment, for the first time since I moved here 5 months ago.    I’m a horrible slob sometimes, it seems a self-defense mechanism like my overeating was, a way to keep people away.  I need to bring people near.  So maybe I am making progress, and should rethink this.

My weight has not gone up from quitting ciggies, though it isn’t dropping as quickly as it should be.  I think, besides the exercise, not bingeing, and eating reasonable portions, one of the reasons for my weight loss success to date has been calorie density, as in minimizing calorie dense foods, maximizing whole foods, etc.  I’m always eating fruits and veggies, but in time, the amount of processed grains, cheese, meat creep up in my diet.  And then, occasionally, I notice my eating, and it’s too convenient, lazy, processed, heavy.  So I’m going to get back to eating more lentil soup, less pizza.  This last 20 pounds I’ve decided I want to lose is likely to take some effort.  I haven’t been this weight since 9th grade, let alone smaller.  Wish me luck!

The sun is out for the first time in about 2 weeks, I need to go make some Vitamin D while I can.  And then I’ll go to the gym.  Tomorrow I’ll think about balance, hopefully there’ll be more sun.

**I think much of my heavy eating is because I exercise a LOT and don’t want to deal with eating so much-thus, maybe if I exercise less (as in maybe just an hour a day), I don’t have to eat so much/so heavy.

Shopping from size XL to S

I can’t avoid it anymore, even my gym clothes are getting baggy, I have to start shopping.  Today I stopped by a Goodwill in the 20 minutes before gym, and got a few shirts/sweaters.  First of all, how can it be that I wear shirts that are small?  Most mediums are too large, that was a shocker.  I’m still overweight, something is very wrong.  I didn’t buy any pants today, though I need to, as I have a few pairs of 10s that are too big, and some 8s and 10s that are okay, and a pair of 8s that are too tight.  I wore these 8s to a concert the other night, had to unbutton them after I ate, and my stomach rolled over the side, fortunately hidden (barely) by my shirt.  Awful disturbing flashbacks and memories of years of too-tight pants, delaying buying clothes that fit because I didn’t want to face the weight gain.

So yes, shopping is still something I won’t do until I have nothing to wear, which is starting to happen.  The weirdest thing here, when I was XL, anything that fit was fair game.   Now that so much fits, I can actually just buy stuff that looks good.  This was a bit mind-blowing for me today, but why not?  Why lose 50 pounds just to dress and look frumpy?  As the ex says, I worked hard for this body,  might as well show it off, and he does have a point.

I’m going to wait on buying pants, since I have enough that sort of fit, and maybe when the pair that is now too tight is getting too loose (positive thinking?), I’ll buy some more.  In the meantime, I need some rain boots, as the rain keeps coming.  And gym clothes, so expensive.  I would be better served by diverting 25% of the energy dedicated to losing weight towards finding a job, maybe that’s a good way to start changing my focus.

P.S. I finally bought a full length mirror today, a cheap antique that I’ll need to clean up, but maybe now that I can actually see how frumpy I look, maybe I’ll be more motivated to dress in clothes that fit.

Changing Gears

I’m starting to mourn how much of my life has been spent on the quest for thinness. When I die, they can put on my grave “finally lost the weight”. Very sad. And I’m not even there yet, I’m 1-4 pounds overweight, depending on the day. I’m calling it close enough, I’m tired of fighting this battle, tired of dedicating so much mental energy to it. Tired tired tired.

Anyway, to celebrate almost losing the weight, I quit smoking (again). It’s been almost a week, and as always, it’s kind of sucked. The first few days, I go to the woods, where it’s quiet, I don’t have to be around anyone, there’s no ciggies, and I walk for hours. I saw a bobcat, wasn’t quick enough to get a shot of his face, but got a good look, an okay picture. I manipulate caffeine, weed, and exercise in hopes of not crawling out of my skin, being able to sleep at night. I sleep about 3-4 hours/night, and this gets old very fast. I exercise as much as I can, without endangering my ability to do this the next day. Even on low caffeine, I am restless, hyper, uncomfortable.

Anyway, I’m about over it now. Sleeping 5-6 hours every night, hopefully this won’t go on much longer. I wonder how much of a coincidence it is that I quit when I lost enough weight, even if I maintain now, I’d be okay. Not thrilled, but okay. I recognize that some of the indulgences that I allowed myself, as an active smoker, now need to be cut back. I’ve heard that nicotine ups your metabolism about 10%, so that’s 200 calories or so that I no longer have as wiggle room.

