Rage, rage, against the dying of the light!

I lost my sweet doggy friend, neighbor and companion. She lived upstairs with the landlord, but spent most of her time with me. We had lots of nice hikes, shared many meals, hung out and chilled. Her kidneys just shut down. This is a picture from about a year ago, it’s kinda startling to see how chubby I was.  Her head in my dog door was the first thing I ever saw in the mornng (but not yesterday-she didn’t even come down for bacon), and any time I came home.  Love you Tara, I’ll miss you much

Curiouser and Curiouser

One pair of size 10 pants is way too big, another is kind of tight.   My 38DD bra is too big, the 36DD is too small.   My body is changing quickly now, it’s kind of cool.  I’ve got the same bulges I’ve had for the last 40 pounds, but they’re feeling a bit smaller, flatter.    I now take a medium in most shirts, occasionally I need large.  My clothes are very frumpy, and they didn’t look good on me when I was bigger, they still don’t.  All bland, basic, shapeless, blech.  I’ll shop eventually, some day.  Or more likely, hit some garage sales.

Seems the last time I was in the 150s, I was around a size 6, now I’m still a 10.  Either I’m remember wrong, or I was more muscular back then.  I’ll have to go see if I still have clothes that are too small, or maybe this is it.  I’m still huge, or at least I look it at the gym, I’ve got a few inch more radius on any other woman there.

I haven’t smoked cigarettes in two days now.  I had to wait until I could pull myself out of that depression, so instead of thinking how my life sucks and there is no joy other than smoking, now I just think about healthy pink lungs, and it’s very easy.  I just really like to make things hard for myself sometimes.  Truly, depression can be crippling, and I will try to be more cautious to stay out of the abyss.

And finally, if you’re like me, and your weight loss is anything but linear, check out the brilliant (imho) Leigh Peele:  (To me, brilliant means I agree with them >75% of the time-though of course this could mean we’re both foolish)

http://www.leighpeele.com/water-retention-and-weight-loss-2

Startling commercials

The first is truly awful, the Carl’s Junior Bikini Burger.  Not just a piece of meat:  (not sure if this is going to work, but hopefully this is how it goes

Really?  She’s giving up everything to have that body, but keeping her messy drippy burger, which she’s going to eat on a beach?  Likely story.    I can’t see this ad appealing to any woman, anywhere, though I don’t think that’s Carl’s intended audience.  Truly tasteless commercial, but at least it shows a woman actually enjoying food, even though she’s sacrificing every other part of her life to enjoy this absolutely not diet food.

Speaking of diet food, I can’t find the other ad, but it’s a twist on that Yoplait ad:

but a role reversal, where the man is on the phone complaining about his weight, and how he can’t eat anything, except blah blah blah, and this time it’s the woman looking in the fridge, calling him on his deceit.  It’s just as annoying as the first one, but it’s very strange to hear a man talking that way.

Happy Pride weekend!

New tricks, new tries

I just thought of a new strategy to not overeat when I drink.  I’m going to eat first.  Tonight I am making beet soup, which has turned the cutting boards, my hands, soon my whole digestive tract, hot pink.  How can you not like that?  It’s also got the greens, an onion, purple potatoes, wild rice, garlic.  Soy sauce, spices, and just a bit of sugar.  It came to my attention recently that I should eat cooked vegetables, so this is it for today.  I may also have a veggie tamale, if the tamale lady is around at the bar later.

I absolutely have to change my life.  I can’t stand it anymore.  Nothing is right, and I’m not getting any younger.  I wish I had an easy path to do this, but I seem to rebel against everything I try.  I am comparing my attempts to quit smoking to how I quit overeating, and I was much kinder to myself about food indiscretions.  I punish myself both ways with the cigarettes-I suck if I don’t quit, and as soon as I do quit I will make myself do all these scary horrible things.  I need to tweak my psychology, and fast.   It’s not easy.