One of my favorite meals, that I used to eat very often when fat, and still eat too often, is egg/bacon/cheese on a bagel. I seem to remember last time when I regained weight quickly, I would often be eating these almost every day, usually on a croissant. Now it’s just Saturday mornings, because I go three hours to the gym (step, strength training, yoga), and also when I stay at a friend’s place, so that’s already almost 2x/week. This last week, because I cut myself a break out of convenience and bad nerves, I’ve eaten it around 4 times. On Saturdays, if I eat cream cheese on a bagel instead, I’m violently hungry by the time I’m 2/3 through the gym, though that was when I was a smoker, I’m going to try it again. Because of the timing with my farmers market, I always shop first, then quick food/coffee at a cafe, then go to the gym, and it’s very hectic and I like to be able to eat enough to make it through. It really does seem like I eat some very heavy food. The last friend who commented on my fat bastard breakfast when we were going hiking, had just cream cheese and tomato on her bagel, but then she stopped for a donut (!!!!!) along the way there. I’m not going to begrudge anyone their donut, but don’t act like you’re Ms. Holier-than-thou Healthy Eater. I know this trick, my mom is the queen. No mom, though it’s true that you don’t eat fat and sugar with your meal, but those three ice cream sandwiches before bed do count too.

So onto an alternative, which may end up being the same thing without bacon, or smoked fish, or who knows. At home, once or twice a week, I make a one-egg, one bacon, mushroom, greens, and cheese omelette on a piece of 9-grain toast. I just bought humanely raised naturally cured bacon, made in small batches, given a massage with happy ending daily. OK, sorry, I’m sort of out of my mind here, vicious mood due to no sleep. Consider yourselves lucky I haven’t visited your blogs much recently.

I’ve really tightened up on food in other ways in the last week. Because I will be much happier with quitting smoking if I don’t gain weight, even happier if I lose it, I’ve been only eating when hungry, except for breakfast. Difficult, because both my appetite and metabolism are sluggish, and if I eat said bagel at 8 am, it will be 3 pm before I start wondering if maybe I’m hungry. Or maybe I should eat anyway, though I can’t tell. I have mixed feelings about this, as a dieter, it seems crazy to make myself eat if I’m not even sure if I’m hungry, but it seems risky and stupid not to, since I don’t want to risk bingeing, and want to stay as stable and sane as possible. In the end, I think the most reasonable thing to do is to eat smaller, lighter meals, and while not forcing myself to eat on schedule, I’m trying to eat close to what I’m used to, at reasonable times. Eating is anything but intuitive right now, but I’m going to continue to eat anyway. If the idea of eating really grosses me out, I don’t force it, but if it’s been many hours, and I “should” be hungry, then I eat, at least a little.

And while I’m bitching anyway, how about a big “fuck you” to 24-hour fitness, for shortchanging the equipment in the Group-X rooms of the two Oakland gyms. I’ve been in crowded classes in their San Francisco (lighter, wealthier) gyms that will run out, but 90% of people will have enough. These two gyms are truly lacking, even in the basics. I hate this gym, I wish it wasn’t so cheap and I could afford a real gym.

I’m making YOU feel bad?

“You need to stop losing weight, you’re going to shrink down into nothing.”  I  pause and look up, one hand picking out stringy broccoli from a big box, like a kid caught with his hand in the candy jar.  “You’re making me feel bad!”  (Translation:  Who do you think you are?)   I am at the farmers market, I have pms, haven’t had coffee yet, it’s 7:15 on a Saturday morning.  I scowl and return to my broccoli.  The vendor’s co-worker says to her “it’s not her responsibility to make you feel good about yourself”.  “Yeah, I know, but she’s making me feel bad!”  She then turns back to me.  “Let me guess, you obviously eat lots of fruits and veggies, exercise all the time, never eat carbs”.  I’ve been buying her broccoli, cucumbers, kale, carrots, random other stuff for about 15 years.   She doesn’t really sound like she’s joking, but I don’t let myself get snappy and reactionary when I have pms-temper.  “Of course I eat carbs.”

I pay for my broccoli, while she keeps talking.   I say something lame about how I used to eat just too much for me, especially junky stuff (like the croissants another vendor sells there, that I no longer eat, but I know she does).   This woman has diverticulitis, high blood pressure.  She wants to know how much I exercise (translation:  I’m searching for a reason why none of this would work for me).  Yes, it’s true, I’m headed to the gym after I finish shopping.

I don’t think it’s necessary to exercise as much as I do to lose weight, though it likely helps, and certainly gives me more wiggle room.  I exercised when I was much heavier, though not as intensely, as often, or as consistently.   I’ve always done errands and moved around by bike or walking, occasional bus.  I rarely drive anywhere within 6 miles.  The gym (~5 or 6 hours week across 3-4 days)  is less consistent.  I come from hyperactive stock, my parents/sister exercise more than an hour every day, always have.   The ones that aren’t joggers, swimmers, or ?? either live in NYC and walk miles daily  (and are still not thin), or are fat and diabetic.  It’s my genes, we don’t stay healthy while inactive, we’re restless and prone to depression.

What should I have said to this woman?  Should I say something to her next week?  Ignore the whole thing?  Buy someone else’s broccoli?   I’m still a bit irritated, but don’t think she’ll bring up the issue again.   Now that a few days have passed, it seems that she must have been joking with me, and I was just too humorless at that hour to appreciate it.  I think it’s still kind of rude.  It’s not like I got this as a birthday present, I’ve worked at it a long time, and it’s been effort.  Everybody wants something that requires no discipline, sacrifice, or hard work, and will allow them to still eat as much or anything as they want, with no exercise.  Sorry, I couldn’t figure that one out, when you do, I’d like to hear it.  I’ll still be exercising, regardless.

NYE - Random guy skateboarding with umbrella, cigarette

Random guy trying to wind skateboard

On the cusp

A few months back, I made the soft goal of getting to normal BMI by my 41st b-day (yesterday), and I didn’t make it.  In all fairness, when I weighed myself at a friend’s house X-mas morning, I was there, but that’s first thing in the morning, before coffee and breakfast.  So before coffee-normal weight;  after coffee, overweight.  Thus, this proves that coffee is fattening (kidding!)  Close, but probably a few more weeks before I’m not overweight anytime of day.

What’s most surprising to me is how comfortable I am with my eating.  I no longer try for low-fat.  I’m not scared of sugar.  I rarely crave anything, and while not indifferent about food, it isn’t as important as it used to be.  I don’t have to absolutely love everything I eat, it doesn’t need to fill emotional holes, comfort me, or be the high point of everything.  I still enjoy my food, and I don’t deny myself the occasional outrageous meal.  I am starting to trust myself with this.  It doesn’t bother me a bit to eat a 1000+ kcal lunch, because I won’t eat until I get hungry again, and I won’t get hungry again for a LONG time.  Fat kind of works the same way for me.  If I eat low-fat yogurt or cheese in my meal, I will be hungry again in 2-3 hours, whereas the full fat version will last me 4-5, and will likely give me less kcal overall in a day.  Plus, I don’t have to figure out what to eat as often, not to mention it tastes better.  Alcohol, for some reason, doesn’t seem to balance, will not make me feel full, and will likely make me eat more than I would otherwise.  I resented this for a while, but realistically, I have no tolerance at this weight, and want to fall asleep after 2 drinks, so not that much of a problem.  I guess I do therefore restrict alcohol, and resent it slightly, unlike my comfy relationship with food.   If I am going to drink, I make sure I am well-fed first so at least I won’t eat, too (unless it’s a dinner, of course).

Most of what I eat is a modification on how I used to eat.  A quesadilla for me used to be a big white flour tortilla with lots of cheese, and lots of salsa.  Now I eat a small 12 grain tortilla, still fried in butter, but with cheese, black beans, red cabbage, avocado, cilantro, and lots of salsa.  For all I know, it may be about the same amount of calories, but a different variety, likely slower to digest, which means longer until I get hungry again.  Other things are exactly the same, I just eat much less, with extra fruit or salad or veggies to make up the difference.  I’ve always been a fruit/veggie eater, and a moderate exerciser.  I think the main reason I got so big was huge portions, and dieting.