Aftermath

It looks like I was caught in an unfortunate confluence of pms, inability to exercise, and the painful shock of trying to quit smoking, not to mention the unfortunate state of my life, but I’m feeling better now.  I’ve learned not to try to quit smoking (or anything else) when I have that pms melancholy, but sometimes I forget.   For my whole adult life, food was my sedative, weed (as Linda once adroitly wrote about her observations in a previous comment) smooths out the rough edges, and cigarettes are my life vest.  Somehow I managed to break the food effect, which is a great thing, as far as health and weight loss go, but it leaves me to face some major discomfort head on, which I haven’t quite mastered yet.  I need to figure out how to process those feelings, either tolerating them so that I can move past them, or finding some way to use them to motivate me to change things for the better.  At least not losing it completely.  Facing my smoking habits is going to indeed be a road I’ll have to learn to maneuver, but it looks like the time is here.  It can’t be harder than food, but has it’s own, different, tricks.

I really have to give exercise the credit for pulling me out of this.  Besides that long beautiful hike on Monday, Tuesday I went to Kickboxing then Body Sculpt, and today I did that awful horrible Strength Training.  I tried every excuse in the book to not go today, but none held up.  This one hour class is about twice as much exercise as the two I did yesterday, though I made sure not to work my legs so hard that I can’t walk tomorrow.  That’s a lesson learned the hard way last week.  My arms, though, are trashed.  I may need help getting out of my clothes (oh cute neighbor boy!)  I really wish I had a bathtub at times like this.

Anyway, still haven’t quite figured out the best or most efficient, or even possible, way through this morass, but I’m working on it, just wanted to say that I’m okay, and my depression has subsided.  I don’t mind using exercise as a sedative, though not as immediately effective as a good strong binge, it has better side effects, and of course is much healthier in the long run.  Even exercise can be abused, but I’m way too lazy for that.  I’ll just do it enough to stay off prozac, or whatever is the pharm of the day.  Thanks everyone, for your hugs and good advice!

Censored

Sometimes depression overwhelms me and takes over my life.  This would be one of those times.  I’ve given up on the idea of quitting cigarettes, it was making me suicidal, and decided to quit smoking weed instead.  That has almost as much of an emotional impact, but no physical component to the addiction.  I know that theoretically this is illegal, maybe not really where I live, so I try not to talk about it too much.  I think it has an impact of every aspect of my life, especially as it enables me to tolerate bad situations because I can become numb enough to be indifferent.  It makes me more likely to be a hermit and a loner, less motivated to get work, a real relationship, clean my apartment, take care of myself.  I don’t think you can be a daily user of a mood altering substance and be fully partaking in life.  Not that I’m up for full involvement, I think for a few days I’ll just feel awful (par for the course of any addiction), start cleaning my apartment, figuring out what to do with my life.  I don’t think I’m happy in this town, thinking of returning to where I grew up.  Who knows, maybe I’ll feel different when I start to normalize again.  Sorry this post sucks so badly, but I’m in no mood.  The one saving grace is that I have no appetite and only eat when my hunger gets too strong, but I still go to the gym, to try to break this mood.  It will work eventually.  It’s funny, I can actually feel the bad mood lifting, my body chemistry changing, after a few hours at the gym.  I guess it must be chemical, and chemicals get broken down.  I don’t know how it works really, don’t fucking care right now.

Yesterday I went on a 9 mile hike.  That’s really too long, but I really wanted to go to this park.  There are three trails, and I took one up, and the short (2 mile) trail down is unpleasantly steep, so I took the 5 mile trail down.  It doesn’t hurt, but is uncomfortable and annoying.  I don’t know how those mountain bikers do it, they’re insane.   I met a bobcat on the path, he probably thought I was a tasty bunny, but when he saw me he took off quickly.  No picture of him.  The leftovers creeped me out, but gives me hope that whoever ate Bambi isn’t hungry anymore, and is napping somewhere.

From the Farmer’s Market

I get there by 7 am, a hassle unto itself, but the food is worth it.

• Few pounds cherries
• Four apples
• 3 each peaches, nectarines, plums, nectarines
• Dino kale
• salad greens
• carrots
• English peas
• Sugar peas (mistake, but they’ll get eaten)
• green beans (I hate these cooked.  Actually I dislike most cooked veggies, except mushrooms and kale/collards/mustard/etc.)
• very vanilla pancake mix (yummy white flour-I mix with whole grain pancake mix 50:50)
• strawberries
• cucumbers

This all costs about $40.

Leftover still from last week:

• celery
• radishes
• grapefruit (I’ll eat one a day when I remember)
• bell peppers
• dates
• smoked hot pepper cheddar cheese
• whole wheat pitas to make pizza

I wanted a croissant, but the lines were too long, as they have been for the last few weeks.  I used to eat one every week, now it’s a few a year.  Problem is I have to be at gym by 9, and I need more coffee and breakfast first.  When I have time or patience to stand in line for 10 minutes for it, I’ll get my croissant.  Until then, just drooling for it.   Surprisingly, I manage to eat most of this food over the course of a week (or two, thanks to my miracle tupperwares, called Lock-n-lock).   And of course, I always reuse my plastic shopping bags until they’re nasty and go to the doggy poop bag pile.

I think my bad mood this last week was a result of pms, being too sore for exercise, and lack of Vit. D.  It’s been really gray here lately, but today is sunny, and in the wind-free backyard, warm enough for short sleeves.  I’m still not happy, but managed to clean my apt for an hour or two, now resting for an hour before I go out and force myself to be amongst people, even if I don’t talk to them.    I’ll act as if…

Happy weekend, everyone

The dog is thin; does that mean she’s healthy?

No, not really.  She’s almost 16, has always been lanky.    After her recent bout with giardia, and some new kidney issues, she is gaunt.  I am officially allowed to feed her anything she will eat, with the exception of chocolate and cigarette butts.  She doesn’t seem to care for dog food anymore, and I think cat food has too much protein.  The landlord, who’s dog she is, feeds her boiled chicken and white rice, supposedly great for dogs.  I feed her restaurant leftovers-mine, and others, things from my fridge I don’t like, an occasional slice of bread.

The annoying thing is reactions from others.   She gets fed, nobody can force her to eat dog food or anything else.   And then, from the other side, are people who think she is fit and healthy.  Well, no, she’s thin.  I guess people just like to comment about weight, and if it’s not acceptable to do to people, just do it to their pets!  No, she’s not starving, she’s not healthy, she’s very very old.  Anyway, this rant has nothing to do with anything, it’s just ironic that we can’t put any weight on her.

In other news, nothing going on with me.  I’m starting to force myself out to interact with people, which is a drag, but good for me.  I did no gym all week until last night, because my thighs were so sore from the class over the weekend.  My mood crashed all to hell, and I finally convinced myself to go last night.  This was only because a friend was buying me pizza for dinner, and I figured I better work some of that off in advance.  I feel much better today, though my life still sucks, no job in sight.  I have a bit of a date this afternoon, sort of.  I don’t have high hopes.

I went on a hike on Monday, even though I couldn’t walk normally.  A bad idea, really, but I drove an hour to get there and had nothing better to do, so I continued.  Here are some pictures, I’m glad I got out there.

Weight loss, intuitive eating style

The 10 principles of intuitive eating, from intuitiveeating.org, as I see them:

1. Reject the Diet Mentality. Cliche, I know, but diets really don’t work.   By diet, of course, I mean something temporary and uncomfortable that you can’t wait to go off and get back to your regular way of eating.  I can see how you might want to use WW or something for a bit if your eating habits are so out of whack that you don’t know what or how much you should be eating.  But in general, if you’re not developing some eating habits that you’ll be able to live with the rest of your life, your weight loss, just like your diet, will be temporary.

2. Honor Your Hunger. I’d say that most of my past binges and strange eating behaviors were from restricting myself too much.  Forget thoughts of sugar addicton, emotional eating, psychological anything, I was just hungry!    To this day, if I don’t plan well and spend hours getting famished, I will think about nothing but food, and when I get the chance, I will eat almost indiscriminately, quickly and way too much.