As for my diet itself, it’s healthy enough, in my opinion.  I eat too much salt (cheese/fruit), not enough whole grains (cooked veggies/water).  I seem to eat less, volume-wise, than most people I eat with, and most people who aren’t whole-food veg*n type eaters think I eat too healthy.   Whole-food veg types, otoh tend to think I eat too heavy.   (Why does everybody bloody comment on my eating?  Do I do this too?)  I think that I possibly eat enough fruit to have what might be considered a high sugar diet, but realistically, where most people eat chips, or dessert, or other snacky stuff, I eat fruit.  I’m not going to worry about this too much, not now anyway.  Whatever I’m doing, it seems to work, not only for weight loss, but in helping to keep me mentally stable, and not crazy about food.   I have no problem eating two or three bites of chocolate cake, and I appreciate that I have other friends that feel that way.  Last night, four of us split an amazing slice of chocolate cake, for my birthday.  Only one of us at the table was conflicted about it.  He would rather just eat a whole pile of lettuce than try to moderate anything that tastes good.  Not my approach, but if he can make it work for him, not my business.

I’ve been reading the comments of a NYT blog about whether exercise causes weight loss.  It’s kind of silly, the headline says it doesn’t, but the article says 7 pounds in 3 months with no change in diet.  The comments contain the usual idiocy, from fat hate to the usual “if you want to lose weight, you can never ever eat sugar/white flour/meat/dairy/carbs/fat/do cardio/blah blah blah”, but also a lot of people state what worked for them.  Some of them just eat better/less and exercise (like me), others can only lose by low exercise, strict diet.  Others don’t diet at all, just exercise.  Some eat or exercise a certain way, others completely different.  Personally, I think it still all comes down to calorie balance, but most important is to find something that you can continue the rest of your life.

As for me, I’ll continue with what I’m doing, hopefully I will continue to drop more pounds.  I’m about a size 8 right now, and likely 20 pounds more than I need to be.  But since that’s so far away, I’m just going to think about these 2-3 that I need to be BMI <25.  I still look chubby, though less than I used to.

Touristing around SF

Heroin = Cigarettes = Sugar ?!?!

A week or two back, a friend tells me he’s figured out why I have so much trouble with cigarettes.   I can’t wait to hear the latest theory downloaded from conspiracies-r-us and/or quack’s guide to neurotic living.  Turns out that sugar is one of the hundreds of additives added to cigarettes, and he thinks that’s what makes it addictive.  Say what?  Are you fucking kidding me?  SUGAR?  You think my problem with cigarettes is SUGAR?

This is why I hate when the headlines make really inflammatory, vastly overstated headlines such as “sugar as addictive as heroin!”  I concede that certain foods may set off certain reward pathways associated with it in some rats and people, but that doesn’t mean addiction.   A search of some scientific-type articles found some interesting stuff.

Eating disorders, themselves, seem to follow an addiction pattern.  This certainly seemed to be the case with my own past ED.   Is it really addiction, though?   This article and I agree:

“Harry Kissileff, a psychologist and specialist in human food intake at Columbia University. Kissileff agreed that Hoebel’s rats offer an important model system, but said he would be cautious about using them to put sugar in the same category as drugs.

In their experiments, Hoebel and colleagues in his lab started rats on a pattern of bingeing by withholding food for 12 hours when the rats were sleeping and through breakfast time, then giving them nutritionally balanced food plus sugar water. The animals gradually increased their daily sugar intake until it doubled, consuming most of it in the first hour it was available.

“There is some overlap between the systems that control food intake and addiction,” Kissileff said. “I am not sure they necessarily make food addictive.”

Animals that binged on normal food with no sugar and received the opioid blocker did not show these withdrawal signs. Animals that were given a steady diet of food and sugar water without bingeing also did not show signs of withdrawal.

“The implication,” said Hoebel, “is that some animals, and some people, can become overly dependent on sweet food, particularly if they periodically stop eating and then binge. This may relate to eating disorders such as bulimia.”

Did you catch that?  There seem to be some tie-ins between restriction/bingeing cycles and addiction.  Outside of ED, or diets that try to emulate them,  it’s not really a good model.    I know everyone claims to be a chocoholic, but it’s just not true

A neurobiologist examines how sugar is “like” a drug, and summarizes it all up in a nice, easy to understand manner (including background research).  “I like sugar as much as the next guy, but I assert that an all-night coke jag is a bit different than staying in with a pint of Haagen Dazs.”

I think he’s right.  Besides my own experience with cigarettes, I’ve had the displeasure of having two junkie housemates and one tweaker.  The tweaker (crack/speed) when going through withdrawal, besides being a first-class asshole, imagined bugs all over and incessently scratched at himself.  The junkie, who spend ALL of his time when clean attending 3 NA meetings daily, to get clean he had to have friends apply klonapin patches and chain him to a bed for a few days, far away enough out in the country that nobody could hear him scream.  As all good junkies do, he kept going back to it, until he eventually o.d’d.  The other junkie is still alive, and has switched over to crack (cheaper for someone on GA, disability).  She looks like death warmed over, lives in a SRO hotel in an especially sketchy block of the Mission (SF).  I see her occasionally, she’s 50 going on 75, doesn’t even recognize me.   I think I’ll bring her up next time someone tells me how fat people are costing so much money.  I cringe when anyone says ciggies are as addictive as heroin, that doesn’t seem right either.  If they’re harder to quit, it’s because they’re everywhere, acceptable, legal, very easy to get, which isn’t quite the same as being equally addictive.   Food is even easier, more available, cheaper, but without the physical addicton.

I think processed food/sugar is more compulsion than addiction.  If you want a better thought out summary, Michelle is much clearer.

And lastly, if you want to try to make the big bucks this holiday season with your own asinine diet, here’s a website to help you.   Happy holidays!

It ain’t been easy!

Just some clarifications, I didn’t want it to seem from my last post that I just started eating smaller meals and going to the gym and the weight melted away.  It didn’t go down like that.  This is my second time losing the weight.  The first time I did some unfun emotional work, learned to tolerate discomfort without eating.  Most of this I learned to do from a study I participated in in ‘97, I think, and it really took me that long to get to it.

And then I dieted and exercised a whole bunch.  And then I got distracted, and didn’t exercise very much.  And I started reverting to my old eating habits.  When I started the study, I was at 213.  When I moved in with the boyfriend, I was 150.  When I started back down about 1.5 years ago, I was back up to 199.  I realized that I had no idea how to eat like a normal person, I had either always been dieting or been eating because things tasted good, or to soothe bad feelings, if not outright bingeing.   Never for health or sanity.  It was disturbing, and sad, but true.   So I started to watch how people ate, especially people who had tendencies to put on weight if they didn’t actively prevent it.

And it seemed that they exercised, and indulged moderately, didn’t restrict to the point of not being able to enjoy their food, and certainly didn’t eat with reckless abandon, like me.  Obviously, there are thin people who eat everything and anything, and there are not-naturally thin people who are on strange diets/exercise regimes, but I didn’t want to be neurotic anymore, so from them only learned what NOT to do.

So weight loss #1- stopping emotional eating, weight loss #2 – learning intuitive/mindful eating.

Whether because my metabolism is not so great, or I’m too old, or just bad eating habits, getting rid of the emotional component stabilized my weight, but to lose, I had to change my whole way of eating/drinking to get the weight to come off.

I think in the case of my two male friends who don’t eat emotionally, I think for one thing, they never had great eating habits, and life changes as you get older.  While the one may play soccer a few times a week, same official exercise he’s been doing for a long time, he also now lives on top of a huge hill, instead of  in his downtown.  Which means that instead of setting off on his bike or walking a few times a day, he’s now completely dependent on his car.  He thinks I’m quite strange because I eat fruit at all times of day, not just for breakfast.  I think he’s stranger because he doesn’t.  Plus, even if your lifestyle doesn’t change, your body seems to want to put on fat as you age.  For some, it really is about eating less and moving more, though I don’t think it’s ever that simple.  I can’t pretend to understand how various food/exercise things affect hormones or body partitioning, or if it really even does.

I catch myself thinking diety thoughts, and don’t like it.  Today I was feeling neurotic about going to farmers market, gym, brunch-should I just bike downtown, skip the gym, hit the market on the way down (too late afterwards) or go to market, gym, brunch,  or gym, market, brunch.  I decided to go to market, gym, brunch, and my gym class was cancelled, there was a note on the door.  I had made myself eat breakfast that I didn’t want so I could work out at 10 am, and now I was supposed to go to brunch in a little over an hour, and I wasn’t going to be able to work up an appetite for it.   I could use up the time by going somewhere for a nice walk, or procrastinating at a different farmers market, or drop the car at home and get my bike.  I went and put away groceries, got my bike, but I’m still feeling ripped off about my workout.

OK, rambling on, since I wasn’t hungry at brunch, I figured I should eat something “healthy”, though I didn’t really feel like it.  I ordered a veggie frittata with both brussel sprouts and artichoke hearts and a side salad, instead of a homemade biscuit with bacon/egg/cheese and a side salad.  I’m not eating a big dinner, and I PLANNED for this.  I didn’t like it (what a surprise), and I didn’t feel like I got my indulgence that I’d been looking forward to for a few days.  I don’t have to eat veggies at restaurants, I have plenty at home.  So I ordered some fries, and didn’t like them too much either.   This is more neurotic than I usually allow myself to be, and I need to be very wary of this voice that tells me to not eat what I want to eat.  I KNOW better.