3. Make Peace with Food. I think we all have foods that are triggers for us, or for whatever reason, we are not always able to eat “in moderation”.  This doesn’t tend to happen with carrots, but is usually something “bad” like ice cream, or potato chips.   It’s potato chips for me, and when I first tried intuitive eating, I thought that meant I had to keep potato chips in the house until I was indifferent to them.  About 5 pounds later, I decided that it would be more peaceful for me if I just ate a handful or two if I ran into them at a party, and didn’t have to live with them.

4. Challenge the Food Police. Food is not evil nor virtuous.   At the same time, some foods are healthier than others, and should be eaten often.  Others are not so healthy, and should be eaten sparingly.  This doesn’t mean that you can never eat chocolate cake or french fries (or whatever), it just means that you should only eat them when you really want them, and not eat them mindlessly just because they’re available.

5. Respect Your Fullness. I used to eat huge meals.  Sometimes three a day.    I ate a huge breakfast this morning around 9 am, because I knew it would be at least 5 pm before I could eat again, unless I brought food with me, which I didn’t since I didn’t like the options.  If that big breakfast that used to be breakfast now covers two meals and some snacks, it’s not surprising that I was fat.  With the rare exception like this, and occasions such as Thanksgiving, I don’t like to stuff myself.  It’s not comfortable-including this morning.  I felt full for about 6 hours, and didn’t like it at all.  I’ve actually seen reference to hunger scales, where 10 is Thanksgiving stuffed, and 1 is hungry enough to eat the furniture.  It’s thought that intuitive eaters eat when they get to about 3, and stop around 6 or 7.    Of course this will be different depending if you eat three meals a day, six meals a day, one meal a day plus snacks, or however you prefer to spread your food.  The point is, you only have to eat until you’re satisfied, and you can get used to this.  I had to learn this to become a normal eater at a stable weight, and then relearn it again to actually lose it.

6. Discover the Satisfaction Factor. If you’re craving salty, carrots aren’t going to do it.  Since I don’t keep potato chips, I can make air-popped popcorn with soy sauce and nutritional yeast (yeah, hippie I know), or eat some salted pistachios or cashews.  I rarely have cravings for specific foods, especially now that I eat healthier overall.  I think many cravings come from the body really needing something, and now that I eat a relatively balanced diet, it’s not common for me.  I don’t think this principle is saying that you should always eat exactly what you want whenever you want, it’s just not practical.  If it’s midnight and I feel like eating ice cream (never keep it home-see potato chips), I’m going to have to be satisfied with chocolate soy milk, because that’s what I have.   As I eat more fruit, I like it much better, and most sweets are too sweet for me.  I dislike candy, and while there are some sweets I still like (ice cream, chocolate cake), I don’t eat them too often, and these days I’m more likely to eat cherries or peaches for dessert.    Taste buds can be adjusted, just like satiety levels.

7. Honor Your Feelings Without Using Food. I think it’s unrealistic that you’ll NEVER eat for reasons other than hunger, but if you want to lose weight, or at least stop gaining, better, more useful coping mechanisms need to be developed.  Hell, even if you don’t want to lose weight, there are better ways to deal with emotions rather than food (or drugs, booze, sex, smoking, shopping, whatever).  I’ve had to do a lot of uncomfortable emotional development to master this one, and I have far to go.  Point is, I no longer use food to make myself feel better.   I exercise a lot to help with depression and other emotions, which may not always be the most effective coping mechanism, but it helps control my chemicals (hormones, blood sugar, etc. etc.), and it’s a positive indicator for weight loss.

8. Respect Your Body. I’m 40.  I’m not going to have a “bikini body”.  I’ve accepted that, and am not working for it.  I am working to be “normal weight”, wherever that ends up being.  Since I’m not dieting, it’ll be whatever it is when I stop losing.  Part of this “learning to eat like a normal person”** was also accepting that I can’t eat like my ex-boyfriend who weighs the same as he weighed in high school, my mom who eats junk food (I know, no foods are bad, but we can take junk food to mean calorie dense and low nutrition), or anybody who’s never been fat.  It’s not fair, but it is what it is.  **BTW, I think most Americans, not just dieters, don’t eat intuitively.  Maybe this is why the French can eat what they eat, because they don’t eat when they’re not hungry, don’t snack all day, and don’t stuff themselves.