This morning the scale said 150.5.  My original goal was 150, but I abandoned it a few months ago for <148.  It’s getting close, I need to be careful of my thinking if I want to get there.

Here’s a good article about the complicated relationship of overweight BMI (25-29.9) to health, mortality.

It’s getting much colder than I like here.  I have to go volunteer at a bike party, and I think it’s going to rain, so I don’t wanna take the bike.  That leaves driving ( 20 minutes with no traffic, maybe 35 at this hour) or walking to Bart, riding Bart, walking 1+ ugly miles through industrial car-exhausty, homelessy, brutally cold SF.  1.5 hours?  And then doing it again on the way back.  How rude is it to drive to a bike party?  It’s not like anyone would notice.  I’ll have to see how cold it is, how bad traffic is.

the unpopular solution

I’ve seen many people in the last week that I haven’t seen for years, and thus have had many questions about how I lost weight.

“I eat less”.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t eat as much.”

“That’s it?”

“I exercise.”

“Really, that’s it?  No special diet?  No tricks?”

“I eat a lot of vegetables?”

At this point, I get a head shake, a scowl, and/or a look of disbelief.  I shrug in return.

In the last week, I’ve been accused of eating too greasy, too healthy, too much, too little, too much dessert, not enough dessert, the wrong kind of dessert.   Everyone wants to critique my eating habits.

I’m down close to 50 pounds, and when I last saw the woman who I ate Thanksgiving with, it was July.  Maybe I was down 40 pounds then?  I met her in Monterey and had lunch, and wasn’t allowed dessert.  I was too big, and she was overweight as a young woman (she’s now 87).  I wasn’t going to argue with her, I just shared a few bites of the boy’s dessert, as he was the only one allowed to order it.  (Women aren’t supposed to in general, especially not fat ones).  This time, since I’m no longer “too heavy” (somewhere in the last 10 pounds must have been the line, though BMI says I’m not there yet-damn DD boobs), I was allowed to eat it, though she seemed to think that I ate too much.  At the Thanksgiving buffet, I had one ooey-gooey chocolate truffle, and a small piece of something that they said looked like a Napolean.  I think she ate more than me, she just sampled a bit of everything.  Since I dislike pie, lemon anything, and most everything that’s not chocolate, it just looks like I may eat more, since I ate the whole thing.  Whatever.   I only stuffed myself a little (I don’t like that feeling anymore), and was hungry again in the morning, as opposed to the three days I needed last year.  I ate mostly shrimp and crab, roasted squash and parsnips, and cheese/crackers/salmon, not a beef fan, not a turkey fan, except the skin, and there was none available.

Then there are two other male friends who are gaining weight, and bemoan how inconvenient it is to eat healthy.  It takes planning, thought, conscientious eating.  True, it does.  However, just because one likes to leave the office for lunch doesn’t mean that it has to be for a heavy meal.  Order something on the healthy side, or just eat half of it.  There’s always an excuse, and it’s always more convenient not to bother.  It’s not my job to convince anyone to change their lifestyles, all I ever say is that if/when it matters enough, they’ll get to it.   When I was visiting with my parents, I’d generally save half my lunch or dinner for breakfast the next day.  I explain to my dad that this is how I can eat bacon/cheese/ice cream/butter/full-fat salad dressing,  and still lose weight.  They eat tiny breakfasts, and I need much more, or my eating will be screwed up all day.  He’s pissed because my mom “shovels in huge amounts of crap” and doesn’t gain weight, and he has been dieting for 50 years, is still chubby.  I told him that I avoid non-fat food, and I don’t eat until I’m stuffed.  I told him maybe he just eats too large portions.  He says he just eats what the restaurant gives him, and I said that’s likely his problem.  He says his dad’s obesity ruined his life, because all his kids were embarassed by him.  His cousin’s daughter recently lost 120 pounds, I’ve never met her, was bummed she didn’t come to lunch.  Lots of weight problems in the family, especially my dad’s side, heart disease and diabetes on the mom’s.    I wonder about my mom’s crappy neurotic diet, and all I can figure, is that she probably doesn’t get diabetes because she exercises a lot, diet be damned.    She also doesn’t get sunburned, nor poison oak.  Lucky genetics!

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!