9. Exercise…Feel the Difference. Gary Taubes may not think exercise helps weight loss, but he’s absolutely a minority opinion.   Exercise helps so much with my mood and general disposition, I don’t think I would function well at anything, let alone weight loss, without it.    Even a short walk is better than nothing, but if you’re up for it, moderately intense cardio and strength training will really help your effort.   Being unemployed, with a pre-paid gym membership, I exercise a lot, and likely burn 1000 extra kcals daily.  If I ate an extra thousand calories, obviously I wouldn’t lose weight, but this enables me to eat more than most “dieters”.    When I get a job, I’ll likely have to exercise a bit less, but I’ll also eat less.  I trust that I’ll be able to adjust, and if I can’t tell, I still have the external validation of stepping on the scale every morning.

10. Honor Your Health. I’m not interested in giving up all white flour, sugar, butter, etc., but I can make food decisions with an eye towards health and weight loss, without giving up much satisfaction or eating pleasure.  For example,  instead of going out for a slice when I want pizza, I use half whole-wheat/white flatbread or pita, with sauce I make myself, onions, mushrooms, broccoli, garlic, roasted pepper, herbs, pepperoni.  The whole pizza is probably less calories than a slice at the yummy pizzeria.  Plus, those pizzas get really expensive if you start adding all those toppings.  It’s true that it doesn’t taste as good, but I can live with that, because it’s better for my health and my weight.  Sometimes I just gotta have real pizzeria pizza, but that’s rare, and I’m happy with one slice, rather than the two I used to eat.

Anyway, this is how I use intuitive eating.  I know many think weight loss is incompatible with intuitive eating, but I really think it’s the only way to do it.   I also think many can’t deal with this because they’ve dealt with such rigid food guidelines, or are rebelliing against guidelines, and try to make this into another diet, or use it as an excuse to eat poorly, or give into every craving, no matter how fleeting.    Or since they can’t run to the store to drop $4 on a pineapple 24/7, or have to pack lunch thus plan their meal without knowing “exactly” what they might want they they get hungry, or they have to eat at noon whether they’re hungry or not, but that’s really just making excuses.  Intuitive eating is flexible, forgiving, adaptable, not an all or nothing different set of rules.   It really comes down to trusting your body, without ignoring common sense , while applying your knowledge of what’s healthy and right for you.

Citrus, you mean like Tang?

I don’t think they’re interchangeable, but at a friend’s house last night, I wanted the fruit, he only had the tang.  I expect everyone I know to have a fridge/pantry full of fruits and veggies, but most have ice cream, frozen potato pucks, and juice  maybe they’ll have some cherries or wilted broccoli, but not too much more than that.  And booze, everybody has that.  I’d like to find new friends who are more into hiking or politics or ???, and spend less time eating and drinking.  I don’t like the taste of alcohol, and  I don’t like to be drunk, dislike anything but a mild buzz, and even that will have me feeling lazy and unmotivated the whole next day.    I used to be really sensitive to caffeine, to the point where a cup in the morning would have me up for 24 hours, but now I drink a few cups every morning.

Quitting cigarettes was surprisingly easy.  I still have some discomfort, mainly in the mornings, but now, as I keep shutting down my unhealthy coping mechanisms, I’m just left looking at my life, and wondering what to do with it.  I wonder if I can become a casual smoker?  I know people who only smoke one a day, or two or three a week, or just on birthdays/New Year.  Maybe I could do New Year only?  I know it’s not the 12 step model, but if can moderate food, why not cigarettes?

Here’s a picture of where I went Tuesday on my very long hike.  So nice of someone to have put out a chair!

a place to sit and think